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  1. #1
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    Default Anxiety IVF and step kids

    I have a DSD (8) and DSS (6) and have been in their lives for the last 3 years. DH is fantastic, helps around the house a massive amount and makes sure that I have plenty of time for myself.

    Things have been great except that DSS on and off has periods where he hates me being around and is really quite horrible to me. DH and I have spoken about it and he has seen some of it but he mainly does it when DH isn't around. It's quite stressful and hurtful and makes it hard for me to bond with him. I have no probs at all with DSD and have tried all sorts of different approaches with DSS- one on one time with me/dad, doing different activities etc. apparently he treated his mums ex fiancé like this also and he had been around since DSS was 1 (they have since broken up a year ago).

    The main problem is that we started ttc 2yrs ago but had put it off as we thought maybe DSS needed more time to adjust. We started IVF again in August but had an ectopic which I had surgery 3 weeks ago. The kids are completely unaware of this as we think they are too young and also don't want the kids telling mum what's happening as it's quite personal. But DSS has been really quite horrible for the last few months to the point where I am becoming so anxious about it all. I'm anxious that I'll feel differently towards my bio child and anxious how I will cope with learning to be a first time mum whilst having to do school runs, maintain a household, homework and after school activities... The list goes on!!! I've never been anxious before and don't quite know how to deal with these feelings

    Forgot to say that we have 50/50 care and I am the stay at home parent in the week we have the kids as we don't want to use care and my job is flexible.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
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    You'll be ok, big tip with school & a newborn is be prepared! Do all lunches, get uniforms ready the night before so they are ready to go in the morning, don't stress about getting bub ready for the day just get the kids to school then go home & finish your morning routine.

    If you walk the kids to class I'd get a capsule or baby carrier to make getting in & out of the car easier too

    You'll figure out your own routine once a new bub arrives and your skids are at a good age where they can be helping around the house & with bub

    Good luck TTC!

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  4. #3
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    OP,
    I don't envy your position.
    Is it likely that your SS is aware of what's going on with you TTC?
    Even so, it may be that he is resentful because you're seen as the person keeping his parents apart - you said that he did this with his mums former partner? It may have been some time ago that they separated but they still want their parents to be together.
    Have been there and it's awful, I feel terrible for you. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.. But it sounds to me that you've been quite considerate of his needs and his attitude has remained the same.
    I want to say so much but in fear of being flamed so I'll leave it at that for now.

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  6. #4
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    That is an enormous amount of stress for you to deal with, both now and in the future. Obviously you are very committed to the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have invested so much into it.

    But .... as an outsider looking in, not knowing anything about your or your partner, and going by your description of what you are dealing with now, I would say think long and very hard about the future. Things are not likely to get a lot easier with your own newborn added to the mix. The step kids won't suddenly like the situation more because their dad and you now have a baby - you will be dealing with all that comes with being a new parent, and still dealing with the additional problems and dramas that will come with parenting the other 2 children. Your own child will then be dealing with the dramas associated with that. On it will go. A potentially very tough life for all.

    I'm sure you know all that, and will do whatever you feel is right - but it sure does sound like a lot of heartache.

    Sorry if that sounds terribly negative - I just think it's seriously worth considering - for you and all concerned.

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  8. #5
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    @Clarabelle thanks for you concern, I have thought long and hard and as I see it, its worth it. I don't expect it to be easy but we have come through so much and DH is so supportive of everything I do. He disciplines the kids mainly and it is not like this every day, just on some days. His son is not an easy child and even his mum is struggling also with him at the moment.

    He definitely has no idea about the ttc so I really don't think that's the problem. He is just such a stubborn child and doesn't care for rules. He has been known to have 3 hr tantrums before at both houses. Our house is very well structured and rules and boundaries are clear but it also used to be not structured a long time ago. The tantrums have decreased with the increase in structure so we stick to that.

    I'm sure it will get better and @AppleIsleSMum they were great tips, especially about the capsule! We are pretty organised and I normally make lunches for the next day and dinner while they are at school. It certainly helps but the advice was much appreciated

  9. #6
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    Actually I'm going to disagree with Clarabelle and assure you things WILL get better but it will take time, patience and a whole lot of kindness, understanding and forgiveness from everyone. Blended families take time to come together and yes you prob will feel differently about your bio child but that's normal and perfectly okay so let go of the guilt and forgive yourself over that, I can assure u that your step kids also feel differently about you then their own mum and that's fine too. When your own child is born the bond will happen instantly but it takes ages to really bond with your step kids and sometimes it can take years. I've been a step mum for 7 yrs and willingly admit the first few years were tough and having my own children was a challenge and brought up a lot of issues.. Although it's taken time, I have a strong and loving relationship with my dsd but it developed naturally over many years. It's always helpful to see a counsellor that specialises in blended families. Good luck x

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  11. #7
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    And despite all my reservations and worry dsd and ds and dd all love and adore each other. They certainly fight and there is occasionally jealousy but that's all normal in every family


 

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