Now that the rush of funeral arrangements is over everything is just...hanging, stopped. DP was FIFO, and it somehow feels like I'm still just waiting for him to come home. I'm still trying to follow a semi normal routine for my DS, and I keep being smacked in the face with how surreal it all is. We lie in bed at night, like normal, but I look up from my iPad and no matter how normal the situation feels I'm still joining a site for young widows...bam, smack in the face. Getting DS ready in the morning and I put clothes on him DP has never seen him wear...bam, smack in the face. Feeding the animals at the end of the day,can't afford to keep the horses and cows, which ones do we sell...bam. So many times I'd normally take a photo so DP could be involved while he's away. When I get in the car with DS and start crying as I drive, and there's DS looking at me and I feel bad for worrying him so I start trying to sing songs but I'm still crying and I wonder how long I can do that before I screw him up somehow. And I know that in my head I'm still circling around the idea of him being really, truly, gone and what I'm doing now is just poking at the gaping hole in our lives to try to come to grips with how huge it really is. I have people all around me, but I've never felt so alone, and I get angry but try to hide it because they're there for us, to help us. All I keep thinking is I just don't want to.
Some good things have happened too. Two friends have had babies. Relatives I haven't seen since I was a kid came up for the funeral. Almost complete strangers have given us money to help us out. The mining crew gave DS a model bogger, which has become one of his favourite toys, and they wrote a letter for him to tell him what his dad was to them. I haven't been able to open that yet. I got to meet and thank some of the people who worked on DP and kept him going so he could get to Alice and we could say goodbye. DS has been surrounded by people who love him, helping to keep him secure and happy. A huge number of people have offered to help finish building the house, even an offer to get the roof on and put the cost on his business books until I'm in a position to pay. So many positives, I need to spend more time looking at them or I'll get bogged down in the bad and stop moving.
The best is that I sat with the girls and dp's ex, and we're all committed to staying very involved in each others lives. The dsd1 has already moved into her own place, but dsd2 wants to keep coming over on her regular routine. So relieved, DS adores his big sissies and they adore him. It will be good for all of us.