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  1. #1
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    Default Should I stay or should I go??

    Hey guys just wanted to get some unbiased opinions on my situation.
    I have an 8 month old baby boy with my gf and I absolutely love him. My problem is with my gf.
    We have been together for close to 2 years now. When we first got together I had no intention of having a baby and as far as I was aware neither was she. Things weren't going too well early on in the relationship and I was given the chance to move to Brisbane for a much better job so I took it. We stayed together and I had just put a deposit down for a house for us to rent up there and just as I had organised to move her belongings up she told me she was pregnant. I was shocked at first and couldn't understand how this had happened but was happy nonetheless (I later found out she had purposely stopped taking her pill so she would get pregnant)
    So she decided that she wasn't going to move up anymore and if I wanted anything to do with the baby I would need to move back to Sydney. So I did.
    Once she found out she was pregnant she decided to stop working completely.
    Now we have our son we have moved to house near my father's house who helps with my son a lot.
    I have been made permanent in my company which means I have had a drop inmy wage and being the sole provider is not the best thing.
    I have asked her for a while now to get a job to help pay the bills etc (roughly $1100 a week) or at least be on centrelink to receive some kind of payment. After I am paid each week I barely have enough money to buy food for us or even be able to pay for transport to work for the next week. I am also paying off a personal loan of hers as well as my own.
    She absolutely refuses to get on centrelink and is putting in no effort to get a job. My father has offered to take care of our son if we both are working during the same hours. My step mother has also offered her a job (she runs a couple of pubs) so I paid for her rsa and rcg. I had to go to my step mum's work and pick up her forms for her because she couldn't be bothered to go get them (a 7min drive from our house) then had them for over a week sitting on the coffee table and all she done was write her name on the top of the page. Now it's not like she has a busy life at home, she doesn't cook and barely cleans. Our son is formula fed and we can time his feeds and he is a great baby he sleeps all night from around 830-7am every night.
    I over heard her talking to my mates gf on the weekend saying "I am in no rush to get a job at the moment I'm loving staying home, we are getting by"

    I have reached my limit with her laziness and her absolutely disregard for my feelings and the lack of contribution towards our "family life" and I want to leave her but I don't want to lose my son.
    What do you guys think I should do?
    Sorry for the essay!

  2. #2
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    Tommy I think you should confront her to let her know things are not as peachy as she is making out, that you are struggling and she needs to work to help make ends meet.

    Whether u want to be with her is another issue and something you need to decide for yourself... Don't stay with someone just because you have a child together... You need to be happy. I'm sorry if that doesn't help

  3. #3
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    Wow, sorry to hear your gf is being so selfish and lazy that puts a huge strain on you and that isn't fair.
    how long were you in brisbane for when she discovered she was pregnant? I would be dubious of that timing if she purposely stopped taking the pill - very deceitful

    it takes no time to apply for centrelink and you'd be entitled to a couple of hundred a fortnight with family tax which would help with food and transport. I would be honest with her and tell her she needs to work or get on benefits. If you give her money/allowance for her own spending - stop! She will then learn she can't mooch off you.

    in regards to leaving do you still love her? If you love her definitely try to make it work first otherwise you may regret it especially if she goes troppo and refuses you to see your son. Sadly some women are like that


    you sound like a great dad, I hope it all works out!

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  5. #4
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    Firstly good on you for asking for advice.

    Secondly just a word you'll get a lot of people's backs up on here by saying she's lazy. If she's got the full time care of an 8 month old unless he's asleep 22 hours a day she's not lazy. It's hard work looking after a baby.

    But I get what you're saying. My DH earns a very high wage but still finds being the sole breadwinner incredibly stressful. So I work. I want to work anyway but it would do his head in if I just refused.

    It sounds like you're both on different pages. Does she have any plans to work ever? Can you agree to a timetable so she has time to get used to the idea? Why won't she go on centrelink?

    It sounds to me like you'd both benefit from counselling particularly if it has reached the point where you're considering leaving.

    By the way your financial situation won't likely improve if you do leave as you'll have to pay child support as well pay rent on a place of your own. If you love her is it worth finding a way to be heard?

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  7. #5
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    I think the finances and quite frankly your son are secondary to the issue of whether to leave someone or not.

    Do you love her? If yes, then talk to her about how finances aren't great and actually you're not "getting by" as she has said to a friend.

    If no, then that's your answer.. as PP says having a child together doesn't mean you have to stay with someone. Of course it isn't ideal, but these things happen. No one else can tell you whether to leave or not because no one else can tell you whether you love her or not.

    Good luck with it all.

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  9. #6
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    I have brought it up with her on several occasions and she gets angry and storms off and says that she is trying, but when I ask her what she has done there isn't a response. I have even tried to say what I need to in a txt message so that way she can't walk away from me or talk over me, I never get a reply and nothing gets said about it when I get home either.
    It just feels like she is just putting it off until I eventually get sick of asking her to do something.

    It's really not making me happy being here and I am 100% only here for my son and to be able to see him.
    Thanks for your reply!

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    Firstly, given your financial situation she should be in the very least applying for CL, has she said why she won't? I'm a SAHM but if things got so bad we could hardly afford food yes I would go back to work.

    Now this part you probably won't like... Sonja was dead on.... she is raising a *baby* she is not lazy and she is contributing to your 'family life' just not financially. Reading your post, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems you've only just gone full time recently yourself, so it's not like you've been working 80 hours a week for the last 10 years while she has sat on her butt.

    I'm trying to be gentle here, but I see this attitude in men that were not ready for kids - complaining about having to work while she does 'nothing'. This is your child and she is contributing. Again, given what is happening financially, yes she should get some work. I'm just getting some strong vibes you resent working while she is home.

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  12. #8
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    Does she have much support in Sydney? Would she be upset if you did leave? Sorry if that sounds like an odd question but some people plan pregnancies because they want the baby rather than the husband/partner.

    Just wondering how far you can go with this.

  13. #9
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    Question: do you really know what your girlfriends day is like? I mean really? You might think she does nothing... And she might... But then again she might be doing a heap of stuff during the day that you don't realise. Perhaps your baby isn't as easy to look after as you think. Perhaps your girlfriend has post natal depression. Who knows.

    From your post I got the impression you are both quite disconnected from each other. Perhaps you could take a week off work and look after bub on your own so you know what it is really like.. Day in and day out.

    I'm all for women pulling their finger out and getting a paid job if the finances are right... However is that really necessary in your case? Bub is still quite young and staying home for another 4 months or so, if affordable, would be good for bub. If your expenses are $1,100 per week then that's a heck of a lot... Could you downgrade a bit? Get a smaller place? Shave $ from your expenditure?

    I'm confused about your bubs conception. You said your gf stopped taking the pill on purpose. How did you know this? Did she admit to it? And if she did admit to it then what the heck are you doing shacked up with her? (Having a bub isn't a good enough reason). Enough of the highschool shenanigans.

    This whole thing has me sus.
    Last edited by VicPark; 01-11-2014 at 21:02.

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  15. #10
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    Thanks for replies guys!

    I don't understand why she won't go on centrelink, she says she is gonna try get a job so she doesn't want to apply for centrelink but then she does not apply for jobs.
    I know it's not easy being with a baby full time, I paid for her to have 4 days away with her friends and I stayed at home with my son, I can see how at times it would get stressful and I'm not saying my child is perfect but honestly he is very low maintenance compared to what I was expecting. It is harder for her because she did have PND but went to a psychologist and was told she was fine after a couple months, she is better than what she was but it's still concerning with how she acts at times.

    I did love her but with all the stress of this combined with how she has been in the past with my son it has pushed me away a lot.


 

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