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  1. #1
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    Default Am I being unreasonable?

    Sorry for the essay!

    Prior to getting married DH and i discussed our child raising goals and we both agreed that we would prefer I stayed home with any babies rather than putting them into CC and going back to work.

    Fast forward to when we got our BFP. We were all geared up for me to just resign from work after mat leave when we learned of a sweet deal in regards to returning to work to a 'full time position' on reduced hours. If i was to get UTD and go on ML again within 1 yr of RTW, that ML would be paid at F/T rates.
    We thought I might as well do that. So the plan was to RTW after twelve months two two days a week. My mum would take her one day a week and she would go to CC one day.

    When the time came I wasn't ready to put DD into care and we discussed it again and the decision was left in my hands as to what I wanted to do. DH was not (is not) keen to put DD into care at all.

    I extended my (unpaid) ML another six months.

    Now one month later DH is at me to RTW now as he wants to buy another property up the coast ( where we will eventually move). We can't afford two mortgages on his salary alone as the prices where we want to move to have gone through the roof.

    I'm losing my sh1t.
    One month ago he was happy for me to extend, now he wants me to redo it all and RTW 3 days a week.
    He still doesn't want DD in CC and wants me to try and negotiate with someone (SIL or other PT staff at my work) to look after the baby.

    I'm fuming but he thinks I'm being obstructive and selfish and ruining the chances for our future.....

    Any takers?

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    amazonbaby  (16-10-2014)

  3. #2
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    i dont think you are being unreasonable.

    dont go back to work until you are ready... my hubby nagged and nagged me to return to work after our second was born and i told him i wouldnt work in the first year of her life.... but i caved and ended up going to work when she was 10 months old. i was very lucky that she was allowed to come to work with me andi only returned part time....

    he has been nagging me again to get a full time job and put dd in childcare but i have refused. she is almost 2 years old and as i work in childcare i find it pointless to have her in care full time just so i can look after someone elses children....

    go back when you are ready too and not before hand.... the prices of cc is excessive too.

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    mrswhitehouse  (16-10-2014)

  5. #3
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    I think where he is being unreasonable is expecting you to arrange childcare through other staff or family. That's a bit ridiculous unless it would be very straightforward.

    Honestly, will you be ready to return to work in 6 months time? I've had to return to work after 4 kids and it's never easy, and I've found personally there's no right time.

    You need to sit down with him and work out your goals etc. There's no point in you even thinking about returning to work when you're angry, as in my experience as soon as you face the first challenge it's too tempting to throw it all in.

    Returning to work after my first child was extremely hard and I felt like my heart was ripped out, but she was fine and I soon loved the balance of working 3 days a week.

    Good luck.

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    he is being unreasonable. he can't have his cake and eat it too. Stand your ground.

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    I was absolutely not ready to go back to work but I had to to pay the bills. It was horrible feeling like I was handing my precious girl over to someone else. But it has actually been good for both of us. I was becoming quite socially isolated at home and dd blossomed at day care. Sometimes just taking the plunge is the worst part.

    In saying that, I am not telling you to go back. Just that thst feeling of not being ready is a tricky one.

    It really sounds like you and your dh need to get on the same page with your future goals and plans for your family. It is a lot to ask a family member to take on care of your child while you work. Would you have a fall back for when the family member is sick or if they go on holidays?


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    I don't think he understands how you're feeling about this matter, or he's being insensitive. Arranging care from friends and family is tricky and time consuming.

    Don't let him pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. The first few years are so precious, much more important than financial goals or moving house.

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    Your DH can't pull last minute $hit like that on you.....Seriously, if he's only just come up with the plan has he thought it through properly? Why can't he wait 5 months?

    I think your DH needs to harden up regarding childcare. It's not that bad, many working parents rely on it, and if you have the right centre it can actually be very good for a child's social development, learning etc. putting bub in daycare 1 day, with someone else another day would be highly unsettlingn for bub. Keep it consistent.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Funnels View Post
    I don't think he understands how you're feeling about this matter, or he's being insensitive. Arranging care from friends and family is tricky and time consuming.

    Don't let him pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. The first few years are so precious, much more important than financial goals or moving house.

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    I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you about the preciousness of early years but working when kids can go to day care from 8 to 6 (if necessary) is about 10 times easier I find than working once kids are at school and you have a headache with after school care and or activities.

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    Hmm... I think he's being unreasonable about two things.
    1. springing this on you all of a sudden, and expecting you to simply agree
    2. expecting you to arrange child care with other people

    For number 2, I'd suggest that if he's absolutely against your daughter going into child care, then he should be the one making other arrangements. Expecting family, friends, or co-workers(!?) to take on a child for you is a lot to ask.

    As for number 1... it's really the timing that's the issue here. You're a couple, and both of your goals matter. If what he wants has changed, then you should be having a discussion and figuring out how you can come to an arrangement where neither of you feels ripped off, and you both fee you're working toward the same goals (if perhaps making some sacrifices to do so). He should NOT be simply expecting you to change your plans to suit his whim.

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    I think if you both agreed a month ago to extend your leave then you should stick with that unless you both want to change plans. Having said that, I never felt ready to go back to work after my first, it was just so nice being at home with her. But as pp said, once you do its not that bad. I did have trouble with the first child care centre I tried though, partly because DD was going through separation anxiety at the time. Can you suggest to DH you will start planning to return to work, but that you still want to wait the 5 months? In that time you can look at child care centres/family day care/etc and start your bub a month or so before you go back. And you can research the property market, get finances ready, etc in the meantime to be ready to buy in 5 months.


 

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