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  1. #81
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    The thing that gets me about your MIL's role in this is that *she* decided, independently (independent of you and your DH anyway) and on behalf of *your* kids that it was ok to have a them exposed to someone with (at the least) pedophile predilections (who knows the full extent) and that it was somehow okay to lie to you both about it. I could never, ever forgive that.

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  3. #82
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    It is just all so conflicting. I agree 100% and know if I was looking in from the outside I would feel the same way but it feels so different from here on the inside. On one hand I am devastated that she could do this but on the other I can't begin to imagine what she must be feeling and the amount of shock, denial and confusion she must be under. I don't want to excuse what she has done but up until 3 days ago I loved this woman and was closer to her than my own mother. I would rave to anyone who would listen about how I was one of the lucky ones with an amazing MIL. It's just not as easy as I would have previously thought to cut her off. I imagine we are still in shock and I know that the more we talk about it and let it sink in different points of view keep popping up.

    I am fairly sure that DH will cut off his father but that is far from an easy task, no matter how strong the offence or betrayal. Oh it's just horrible.

    We will definitely be seeing the police but probably not straight away. It's just overwhelming.

  4. #83
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    It still just feels like surely we must be talking about someone else's family.

  5. #84
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    Hugs to both of you.

    I haven't responded because I honestly haven't been able to articulate how I felt. She sounds like my grandmother and godparents who claimed my bio dad didn't s3xually assault me and to a degree my mother who claimed he'd never abuse my sister.
    She will not protect your children. She will put them into dangerous situations without a care about their safety. And already has.
    Your husband is not like his father and to combat these feelings and worries I really suggest councelling.

    It's incredibly hard being the offspring of a paedophile. You don't know what to do entirely and it makes you paranoid about lines with your own children, though you know you'd *never* do anything like that to them. People spout statistics about paedophiles, their children, cases of people who have been abused then becoming an abuser. People look at you like it's genetic - they start shielding their children from you and keeping their distance just a little bit. And it's hard to cope with, particularly if people who are supposed to be on your team aren't there. But he has you, which will make things far easier.

    My advice is to cut them off entirely. Know that he should have been put behind bars (and frankly, a lot worse than that and so should MIL) but you can do nothing but protect yourselves and your children. Change your numbers or block theirs because along with being creepy, disgusting, perverted slimy POS, they're also accomplished manipulators who if you let them talk will eventually convince you that what they did isn't "so bad".

    I'm sorry you guys are going through this. No one should ever have to.


    Just an edit to add: When it gets hard, always remember she has chosen to stay with a man who WANTS to and fantasizes about s3xually abusing his own daughter and granddaughter.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Last edited by Jennaisme; 07-10-2014 at 12:40.

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  7. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Devastated29 View Post
    It is just all so conflicting. I agree 100% and know if I was looking in from the outside I would feel the same way but it feels so different from here on the inside. On one hand I am devastated that she could do this but on the other I can't begin to imagine what she must be feeling and the amount of shock, denial and confusion she must be under. I don't want to excuse what she has done but up until 3 days ago I loved this woman and was closer to her than my own mother. I would rave to anyone who would listen about how I was one of the lucky ones with an amazing MIL.
    This makes sense and must be devastating. I think you need to consider whether the person you thought you knew was the real person though. Do you know yet how long she knew for? Was there any noticeable change in her demeanour while the trial was happening (when you look back) or was everything just like normal?

    Finally, not to be trite, but what do you love about her? If it's honesty, values, loyalty to family... Then you really need to question it, I'm sorry. Was that really her?

    (I get where you're coming from in a very limited way - I also brag that I have an amazing MIL and we spend way more time with my DH's parents than mine. I trust them with my son more than I do my own mother.)

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  9. #86
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    Thank you jennaisme. That gives me a lot of food for thought. I think DH is worried about a lot of those things. I'm sorry you went through all that x

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  11. #87
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    I agree with @Jennaisme.

    I was abused by my Stepfather. My mother stayed with him for nearly 30 years. She claims she wasn't aware of what was happening - bullsh*t. Even though they are separated now, she still on occasion refers to him as 'your father'. She's effing delusional.

    I feel awful for you and your DH. I keep reading this thread and my heart breaks for you. I get that three days ago you loved your MIL but that same love could not possibly have been the same from from her. She would never ever have put your children in harms way if she cared about you as deeply as you did about her. The betrayal is unforgivable.

    Your DH is not his father. He is a victim in all this now. The poor soul, hug him tight and remind him that he's his own man and his father's 'evil' is not a part of him. You both continue to protect your babies and protect each other. You will get through this.

    Hugs to both of you.


    Me 👩 36; DF 👨 34
    DS 🐢 07/02/97 DD 🐝 27/09/99
    DS 🐳 26/04/02 DD 🐞 06/09/06
    DD 🐣 Due 03/12/14
    Last edited by Jodes35; 07-10-2014 at 12:53.

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  13. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by BettyW View Post
    Finally, not to be trite, but what do you love about her? If it's honesty, values, loyalty to family... Then you really need to question it, I'm sorry. Was that really her?
    Thanks for highlighting this because yes, those are the exact things I would have said I loved about her and what made her wonderful. I am absolutely gutted.

    The only thing that sticks out that I've noticed is that she looked really unwell the second last time we saw her which is not surprisingly at all as it was DD1's birthday party. Little girls everywhere. Other than that everything for the past year has been seemingly normal.

  14. #89
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    Thank you all so much. You are getting me through this and opening my eyes to lots of things that haven't occurred to me. The help is immeasurable.

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  16. #90
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    Sadly I have filth in my family and my mother turned a blind eye to it all even after one spent yrs in prison! Her failure to open her eyes put me in danger to both my uncle and much older step brother. 25yrs later she still calls me a liar even after they both admitted guilt...I can never forgive her.

    Sorry this is happening to you OP xx


 

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