We all go through things that upset us with our parents but this is pretty extreme. It's extremely normal to disociate in situations like this and trauma. It is the way the mind copes. Having been in a situation where I completely dissociated myself for almost a year about having my own trust violated by the person I loved and thought would never lie to me… I dealt with those issues but I had to be ready.
The thing I say to anyone who goes through trauma dissociation is that is perfectly normal and fine to cope to get through it. Think of it like packing your issues up putting it on a shelf to deal with at a time you are capable of. The caveat though? You have to actually go back at some point unpack it and deal with it when you're ready. For that reason I think it's really important to speak to a counsellor about it. You can go and see them regularly and say look I'm not ready to face it but I need help to prepare to face it.
They will not force you to talk about anything you don't want to do. That's the problem with people dissociating is that they ignore it till they pretend they forget it's on the shelf for so long and carry on like your in laws like nothing has happened until something triggers the memory which can be far worse than just dealing with it in fact it's like being caught in a never ending cycle.
It sounds to me that in the same way your mil deals with trauma your DP is following her suit and dissociating from it. It's hard to judge her and not judge your DP at the same time because let's face it he hasn't cut FIL out yet and he is being dishonest about it to SD. He seems to be caught between his parents and what is right for his family.
You just simply can not force your DP to address these things no matter how much you feel them or want him to. There are things I have tried over and over to get my avoiding ex DP to address and it's like banging your head against a brick wall. The only persons words and actions you have any control over are your own.
I don't want to sound harsh but I would simply be saying look whatever you chose to do be it keep in contact with your family, be dishonest that is your choice alone to do… This is what I am doing and I stick by that regardless of your choice. I think putting the ball in his court like that is going to give you a better result than expecting him to react like you would. You need to be true to yourself and if your DP can't support you in this you need to support yourself because your mental health should be top priority. Respect yourself first and for most and let your DP decide independently. Then you have to decide wether you're comfortable living with his decisions or not. Decisions need to be made because the indecision will eat into your mental health far more as the days go by.
I get the mother/son bond but he should never be around children again. She can keep her relationship with him but your should be made too. I know this sounds funny but have you given her permission to have relationship with him just without you or your kids. So that she knows you won't abandon her if she stays close to him.
Yep the thing is she just isn't mentally well (narcissistic with depression and anxiety, her projection is having the perfect family). She's very fragile but also very insistent it's all his step mothers fault (she's coached his sister into making false claims to get his money). Anything that doesn't agree with that makes her flip her lid
@Amiedoll That sounds awful. Are you able to see a counsellor at all? That's a lot to have on your plate
@trustychords I can't thank you enough for your wonderful advice. It really hit home and cleared up my thoughts. DH and I had a big talk and a big cry last night and we're both feeling much better. He's going to go and see DSD's mum in the next couple of weeks and write to his dad too.
Mrs Tickle (27-03-2015)
I probably could but we live remotely and I can't drive so it makes it hard. I'll keep plugging along, thank you though for hearing me (even though I derailed your thread :P). Venting has helped heaps and I'm feeling a lot better about it all (mums bit of a gaslighter, so it's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable)
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