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  1. #211
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amiedoll View Post
    Hugs, it's a horrible situation I'd let DH do it since it's his family (and it will be more real for all of them). I hope it goes smoothly.
    I have a similar thing going on in my family and I can't speak to them. My mum seems to be in denial and she's talking pretty badly about the victim (says they are trying to get his money, have been coached by the evil step parents to lie etc.). It's so shocking, it just breaks any trust I had in any of them.
    So sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It's awful. I definitely want DH to do it but he is just avoiding everything at the moment. I'm sick of waiting and just want some semblance of closure!

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  3. #212
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I know this is a horrible situation to be in. But just remember it's a situation THEY made, not you.

    What it comes down to is two horrible options. Cut his family out altogether, or risk your children being abused. At the end of the day you don't have a choice, and I think deep down your husband knows that. Ask him if he could honestly have his father around the kids now?
    Oh we are definitely cutting them out. It has taken a while to come to the final decision because I think we have just been going through all the stages - we have even seen them a few times when SIL and BIL were here over Christmas. I think we were still in shock and not wanting to make SIL's trip even more awful than it already was. Everything is just a mess. But we have decided for good now and I just need them to know. I think they are under the impression that we are going to pretend nothing happened and go on playing happy families. DH keeps saying "I just want them to leave us alone" - but they're not going to do that unless we tell them! I am happy to do it but I think it should come from him. He just doesn't want to deal with anything.

  4. #213
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    I have no experience in anything like this of course, but I have experience in feeling frustrated while waiting for your man to act :-)

    Would it help you any if you and your DH could earmark a date where he will tell your SD and her mother and also cut ties with his family? Like a commitment to act, and then you can relax a little knowing it would happen and can help prepare him for the conversation and how it might go?

    I understand supporting his desire to wait but it might be a sort of compromise? Even earmarking a date to set a date?

    I used to have to do that with FOB all the time - 'I'd really like to talk about xyz. Can we set a time to talk about it?'

    Big hugs to you - the two of you are so strong.

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  6. #214
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    Quote Originally Posted by GreenMama View Post
    Hey KiWolf I'm so sorry to hear about to hear about your experience. You are so strong. Thankfully I am 100% sure nothing has happened to my girls - they are only 2.5 and 9mths old and have never been left alone with either grandparent for a minute. As for my partners daughter who is 17, we have no reason to think anything has happened to her. Unfortunately she still doesn't know what has happened because my DH hasn't let her or her mother know yet. I am really upset about this and desperately want them to know but am trying to be patient with my DH until he is ready to tell them.

    Oh and no you didn't come across as aggressive at all! I really appreciate it all x
    That is such a relief to hear (that they've never been alone with him) sorry if this sounds odd but I'm so glad you found this out now and not x years down the track after damage could have possibly been done.. Not saying I'm glad you had to find something like this out, just that it was prior to your babies getting hurt.

    It truly sounds like you're handling this the best possible way one could, and your husband must be experiencing so much hurt and grief ATM too. Be kind to yourselves, you're doing a brilliant job protecting your own. These people need to own their own decisions and actions- when you said your mil told you "well he will go to jail then" as if it were somehow on you it made my blood boil!

    So what lady? He decided to do these horrible things - if he goes to jail it's because he deserves it. You have a Devine right to know if your children's images etc have been involved and she is so incredibly selfish/narcissistic to put his/her name above the safety of their family- including spreading much needed knowledge of what he is capable of.

    I feel sick for you- all the best- never doubt you're doing the right thing!

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    Quote Originally Posted by KiWolf View Post
    when you said your mil told you "well he will go to jail then" as if it were somehow on you it made my blood boil!
    This plays over in my mind a lot too - for me I think that was the moment I was done with her - she made it abundantly clear that protecting him is her number one priority. Disgusting.
    @harvs that is a great idea babe! I think that is something that could really work for him - he's good with deadlines. Thanks!

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  10. #216
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    Quote Originally Posted by GreenMama View Post
    So sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It's awful. I definitely want DH to do it but he is just avoiding everything at the moment. I'm sick of waiting and just want some semblance of closure!
    I know how he feels I just can't speak to my brother. I've let mum know that he's not welcome here and we won't go where he is (family gatherings), but other than that I feel like I can't even face it. Now mums in denial it's so much harder because I can't trust her, and I hate what she says (I can't push it too far without risking her sanity, she has depression and anxiety amongst other stuff, so I can't even express myself to her).

    Anyway I just wanted you to know you're not alone, hugs. I remember reading this thread around the time it happened for us too and your strength and resolve made it easier for me to stand my ground and go no contact so thanks for sharing your story even though it's so hard to admit (which is why it's taken me this long to reply ).

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  12. #217
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    Oh @Amiedoll that sounds so horribly hard xx the family gatherings are so hard, we want to see everyone else but they want to pretend nothing's happening! We did it at Christmas to make SIL and her husbands trip easier and to give DSD a nice Christmas after her surgery but it was just so awful and we regret it. Seeing all the fake smiles and laughs. FIL's parole officer even turned up for a surprise check while everyone was there, it was horrible.

    I hope things can get easier for you, stay strong! Xx

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  14. #218
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    Oh that sounds so hard I was lucky in a way, I told mum no and she canceled our plans so I got to avoid it. It really was the elephant in the room though since mum came to visit us by herself instead. I'm starting to think I'll have to face it sooner or later though because I need some closure.
    It's going to be rough
    I can only imagine having to sit at a table and watch the fake happiness I don't know how he managed to turn up and pretend to that everything was fine
    Ours does something similar on Facebook, he posts silly updates and links and I just get so angry because it's so stupid. He's ruined lives and ripped his family apart but he posts links to his church or shares cat videos or whatever like nothing has changed
    Thanks for chatting about this, it's been really good to just vent a bit about it. It's almost impossible to talk about it in real life, people just get so uncomfortable

  15. #219
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    Vent away @Amiedoll, it really helps. I've been feeling so awful the past couple of weeks and feel so much better after just talking about it a bit in here last night. Can you block your brother on Facebook so you don't have to see that stuff? It's infuriating to know they can just carry on like their horrible acts haven't forever changed our lives not to mention the poor victims

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  17. #220
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    I'll have to look into it I think, I have no idea how it works without de friending (which would set mum off ). Thankfully Google is my friend

    I just don't understand some people, I know if I was facing court for much less I wouldn't be blithely posting crap and smiling through a family dinner. Id be mortified, but it's probably why I wouldn't hurt anyone else in the first place. Ugh just over it all.


 

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