I honestly can't thank you enough for this beautiful post. Every word is true and Its all something I just have to keep telling myself.
The funny thing is if I saw somebody who was in my position I wouldn't think anything that I do about myself. I think I'm such a crappy mother yet if I'm looking at somebody with the same issues that thought doesn't even cross my mind. I know I am far too hard on myself and I really do need to change my way of thinking.
Im glad someone has come out to talk to you.. are they going to again? It'll probably do you good to get out of the house as well.
Keeping looking up because there is a light at the end of the tunnel xo
How is your dd going on the new formula? I hope it has helped
They have been calling me every week and they did another visit on Tuesday which actually really helped.
I have been very down to the point where I didn't even want to talk to the perinatal team when they called but they spoke to Dh anyway. Dh has been on nightshift so was gone from lunch until 9:30 so lunch/naps and the dinner/bath/bed routine was all up to me. Dd pretty much screamed for hours on end so all of that contributed to me falling apart. My mum came to help one night so that was nice, it meant I could spend some qaulity time with my boys and dd didn't cry. So for two weeks I sat in that dark tunnel just wishing the days away and crying a lot. I honestly just feel useless, I know It's a long road but I still have so many bad days It's hard to get through. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and its my favourite time of the year Zoloft was increased to 75mg which made no difference so I'm now on 100mg. I think it might be helping but I've only been on that dose for a week. Dd is sick at the moment and ds2 is waking a lot at night so I'm not sure how much I would be able to tell if its working because I'm so stressed and anxious.
My psychologist upset me the other day so that didn't help. Everybody is harrasing me to put ds1 in daycare for two days a week but I'm not entirely comfortable with that for various reasons. She decided to be blunt and kept saying I was holding him back. That I was holding him back from new experiences and having friends. I was so upset and felt sick to my stomach. I'm in therapy because I feel like a terrible mother so to be told that I was quite upset. The next session she apologise for being so blunt and didn't mention daycare that day but the words have been spoken...I can't unhear what she said so no apology is going to make me feel better.
We are taking dd to the drs tonight to discuss reflux meds. She's that bad we are having to hold her while she sleeps. Poor Dh has been holding her all might sitting up She's been crying so much It's been hard to deal with. My anxiety is through the roof
But after all that I still have good moments too where I think It's going to be ok so I try and focus on that.
Sorry for the ramble...it probably didn't make much sense thanks to sleep deprivation. Thanks again for all the love and support xo
She's much better, a different baby so much happier its great she'll actually do tummy time now which is awesome.
Some drs are idiots when it comes to babys. It drives me nuts, especially because we're told in pregnancy "mum knows best, mum knows when there's something wrong" yet they don't listen.... hopefully you find a dr that will listen.
Thats really good they are calling and still popping out to see you. It makes such a difference. I think you're amazing having 3 LO's so young, I don't know that I could do it!
Purple Lily (01-01-2015)
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