Hi ladies just looking for some advice from people who have been too scared to go on meds for depression or anxiety.
I have 3 children, Ds1 is 3, Ds2 is 13 months and DD is 6 weeks. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was 14 and haven't done a thing about it. I'm 26 now and only getting worse I had pnd with ds1, I went to my Dr who spent 5 minutes with me and gave me a years worth of anti depressants. I took them for 3 days and I remember how awful I felt, I stopped taking them because I was scared and because my Dr didn't take the time to go through any of it with me. So I suffered in silence and at one point it got so bad with ds1 having reflux and not sleeping more than an hour ever....I still did nothing. I had ds2 just before ds1 turned 2 and I believe I suffered pnd the entire pregnancy and after. I then got pregnant with DD when ds2 was only 3 months old and again I believe I was going through pnd. I had a difficult pregnancy so that didn't help.
I could write a book on everything that has upset me or made me anxious. I have had some major things happen over just the last few years which have just added to the overwhelming sadness I feel. Fast forward to now....I have 3 under 3 and I'm not coping. Ds1 has a speech delay and I feel like I fail him every day by not being able to spend much time with him. Ds2 is really needy and basically whinges the entire day which makes me feel even ****tier because again I feel like I'm failing them. I feel overwhelmed all the time, I cry a fair bit and I am far less tolerant or patient. I find myself hating my life sometimes and thinking crap things about myself. But then I have good days and think well maybe I should just struggle. I want to enjoy my babies I've missed out on so much already because I've done nothing to help myself. I constantly feel like a crap mother and like they deserve so much more than what I give them. Not only do I stress about all of that I even get anxious and depressed over other people's problems. My life just feels like Its too much all at once.
I know I have pnd, I know I have anxiety issues but even after knowing what I need to do I still can't bring myself to ask for help. I know I need meds but something is holding me back. I hate feeling this way and I need to do it for not only myself buty kids too. You would think that would be enough driving force to just go and get help but I can't get past that fear, I feel useless. I just want to cope and I want to have more good days than bad.
Dh is amazing and so supportive. I feel like such a crap partner. I'm a sad sack and I do nothing but whinge and stress so I know I need to do something for our relationship too.
My fears are:
- You feel worse before you feel better....I don't know how I would cope with three young kids through that. I have nobody to help and Dh is a shift worker. And I'm scared of feeling even worse than I do even if it is only for a little while.
- I'm scared about being on something I have to wean off.
- This is probably a silly fear but I'm scared of losing my libido. Its already almost non existent and I don't want to lose it altogether.
I know It's not logical because It sucks feeling this crap but I still don't know how to get over the fear. I intend on speaking to the mental health team at my 8 week check but I know I need more than counselling.
Anybody else in the same predicament?
If you were too scared to go on meds did you take the leap and do it? What got you over that hurdle?
Thanks for reading, I know Its long xo