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  1. #1
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    Default My marriage is dying. Support please

    A week ago I found out my dh was cheating in me online.
    This has happened before.
    He said that he was just having a conversation and if it was with a guy friend I wouldn't be so upset.
    Yes. I would. It was rather graphic talk.
    He would have to be gay.

    The next night I packed up my 2 boys and left after trying to talk to him and getting nothing.
    He sms me half an hour later asking if we were coming home and when if at all.
    Not that he wanted us to.

    So we spoke on the phone for a few hours and I got some of the answers I needed so I came home.
    He agreed to marriage counselling.
    He took full blame (yes he had not admitted it to that point).

    It's been 3 days now and he is making a bit of effort. He works in the garage and I work in the kitchen so we are home all day but I have felt like flat mates at best the last few months. Now he is coming in to watch a movie with me at night.
    Coming to bed when I do even if he doesn't intend on staying in bed.

    But I still feel alone. I am sleeping with Ds2 so I'm not in a bed along all night.
    I even crawled in with Ds1 for a cuddle the other night.
    DH never helps with Ds2 unless it involves playing or sleeping.
    All he does with ds1 is yell.

    We own a company together and we're just about to buy our house.
    Now the in-laws don't want to sell it to us as they want to make sure I get it in the event we do break up.

    We have agreed the company is his but I will keep a 30% share instead of child support.

    I feel like everyone is talking like we have already broken up. Like even if we try to fix things we are doomed.

    I feel like he is giving up but won't let me go.
    I don't want to let go but I'm so broken.
    I'm not worried about being a single mum. I have been there before.
    I just don't do giving up without trying everything first.

    There is no point to this thread.
    I'm just feeling alone and life I needed to get it out of my head.

    Thank you for reading.

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  2. #2
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    I don't know what to say but couldn't read that without replying.

    Do you have family and friends around you for support?



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  4. #3
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    Firstly, .

    I don't know a lot about settlements, etc but be careful what you agree to IF it does come to that. What happens if the business only becomes a side business or he decides to close it, suddenly bringing in little to no money. Or he renames it. Then you would still own 30% of the original company. 30% would probably not entitle you to any decisions made in relation to the company. I would check it all out with a lawyer to see where you stand as I am in no way familiar with company law, but just concerned that the situation if it turns for the worse could leave you with nothing. What brings in more - 30% of the profits or child support? Is it originally your business or his, or both?

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  6. #4
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    It is his business. I incorraged him to go out on his own and we made it a partnership.
    If he had to pay more child support he would give up and close it. He has to much debt from his oldest boy.
    DH is a very in motivated person. I push him to grow the business.
    He is happy just to make enough to get by.

    But he had said he wants to keep working. It's all he had left if we go

    Edit: 30% was his idea I want no part of it.

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    I would also be careful about settling for the 30% of the business instead of CS. Not only are there obvious issues if it goes under, if you go private arrangement or don't claim CS you get min FTB. I suspect he knows the 30% will end up less than CS thus why he wants it.

    As to the marriage, is he fighting for you? Begging for your forgiveness, admitting he scr@wed up and this is his fault? or kind of just saying he wants it to work but he can't stop you going?

  8. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I would also be careful about settling for the 30% of the business instead of CS. Not only are there obvious issues if it goes under, if you go private arrangement or don't claim CS you get min FTB. I suspect he knows the 30% will end up less than CS thus why he wants it.
    This is not a problem as we are in NZ.
    I'm an Auzzy girl and might end up moving home with family. Either way I get no Cs if he isn't working.

    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    As to the marriage, is he fighting for you? Begging for your forgiveness, admitting he scr@wed up and this is his fault? or kind of just saying he wants it to work but he can't stop you going?
    He is not the emotional fighting type.
    He didn't even take blame until I really pushed for it.
    We have suspected for ages that he is autistic like my boys. Not an excuse but it helps me cope with some of the lack of communication.
    But in saying that he is doing as much as he can in other ways.
    He is trying to talk and understand me without sitting down or getting angry.
    He is asking me if I'm ok and waiting for more than a yes.
    I am bipolar so it's very hard for me to sort out what I feel after being on medication for years and not feeling anything.
    I suppose I need to feel it more than he is offering.
    He did say he can't walk away. It's not a choice for him. But then I get doubt because he cheated but he can't end it if he wants to cheat again or if he gets to a point where he is sick of fighting.

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    What a mess, you poor thing.

    I personally wouldn't be buying a home together, if it is your in laws house then surely they can give you a bit of time to sort things out.

    A mortgage is going to add more stress to your relationship, so I would be avoiding that until you are 100% decided on what you are going to do.

    Are you okay? What do you want to do? I would recommend getting some private counseling for yourself (if you haven't already), so you can work out what you need from him & you can make a decision on whether to stay. It sounds like you are a fighter, but some battles aren't worth the fight. Put yourself first!

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    Regardless of what he says he wants, what do YOU want? Be honest with yourself (which can be extremely hard to do). Put aside for the moment that you have children together or any another relationship complexities. Do YOU want to be with him? Will YOU be happy if you are in that relationship? If not then you owe it to yourself to end it.

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    Thank you. I am getting counselling for my bipolar. It's been ongoing for a few months.
    This has set me back.
    I am not ok. I'm angry and sad and tired.
    I have ds1 & 2 both with special needs to worry about.
    DH is not helping. He goes to his garage for most of the day because he says he doesn't belong in the house is not his.
    I don't think we can buy the house but dh thinks it's the only way we can stay together. If we get out from under the in-laws they have nothing to hold over us and use to come between us.
    It's not going to be sorted out in a hurry and I'm not sure I can do it.
    I am the one that deals with the banking for the house and business.

    As for me...
    Im sick of fighting. Of having to pull teeth to get any sort of conversation with him that doesn't involve the business or his own interests. He takes no interest in what I do or giving me time for hobbies. He has many.
    But he is trying to give me time when I ask for it. Should I have to keep telling him I need to feel loved? Telling him how to fix things?
    Shouldn't he be able to think of those things and just do it for us?

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    So I booked us in for marriage counselling in 2 weeks.
    DH hit the roof when I told him like he had not agreed to it.
    We spent 2 hours talking before he finally gave in and said that I would not be happy unless we do.
    Hell yes I won't be happy.
    Nothing is more important to me than knowing I have tried everything.
    I need that.

    Will see what happens.
    I don't think he will participate but he will go just to shut me up.
    If that's the case this is over.

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