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  1. #1
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    Default Struggling with unplanned pregnancy

    Hi everyone.

    I'm 7 weeks pregnant, it was unplanned and occurred under less than ideal circumstances and very poor timing. My DP has said it's up to me what I do with the pregnancy and he will support me either way.
    Termination is out of the question, but keeping it is causing me misery and anxiety.
    And the fact he's so neutral about it feels like the weight of the decision is all on my shoulders (it is, but I'll suck it up).

    You see I have what I think is the world's best job. I'm totally in love with it and never want to stop doing what I'm doing. It gives me freedom, respect, good $$, a great lifestyle and most importantly, an identity.

    The catch is, my job is FIFO, no exceptions. Not the sort of job I could ever do once I'm a mum.
    I basically have to leave this industry that I love for good 😣.
    I'm struggling to reconcile where I am now compared to where I will be in 8 months. It feels like I'm going to lose myself to a role I don't want just yet.

    Sorry if this sounds incredibly selfish (I know it does)...I just really badly want some advice on how to make this transition easier.

    I'm thinking of finding a home business I can start so that I at least have a sense of purpose and something to aim towards...but don't know what. I have some cash for a start-up...does anyone have any ideas or know of any success stories out there?

    How do new mums cope with being a "nobody" (SORRY....big insult...I don't mean it to be and it's an insult to myself too if that softens the blow.)

    I'm scared of drifting into obscurity and only being known as someone's mum.

    I'm scared of losing adult conversation and respect.

    Sorry for my selfish rant, I hope I haven't annoyed too many people with my self-indulgent BS

  2. #2
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    I don't think you sound selfish. I think you are being honest about feelings that lots of women have when they think about having a baby or become pregnant. I am pregnant with a much-wanted, planned baby. But it happened sooner than we thought it would, and the first trimester I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I want this baby 99% of the time, and 1% of the time I think of the freedom in lifestyle that I'm compromising on and I get really down. It's all about identity I suppose. I pride myself on a lot of things that will soon be out of my reach, at least temporarily. It's going to be up to me to find that strength of character to keep my "self" true, even while I take on motherhood. I'm surely not the only first time pregnant woman who feels that. I'm sure you will find your solution. But you're not alone!

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  4. #3
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    I had an unplanned pregnancy like yourself. I vividly remember this dream I had in my third trimester where I had to give up my classroom (I'm a teacher), and I was trying to write my name on a piece of paper but I couldn't write my name any more, I had to write 'Jane'. It didn't take a degree in psychology to work out that I was fretting about my loss of identity!

    I've always defined myself through my intellect and my career, and as having children hadn't been on my horizon I has thrown myself into my career. I felt a sense of wasting time, or missing time, or something, and having to reconnect with this person that I was now going to be. I felt like I had no choice but to keep my child, as it felt like now or never, and because of this I don't think I truly thought through the ways my life would change or what I would be giving up.

    Sometimes even now, and my DS is almost 2, I have moments where I grieve for what I've lost, and believe me, my decision to keep our child cost me dearly. Very, VERY occasionally, I feel that I made the wrong choice. But more often than not I am inflated with love of the kind that I had never experienced before, and it feel that now I am a mother I am actually fulfilling my purpose. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM, and my year at home was super challenging. I don't have the balance right yet, but it's better.

    My point, and I do have one, is that I don't think you're being selfish. Change is hard. Unexpected change harder still. We can gain but lose at the same time. I think it's great that you are so in touch with your feelings and acknowledging them. I never thought there would be anything that meant more to me than my career, and now he is lying next to me and snuffling away. I think being open to the idea that life will be different but may be better than you've ever imagined may help you process all of your feelings.

    Also, you don't say why termination is not an option, but there is counselling available if you are not 100% at ease with your decision. Good luck, and I hope things go well with your pregnancy.

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    Thanks for your reply...
    It's funny, I always thought if I was ever lucky enough to fall pregnant, that it would be at a time I chose, with heaps of love from both parties and that I would drift like a goddess into motherhood and blossom into the precious role women are made for.
    The reality could not be more opposite!! What happened to the earth mother I was supposed to turn into? She is too busy whining about her first world problem and being all me-me-me!

    I think in time I will become more baby-focussed and less self-focussed as I begin to grow and feel pregnant. I have no morning sickness whatsoever, no excessive need to pee...my boobs hurt but that's it. Otherwise I don't feel pregnant. Just extra whiny. And I'm not a whiny or negative person normally.

    I think it's the fact that it's a choice that was taken away from me rather than a conscious decision to move towards parenthood that has got me in a tizz.

    Not to mention the fact that my DP and I haven't been together all that long and he's not at all an emotionally supportive person...doesn't know what it means to support a person who is stressed out. Leaves me to sort out my own emotions and doesn't participate even when I ask him to. Ugh it's a lonely feeling and I have wondered more than a few times how we will survive this (but that's a whole other thread!)

    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

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    I can reply from a position of no one/nobody (no offence taken )
    I sometimes concerned about what I will become or what is ahead of me, but mostly I am fine; I think the point is, I don't let anything define me other than myself, as a human being. Life, circumstances, many things can change along the way and if we rely on it to define ourselves too much, then we're in troubles. Life is too short to be worried about things too much, as we will have enough worries anyway.
    Hope your life will settle into something you maybe didn't expect but that bring you a lot of self fulfillment.
    Last edited by yvona; 17-09-2014 at 23:18. Reason: cleared sth

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  9. #6
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    Thanks harvs. I appreciate your reply.
    I am looking forward to feeling the amazing love I always hear mothers say they feel. I know in time it will be the best decision I've ever made.
    I guess I just don't know how to fuse together the two extreme worlds I'm faced with...the NOW and the SOON.

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. Seems that these feelings I'm having are pretty common.

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    Not sure how helpful this is but when I was in my early twenties a close girlfriend got pregnant at 21. Everyone said how will she cope and there goes her career etc but it turned out she coped fine and just got on with life. She moved countries a couple of times, changed jobs, started a couple of businesses, traveled ... The baby was actually fairly portable and she made it work. She's now got a groovy young adult and is just as much her own person as she ever was, except now there's this hip daughter that takes after her.

    I think marketing and industry try to tell us that having babies is all about staying indoors with expensive gadgets watching TV for ten years but I think (I hope) it's what you make it.

    Similarly someone else close to me has a career as a performer and was really anxious about whether she'd have to give it up or whether her love for performing would change... She had a lot of anxiety about it. Turns out it's just an adjustment but basically fine. Kid just goes on tour with her. Hope that helps.

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  12. #8
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    Thanks yvona...you are right of course, we shouldn't identify ourselves through our job (it's hard not to...we do it automatically I think!) and I did cringe typing that my job is my identity. But I figured that shouting out my imperfections gets me the advice I need
    Your overall philosophy is great and exactly how I used to be...up until about 3-4 weeks ago
    Thanks again

  13. #9
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    Thanks ScubaGal...It's nice hearing stories of parents making their kids fit into their world rather than giving up everything and letting this little person rule the entire show.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Explora View Post
    Thanks ScubaGal...It's nice hearing stories of parents making their kids fit into their world rather than giving up everything and letting this little person rule the entire show.
    Totally. Kids are just excited by you and their elbow and funny noises... You can still have a career.

    I'm in the reverse position, compared to my friend I mentioned it took me a lot longer to find my DH and in the mean time I got a successful career through accident and hard work but not because I particularly wanted to be at the top of my game. Turned out that when I was finally ready our only option was IVF. I'm thankfully now pregnant and I wish my husband was the big earner so I could take a nice long mat leave but it's my salary that brings home the bacon so it's not really an option.

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