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  1. #1
    harvs's Avatar
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    Default So apparently I have a bully :-( advice please

    At cc pick up today, they told me that DS has been extremely rough lately. He does pushing and hair pulling. They basically said it's because he is one of the oldest/biggest and he's bored. DS is extremely active like most little boys. Half the time when I go to pick him up he's been farmed out to the over 2s room, and they even sent him riding bikes with the over 4s last week. I'm frustrated because even though he turns 2 in the school holidays, they won't move him up to the over 2s room til 2015. So, it looks like this problem may continue for a while. It makes me really sad, because he's such a beautiful compassionate soul, and I don't want him to be 'that kid' at cc.

    They said they spend a lot of time keeping him busy and when he's rough they say stop! and then redirec him. I said I'm more than happy for them to sit him out for a minute, but they said they don't do that. So then how is he supposed to know he's doing the wrong thing? Then she said 'then the next plan is to deal with the dummy' as in get rid of it. I don't know why, but that really put me offside.

    I've asked them to reconsider keeping him in the under 2s next term as well. We said they would but I'm pretty sure nothing will happen.

    Anyway, are there any strategies I could try at home? He can be rough with me sometimes and I usually put him down on the floor again and leave him for a minute. When his dad visits they spend a lot of time tumbling and playing, which I think is important and something I don't do a lot of. Is that something we should stop for a while? Is it possible he's acting out because his dad went away again? Is he old enough to be acting out for that reason? Is this just a normal stage?

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    I can understand why you would be put offside with talk about getting rid of the dummy - that's unrelated to any behaviour, a personal decision and kinda undermining :-(
    I think you're correct that the rough play with his dad is a good thing. I support the idea that rough play (wrestling with dad) allows boys to understand and control their strength. Perhaps, when his dads not around, you could try and do more of that boy type play to help him experiment with his strength/size in a safe environment.
    Re pushing and hair pulling, both my sons have gone through (ds2 atm) doing this and as a SAHM, who has the luxury of being around to see it all, I've never seen my boys do it in anger it is usually just that bigger boy, as both of mine have been, not knowing their own strength and also looking for a response from their peers. I'm sure your ds is a lovely boy and not at all a bully. It's hard when they are the biggest in the room. :-(

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  4. #3
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    Some carers just suck and won't get the best out of your child. Hopefully the change of room next year will help.

    DD1 had a carer who was super harsh on her, she was 1. This carer pretty much hated my beautiful sweet DD. When she moved up a room I was sooooo happy and she really flourished. Her new carer loves her to bits.

    Unfortunately DD2 is about to start and will get the same horrible carer :/

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  6. #4
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    No advice re the rough play, sorry; I just wanted to say that the dummy comment is ridiculously out of line. The "next plan"?? Who's plan? They are paid carers and not hired by you to "plan" such a personal and parental responsibility. That's just not on in my opinion. Who asked them? Have you expressed a concern or a desire to wean him off the dummy? If not, its not up to them to decide.

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    Don't get rid of dummy. I did at 2;5 and the very next month he was sick for 4 weeks and really needed it.

    My son didn't cope well at all in centre daycare. It was an expensive popular centre with long wait lists. I loved the centre and persevered for over a year. Then realised it's not suiting his personality. I've just moved him to family day care (max 4 kids same carer every day!!) and he's a dream now. He enjoys going and the carer loves him like a son. She texts me all day and just "gets" him.

    The CC girls need to step up. IMO There's nothing you can do to change his behaviour in daycare. I tried for months but realised they need to manage him and get to know him better. I can't manage him from home!! Esp if he is good / better at home. But if he's doing same thing at home I don't know. My only advice for managing behaviour at home is time out. That's what we use but I have a calm, sensitive kid that prefers books and talking to playing physical games. He got overwhelmed at day care centre. I'm not sure what would work for a boys boy!!

    Also, If the dummy soothes him I would definitely keep it while he's acting out. At the end of the day dummy is easy to get rid of. Is he using just for naps or all day? How is his talking? Is he frustrated by not talking and then acting out? I taught my son phrases to use with other kids.
    "It's my turn please"
    "Don't push me"
    "Come and play with me"

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    Oh it's always the school teachers kid isn't it ? Tsk Tsk

    Kidding

    I would say it's a combination of a phase and being bored, why can't they just move him up and see how he goes? What have they got to loose really, it's worth a try. The dummy comment was quite unnecessary as well, one thing has nothing to do with the other.

    Agree with COC about the wrestling and rough play, kids absolutely LOVE this but he does need to settle him back down again when it's over.

    I had a little giggle about them sending him off to ride trikes with the 4 year olds, I bet you he loved it!

    Don't stress, reading between the lines I can tell you are worried you are raising a future thug lol, it's a phase that will pass.

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    Sounds like I would be putting pressure on them to move him up rooms as he's bored and could do with a new set of careers. People can be so judgey about the dummy but you are the mummy and you decide when to give it up not them. In the first instance I wouldn't be changing anything and requesting he go up rooms to an age appropriate environment.

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    My son was rough like that at his age, he is now 5 and his teacher described him at parent/teacher night as a 'gentle and friendly soul'. So please don't think this will be how he always is! For my son, it was just a phase. It was his way of trying to get what he wanted from other kids.

    Also, I think rough and tumble is important with his dad, but just as important is his dad teaching him a) to wind down after, and b) that there are off limit actions. My dh stops as soon as ds does anything to anyone's face, for instance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Don't put a stop to this. I read in a book (can't remember which, maybe Stephen Biddulph - Raising Boys?) that rough play with dad's is actually good for development, provided dad knows how to calm them down if they start to get too rough.
    Yup, I've read that too and it seems very reasonable. It also teaches children boundaries as in, when one person says stop the other should respect it and to also know the difference between rough play and being overly physical.

    What about reading anti-bullying story books. We read "everyone's got a bucket" which is just lovely but I know there are lots of other books out there too that might be worth a look.

    As for the dummy, it's not their choice.

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  18. #10
    harvs's Avatar
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    Thanks all for the very helpful and supportive comments. I will take all of this on board, and I think the suggestion about stopping play when he goes for the face is something we can/need to act on straight away. Atm he thinks it's funny to grab mummy's glasses and run away with them. Mummy is so blind it's lucky he giggles as he hides with them or there'd be serious issues :-) And I'll keep pushing about moving him up next term. I think it's ludicrous not to since they palm him off every chance they get...

    Anyway, thanks again, and I will ignore the dummy comment for now. Or I should send him without one and see how they cope then :-p


 

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