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  1. #21
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    In the early days I had DH spend a Saturday with our twins while I was still around the house, but all I did was feed at the usual times, then hand them back. Even while I was feeding I pointed out jobs like washing he could get done while I fed (of course this is more than i got to do but i was being kind...ha!) While he had the babies I did gardening, cleaned, had a break to phone a girlfriend etc for the whole day. And was available for questions. He was so tired at the end of it! This was the beginning of his understanding.

    As time went on, on another day, while he minded the twins, I left a list of the usual jobs that get done in a day too. So he now got the full experience. This added to his understanding.

    Since then he has left weekends up to me. If I want to take time to myself or get jobs done I can, he does all routine stuff with the twins. Generally I choose to be around he and the bubs but knowing I can take time if I want it is a great thing. I'll never forget how wrecked he looked after that first day and I don't think he's ever forgotten either

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  2. #22
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    It's probably a planning thing too. We tend to realise what needs to be done in a day, the "windows of opportunity" to get them done in and if they don't get done then the house isn't going to function well for very long.

    I think when looking after young children you need a break from being around the house all day and need to get out and have a bit of balance in your life, otherwise you end up losing it. It's almost like gaol otherwise...except you have tiny inmates that you must also look after and you somewhat slave away for your room and food.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by GM01 View Post
    Completely understand where you're at with wanting to hand over DS as soon as DH walks through the door..

    My DH dealing with DD on weekends was eventually enough for him to realise it's hard work and then be more accommodating towards me... I can't really describe how the switch in him worked, but it just took some time. I've heard similar from a lot of other mums that their partners took a few months to "get it" with the first child and thought it was just the mum's job and they could go about life reasonably uninterrupted.

    Things that work for me and DH now even 2 years later is:
    • DH always sends me an sms when he is leaving work, OR if he is going to be later usual he sends me a message no later than 5pm.. might sound a bit full on, but it's not so I can keep tabs on him, it's just so I can mentally realise "ah he'll be home soon" and not have to wonder about how long I'm going to be here alone juggling DD for.
    • Assign DH a job for the early evenings like bath time, my DH adores it now and it's his main motivation for being home in time for it.
    • I'll often pass DH a beer or something when he comes home as well as DD, a little sweetener!! haha
    • I then cook dinner, prepare for bedtime etc and do all the other running around, exactly as you say that even though it's not giving you a break as in sitting around with your feet up, at least it's a break from DS.
    • We make sure DH has designated time on the weekends for himself without DD even if I'm swamped, he usually goes and plays with his motorbike or something and that way he can look forward to that even if he hasn't had an evening to himself all week.
    • I try and shower and do a couple of things early in the morning before DH goes to work (in case DD wakes early, he can look after her), that way in her quiet time or nap time (I know it's harder for you with a newborn, but it will come), I can actually have a few minutes to myself rather than having to try and do those things.
    Goodluck
    We do all these things too! Except for the beer. I like to go outside as a family to wind down before the mad rush

  4. #24
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    It has been a looong time since I've posted on here (haven't been on bubhub since I was expecting my last bub) but I couldn't read your post and not reply. It resonated so much with me.

    Here is an article written by a Dad for dads that I hope might help your DH understand. It is done in a funny way but gives examples that I think will hopefully help guys understand -http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/6/7/new-dad-survival-guide-8-essential-tips.html

    My other advice is.. You need to prioritise YOU. Men seem much better in general at prioritising their needs. They don't even seem to realise they are doing it sometimes, they need a break so they suddenly HAVE to go to the shops and get milk or whatever. Whereas most mums seem to put their needs last. We get lost in this idea of what we SHOULD do. First bubs needs, then the household's needs, then DH then ourselves.

    My DH is pretty damn fantastic these days about getting home and caring for our boys while I do dinner (sad isn't bit when cooking dinner is a mental health break) but he didn't immediately quite get how much I needed him home and to take the baby either.

    I found that I had to structure my days in a way that looked after ME as I came close to breaking. For me that involved getting out of the house. I get cabin fever at home and thoughts of all the things I SHOULD do overwhelm me. So some days that meant going to baby rhyme time at the library and then having coffee with the mums after. Or walking to the shops to have lunch (I found it so much easier to just sit and give bub the cuddles he wanted when I didn't have to do other things like make food or clean up). Playgroup, visits with friends, walks... Whatever helps you. My bubs were and are still generally are better out of the house. It takes initial organisation and may be tough without a car but please look into it. Walking, quick bus trips or get people to visit.
    So you don't get much done around the house... Too bad. If DH isn't giving you a break you have to take your breaks when you can get them. Washing and cleaning can wait until the weekend and DH can help!

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  6. #25
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    I would give up on the idea of him 'understanding' and start talking about 'time for mum' options. He doesn't have to 'get it' for him to be practical about time. Have you got a baby carrier that he could use? If he needs to shop or potter around the house then no problem. He can pop baby in the carrier and keep going. Does he have baby/dad things that they just do? Showering together, bathing, after work walk? We have a dog park down the road from us and I often see 3-4 dads with babies and dogs down there together having a beer. I like that they do that. He could do the shopping with you in tow so you feel like you're getting out a bit or if there's a café close by you could have a drink and read a magazine whilst he and baby trawl the supermarket. Being a mum is difficult.


 

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