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  1. #1
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    Default Too snip or not?

    Bit of history..
    Df and I have two LOs, 8 & 1. Our eldest is mine from a previous relationship, df was always adamant he only wanted one child and that once we had one together (dd) that we we're done.
    Fast forward to after dd was born and df has been so smitten, he never realised how amazing having a baby would be and how much he would love it more so than he loved being a step dad.

    So about 6mths ago we started discussing if we would have another LO and when. We agreed then that it wasn't the time and we should wait at least until I am back at work to build our finances back up again after being on 12mths mat leave. We have made occasional comments about names we hear and if we would like a girl or boy etc since then.

    So out of nowhere DF announces the other night he has decided he doesn't want anymore kids, he's happy with how things are and wants a vasectomy. I wonder if this mostly comes from the fact that he is almost 40 and is starting to feel his age?

    I'm really confused now and we seem to be a bit stuck with neither of us willing to compromise. I don't feel 100% done having kids and willing to commit to such a definitive procedure, DF isn't budging and keeps saying we can't afford another child and he won't take the risk of us falling pregnant.

    What do you do when you can't agree on having more kids or not? I understand to an extent this is his body, but we are a partnership so I would be really hurt if he went ahead with such a life changing decision like this without my support or behind my back.

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    Could you get an implanon or mirena inserted? Both last a few years and have good success rates for preventing pregnancy.

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    Sorry. Forgot to mention I have tried just about all other contraceptives and have terrible reactions them. Migraines and headaches just about every day. It was horrible.

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    I'm in a similar position but roles reversed. DH and I have 2 kids together and after our 2nd we both agreed we were done and he would have the snip. I get headaches and other issues from hormonal birth control. So after months of asking he finally went to gp to get a referral and comes home saying "I can't do it". It shocked me because I thought we were both on the same page but I have to respect his desire to wait. So for now we are stuck using condoms as I don't want to put up with headaches, etc. There is a female version of condoms, not sure what they are called but maybe u could try those?

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    Sorry you are going through this...

    Unfortunately Hun in these types of cases the parent hat doesn't want kids wins. You can't bring a kid into the world without the consent of the other parent (well you can but that's a horrible thing to do).

    The best you can hope for is:
    1) that there is an underlying reason for your partners reluctance ... That can be addressed (eg finances if you agree to have a shorter mat leave etc).
    Or
    2) you guys talk, cuddle, understand each other's viewpoint etc and you come to peace with his decision.

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    Given you are not on the same page at the moment, I would ask your DH if he would consider other forms of birth control for 12 months and see how you both feel then.

    Unfortunately there is no "right" person in this matter. I've been there, with me wanting another child and DH adamant that he didn't. Unfortunately for me, his reasons for not wanting another child far outweighed my reasons for wanting another one, and in the end I gave up.

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    In my humble opinion, if there is any doubt at all... hold off.

    But then, there is the risk of an accidental pregnancy I guess, so that makes it trickier.

    It's a hard one isn't it? We are 90% sure we're done, but keep putting off the appointment for the snip because there is still that element of doubt. So in a way, I can understand your conundrum!

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    Thanks ladies!. Some good food for thought. It's so tricky. I don't even really know if I definitely do want another. I'm happy now with what we have but 4years ago We both could never have imagined our life would be like this (in a good way) so I can't comprehend how df can make a decision now and say for certain in 4 yrs time he will feel the same way.

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    He may be stressed about finances and is doubting his ability to be the main bread winner in the family.
    Perhaps if you do up a budget and show him that you can afford an extra child.
    Do some menu planning to keep grocery costs down, buying second hand baby items, selling some things you no longer need, looking into what extra family tax benefit you will recieve with an extra child.

    Id ask him to wait a year and see how you go budgeting and surviving on one wage, he may realise its do-able and not as stressful as he thought.

    My DP was adament we weren't having another after we had our DS 6 years ago as my DP also has 3 kids from a previous relationship that we have 50% care of.
    But over time he has come around to the idea that he would like another baby to give our DS a sibling and we are in the process of planning an extra bedroom on the house to fit another baby in.


 

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