He's 12 days old and I just don't have that all consuming take your breath away love for him.
He went into special care right from the birth suite and was there for four days, and I had limited contact with him. The nurses in special care had trouble settling him and he would cry and cry. Since we've had him with us we've had a bit of trouble with breastfeeding and it's getting a bit better but were still working on the latch. He would scream until he went on and I'd give in and just let him go on to make him stop crying which damaged one nipple in particular. One nipple was grazed and would bleed, and putting him on either boob made me cry until about two days ago.
I still have pain feeding him at night, it's like he won't open his mouth properly to go on. He twists his head away, and it's like he drops his chin rather than opening up over the nipple to go on?
My husband is head over heels in love with him. He keeps saying to me "don't you just love him so much? Hasn't your whole world just changed?" And frankly I don't feel the same.
I love him, I do but not as much as I think I should. He makes me feel anxious and edgy when he cries - I don't feel any love for him when he's crying. Like I'm a bad mother because I can't work out what he needs. Feeding him makes me cry and hurts me. I'm paranoid that I'm going to drop him on our tiled floor.
My parents came to visit for a week the day we brought him home and they wanted to be going places all the time, and I wasn't ready. We would go out but he would cry and cry and I just can't handle it, it makes me cry.
He's been snacking and catnapping the last few days and I'm anxious about taking him anywhere by myself. I don't even want to take him for a walk in the pram down our street because his crying escalates so quickly, I don't want to be where people will judge me. He will grizzle for all of five seconds before it becomes inconsolable screaming.
DH can be great with him, especially at night when he will get up and change him and bring him to me for a feed, but it's like he doesn't realise how much care he needs through the day when he's mostly awake and wanting to be on me, rather than sleeping. He doesn't understand that sometimes you just have to sit and hold him. This weekend he kept saying to me "I'll look after him, go lay down or have a shower" and when I gave him to him he put him down in the bouncer and would go play with his model planes, or do silly unnecessary jobs out in the garden and won't hear him when he grizzles or cries so I have to go to him before the crying escalates and I start to cry and the whole thing spirals
Sometimes I look at him and my heart just melts. And other times he makes my insides ball up in a big anxious mess. And when he cries and I don't know what he needs I just feel.....separate from him. I want to help him and make him feel better but it's like I don't love him when he's like that and then I feel worse about myself and like a worse mummy.
I'm just feeling like a bad mummy and that he deserves someone who loves him more, even when he's upset and screaming.