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  1. #1
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    Default Not being called out for such behavior is just as bad...

    If you knew someone or worked with someone who was over stepping the line or out right having an affair would you say or do something directly or indirectly you could let the cat out of the bag without anyone knowing it was you ...
    I really really believe by people NOT saying anything encourages people to do these things and are just as bad...
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    One of my closest friends/workmates had an affair. It's over now and she's rebuilding her life, but she still loves this other person. I struggled with being the only person to know about it, particularly as it was with a 'higher up' and I could see how she was benefiting professionally as well. I considered it extremely unethical. I also feel very fondly towards her husband and have always got along well with him.

    I honestly felt what you are suggesting - that I was just as bad, and that I could somehow innocently let the husband find out and ease my conscience. It meant that I ended up with the guilty conscience, being unable to sleep, being unable to look one of the most important people in my field of work in the eye. And I still get huge rushes of anger over it.

    I guess what I fell back on is my general life philosophy that it's not up to me to judge others, to 'fix' others or to hurt others. But when my friend kept confiding in me about how guilty she felt, I eventually said 'if you really want to stop what you're doing, you'll tell [husband] and bear whatever consequences come'. Apparently those words kept ringing in her mind and she did tell him one day. So I feel at peace with that.

    If it was the other way - if a friend knew that my partner was having an affair, I don't know how I'd feel about them not telling me. It depends on the closeness of the friendship and who they were 'loyal' to, I suppose.

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    If it's just someone I know, and I have no real relationship with them and I've never met their partner (the person who is being cheated on), then I probably wouldn't feel compelled to do anything. I would certainly think less of the person doing the cheating though.

    If I had met the partner of the cheater it becomes much more real. To be honest, I would be tempted to anonymously alert them to their partner's cheating.

    I was cheated on by my XP and I only found out after we broke up. It was damn awful knowing some people knew about it but said nothing. I wish I had known straight away as I would have broken up with him for sure.

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    If it's just office gossip or someone you know and it doesn't directly effect you - is say nothing.
    If it's a friend or close colleague and they're expecting you to lie etc I'd tell them to fix it... Hard one though with SO many variables!

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    No I wouldn't say a word. It's none of my business. You can never really understand the circumstances of someone else's relationship unless you're in it.

    I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just saying if its not your relationship, it's not your business.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodes35 View Post
    No I wouldn't say a word. It's none of my business. You can never really understand the circumstances of someone else's relationship unless you're in it.

    I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just saying if its not your relationship, it's not your business.


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    But don't you think that by doing this encourages them to keep doing it because they know that you or people know and are not willing to say anything makes them think that it is OK and keep doing it....

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    I think the two scenarios can be different. E.g working with someone or knowing someone.
    At work - I'd think very carefully before saying a thing. It's a workplace and not somewhere for gossip or personal morals/expectations. If it's a friend at work who has told you about their own affair, shut it down. Tell them you don't want to know. That you're only there for work.
    If it was someone you know, it depends on the relationship you have with them. This happened to me once where one friend was cheating on another friend, I wish I had said something. He found out, found out I knew and we are no longer friends. I still feel guilt over it.
    But if there's no direct relationship to you with any of the parties involved, stay right out of it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by purpleflowers View Post
    But don't you think that by doing this encourages them to keep doing it because they know that you or people know and are not willing to say anything makes them think that it is OK and keep doing it....

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    No. You're not congratulating them on their affair and saying 'keep up the good work'.

    I think it's better to focus on your own life and relationship than other people's.


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    OK would you feel the same way if it was your partner and people knew what was going on but said nothing...

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    Default Not being called out for such behavior is just as bad...

    Are these people friends? I think you can always expect certain standards of behaviour from your partner (ie not to cheat), but for others the variables are too big to be able to have a 'one size fits all' answer... The focus should be almost entirely on your partner's behaviour in this sort of situation. Often other people don't know what the right thing to do is.


 

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