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  1. #1
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    Question Dealing With Conflict

    Hi everyone,


    It's been a long time since I have been around on BH - about 7 years to be exact! Lol. But I'm back with a question.


    My partner, let's call him 'C' and I are currently dealing with conflicting opinions regarding "procreating" as he so nicely refers to the subject.


    We have been best mates for 6 years and together officially for the past 2. We know everything there is to know about each other and have an extremely close bond and relationship and have since we first met all those years ago.


    I am 26, almost 27 and C has just turned 30. I have an almost 8 year old daughter (8 on Sunday) and C has a son who is almost 7 (Christmas Day baby) We have both the kids part time as they both share equal time with each of their respective other parent.


    I am self employed and earn a good income while C is a concreter, steel fixer and formworker also earning a good income. He is also co-director of our business and trains and assesses for his three trades which brings in even more funds for the business. We are certainly not hard off financially but we do have $100,000 debt which includes both cars, his tax debt and child support debt as well as the usual life related debts people encounter. I'm currently working on reducing our debt down to a more reasonable amount. We are also silly with spending. We both enjoy going out and spending money on meals etc. That would be better spent getting ahead in life But we are working on that issue.


    Anyway, now that you know my life story, here is the problem. I feel like I am ready to have another baby but C is dead against it. He had a pretty rough time with his ex and he sees babies as more of a burden than a joy. He will walk the opposite direction if he hears a child screaming in the shops and says that taking a child anywhere is like a planned military operation. Whenever the subject comes up in general conversation with our friends he makes it very well known that he is NOT interested in having anymore children. There are some ongoing issues with his ex even though they have been separated for 5 years. I have that issue but you don't see that stopping me... Lol. I am very sensitive to his past experiences and understand that this has put him off.


    I broached the subject with him last night and after an argument he did agree to give it some thought. He raised some concerns which I do partially agree with and I have taken his concerns on board. He is concerned that now is not a good time- is it ever a "good time" to have a baby? He would like to be living in our own home before we have a baby- I want this too and we are working on this but it's a couple if years away before that will be realistic. He would like to be more comfortable financially- we are comfortable! Just stop wasting money on crap for goodness sake! Lol. He would like to have a large chunk of our debt paid off- ummmm... Working on it! Rome wasn't built in a day . I know it's a huge win getting him to even consider this.


    We talked about it again today, well I tried to talk but he got defensive. After he calmed down and decided to behave like an adult he saiid that he thinks February next year will be the time that he will seriously consider it. His reasoning is that gives us time to get through Christmas and the expenses that go along with it and also knock over some debt between now and then. And I agree with this. That said, I feel like this will be another situation that is just put off time and time again.


    My my argument is that I am not getting any younger. I never wanted the kids to have such large age gaps. I know people do it all the time but it's not personally what I wanted for myself or my family. I don't want to be 28 or older before we start having the "let's have a baby" conversation. It just doesn't sit well with me. I have been pondering this for the past year at least.


    I am am interested to hear everyone's thoughts or experiences in dealing with this issue. I'm trying to approach the situation with reason and a certain level of restraint but I feel as though my opinion and concerns aren't being listened to. I have told him this and I have also told him that I agree with him and understand his reasons.


    Its not very often that we face issues that we disagree on and i think we are both finding it difficult to find a happy medium.


    P.S. Sorry about the essay and spelling- using your phone to post is a pain! Lol
    Last edited by Iddle; 19-08-2014 at 19:39.

  2. #2
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    As the one in the relationship who doesn't want another, I would drop it until Feb as suggested, and then discuss it.

    For me, having that much debt would be a massive reason not to have another. And 28 is still very young to have a baby (physically I mean, even if it's older than you'd prefer).

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    Iddle  (19-08-2014)

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    And by that last point I mean you still have time to have another.

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    I think it's more the fact that I feel he will just push this issue aside until I give up that's bothering me most.

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    I understand. My DH told me he felt/feels the same. But pushing it only makes it worse, for us anyway.

    It's different for us though as I would be the primary carer, and I'm the one who doesn't want another.

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    its really hard when 1 party is ready to have more and the other one isnt.

    Having a good conversation about it like you have is a really good idea.

    and setting realistic goals. Like a specific date.

    do you think when it gets to February that he will change his mind and put it off again? or do you think he will agree to start trying then?

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    Knowing him as well as I do, I think he will probably just continue to delay it even further.

    It's a hard position for both of us to be in. I don't want him to resent me or the child if it does happen but at the same time, I don't want to spend the rest of my life longing for a baby that I never had because that will only create resentment.

    I am am very content in our relationship. I just feel that something is missing. With my daughter getting older the age gap is getting bigger and bigger. I would prefer to just have the baby in the near future rather than put it off any longer.

  9. #8
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    I have been here almost exactly, right down to the being best mates first part, and only disagreeing on this one thing.

    Based on my experience, and I'm just going to be blunt here, but I say it with kindness, a LOT of empathy, and compassion for your situation: he means it. He has been clear. He's not flip flopping around. There isn't a way to 'compromise' on this one. Even so, he is trying to acknowledge your feelings by setting a time to discuss it. I would do my best to honour that, even though it probably feels like forever away.

    If he is unable to be swayed or, as you fear, he keeps putting off the discussion, you will need to face the fact that it may not be a matter of giving him time to change his mind. Would you change your mind about this just because C kept asking, or clearly really wanted you to?

    I know it's an awful situation, and painful, and scary. If you're sure it's what you want, then it's possible that it will be something you can't have and still have your relationship with him. It's a tough decision, I do know that. But you are so young. You have time. It may not be ideal to have a big gap between children, but it may not be the end of the world either, if it comes to that.

    Good luck, and I hope things go the way you'd like in February.

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    I used to be married to Mr. Wrong. Before we got married he said he wanted kids, but then he changed his mind once the timing seemed right (to me) and I'd keep leaving it 6 months like he asked, then raise it again, to be told I was pressuring him etc etc. I was in my mid 20s, I didn't want to be an older mum, I was desperately clucky. We had some other issues and eventually had counselling together which was good and he changed his mind back again to wanting kids but not just yet. We still split anyhow and one of the realisations for me just before we split was that I didn't actually want to have kids with this man. I wanted the father of my children to embrace fatherhood, to want it, to feel a sense of fulfilment through having kids.

    Long story short. I did meet Mr. Right. He wanted kids with every inch of his heart and even though the timing wasn't perfect, he was happy to just go for it because he knew that we were going to have kids together one day anyhow. It was too late to be a young mum by then (32), but it was a small tradeoff in the scheme of things.

    Despite all that, fatherhood has been a hard adjustment for DH and it has put strain on our otherwise solid relationship. I would hate to think how hard it would have been if he wasn't 100% committed to having children to start with.

    I think you need to question honestly if cluckiness is clouding your judgement about how ideal your situation is to be having children together. To speak frankly, and I hope this doesn't come across as overly harsh, but he is a man who avoids kids, openly vents his spite for them, owes a considerable amount of money towards the rearing of a child he already has, and says he doesn't want kids. On paper he ain't looking like good father material. I appreciate that you love him, I am sure he has many redeeming qualities, but this goes beyond all that. This is about a responsibility to your future child to make good decisions now.

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    Albert01  (19-08-2014),harvs  (19-08-2014),ourbradybunch  (19-08-2014)


 

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