For so long I have been putting off going back. I needed to lose weight, I lost Barney, I had Angus' birthday. There was so much going on that I couldn't go back, not just the money but I couldn't face more potential disappointment. I was searching for a sure thing. Of course no one is promised their "sure thing" when it comes to trying for a family.
I was so broken when my mother died that I didn't cry. By which I mean I cried but I didn't wail and lose contact with the world the way I did when I lost Angus. Which has been a blessing in some ways. I didn't have any reserve. I've started to cry more over the last few months. Getting lost in what felt like a hopeless pointless mess. Hoping that some magical fairy would wander in and knock me up with my sure thing, my miracle baby, my happy ending.
But anyone who knows me knows that Ally never gets or does anything easy. Nothing come naturally or with ease, Ally is like awkward!
So while I was feeling particularly sorry for myself on Tuesday night and decided that between my head, my sulking and the coughing of some hanger on virus that, this was it. I could lie around sad all the time. I couldn’t hope without a plan and I couldn’t plan without doing. I decided that I would take myself off to the doctors the next day and get myself sorted out.
I got a Antinuclear Antibodies, my liver and my thyroid function tested and I asked for my third repeat referral to the womens hospital to continue on with IVF. And there bang on a piece of paper was my hope. And just like that I felt something shift.
I’m terrified of so many outcomes of this, not falling pregnant and wasting all that money or worse falling pregnant and losing a baby again. But at the same time theres that chance I might actually get to mother a baby more than just a warm uterus.
I know thers a good chance it will be 3 months before I get an appointment but that’s fine.. I have 6 kgs to move and then we start again! Needles, surgery and a bulk pack of FRER pregnancy tests
Angus 4~6~13, loved - wanted - missed
Barny barnacle - MMC Feb14 🎀