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  1. #1
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    Default Taking that first step

    How did you take that first step to leave your marriage?
    Dh and I are only really staying with each other for the kids and out of fear for making that first step to move out.
    We are currently in seperate bedrooms and dont miss each other.. we can get along with each other but the love is gone and we dont want to spend time with each other any more.
    Has anyone found that love again or just finished it?
    I dont work and have no where to go with two little ones.
    Dh doesnt want to do counseling as he didn't think it helped last time.
    I just hate the thought of telling family we are over

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  2. #2
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    Hubby and I were married for 5 years we have a 10 month old . Ever since we got married he never made any effort with our marriage not even on special occasions every time I wanted to go out it was like I was forcing him to spend time with me,but I still loved him,did everything for him and would always treat him that way. But for him he was just lazy and didn't make any effort. When I got pregnant things got worse he would complain if I asked him to rub my ankles when they were so sore and swollen like tennis balls it was like he couldn't do anything nice without complaining ! When I was pregnant he wouldn't touch me our intimacy we'll there wasn't any and even after bub he had no interest in sex with me you can imagine how that made me feel. He would always swear at me and put me down and always complained he had no time to himself ! What time did I get to myself ! He became so selfish what did he expect would happen when we had a baby. So after being told off when I got into our bed one night for wanting to sleep in the same room I thought things were getting very odd . I was ignored for three days so I finally had enough and packed my things and bub and left. He made no effort at all to get me back or fix things. Wow must have really cared about our marriage. I feel like our marriage was a lie. It really hurts that he has made no effort to fix things it's like I never meant anything to him and even when I suggested counselling weeks ago he said no as things have changed for him! Now he turns it around on me constantly says I left , yes I did after you told me you didn't want to be with me anymore ! Idiot.. You sound like your in the same position I'm in. I know marriages take a lot of work and especially after having a child but if one person isn't willing to put the effort in then there is no point you will always be the stronger one pushing for it to work while they just don't care.

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    Thank you for sharing your experience. I can see some similar things and sadly I know that if I packed up and left he would just let me go as it would be easier than talking through things and that just makes me sad...


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    I'm really sorry youre in this position, it would be so hard to make that final decision to walk away from the marriage, even though emotionally it sounds like you both checked out awhile ago. Whilst I can't speak from personal experience, if it was me, I would sit your husband down and have a frank discussion. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you and him are fairly amicable, so I would imagine if you sat him down and started by saying that you both need to discuss the future and make some important decisions together, hopefully that would open up some dialogue. You will need to discuss who is going to move out and when, and eventually you will have to come to some arrangement regarding visitation of your child, and lodging the appropriate paperwork to make the separation official (but that can all come later of course). I think firstly determining his thoughts and feelings on the state of your marriage is the most important thing. And as for telling your family, this would be so hard for me too. But I wonder if perhaps it won't come as such a shock to them? And if it does, you don't have to tell them all the details, just give them as much info as you think they require and then defer all other questions that you don't want to answer. They are your family, hopefully they will rally around and support you during this time. Good luck with it all.

  5. #5
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    The fear of the first step is what steals time and robs you of your future. You don't have to be miserable in your marriage to know that you can have a chance for more or better. I know that feeling of 'well, things aren't that bad, and it's better for the kids.' But everyone I've ever, ever known that's been there has said to me 'don't ever stay together just for the kids.'

    My advice - can you take some time apart, ie one of you move out for a specified time frame? You'll know how you feel at the end of that time - whether you want to fight for your marriage, whether you feel free etc. It's a gentler process.

    It's scary, I know it is. But it takes two to fix a relationship and make things work, so if that's off the table then perhaps it's time to look at other options - think about what you want from your future, what would make you happier, what would make you sadder. No decision has to be forever. But sometimes you don't know truly how you feel until you walk down one path or another and see how it fits.

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    Thank you for your replies. I have been thinking about them all day....
    We have definitely switched off from each other, I just got sick of trying to reach him on an emotional level so gave up.
    If I didnt need to connect with someone emotionally and need to talk things through with someone we would have a great relationship but it would also be an empty one.
    My friend told me I could stay with her for a few weeks with the kids.
    I would like to talk to dh more but he just stares at me and doesn't say a word as he cant handle any confrontation I have suggested he just writes me an email but he wont do anything.....

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    Omg I am getting no where! I just tried to talk to him AGAIN and he isnt interested apparently tired I asked when a good time to talk would be as we can't do it during the day with the kids around. He of course doesnt know.....

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    He sounds exactly like my husband he never used to make time for me and when I organised outings for us as a family he would whinge and complain about it! I was tired of feeling unloved and being pushed away it hurts he had to upper hand of telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore rather than me just walking away even though I left he never chased me or asked me to go back and work things out but says to me now I didn't have to leave ! I was so over feeling for years if I left that he wouldn't care and that's exactly what happened . I am so sorry it's come that for you men just don't want to open up and talk to us they shut off . It's funny even though I'm sad and hurt I still feel happier about myself as I don't have me unhappy taking his anger out on me and calling me names every day. If it dosnt work out you tried and you know in your heart you put everything into it he didnt

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    We actually had a talk last night. It was refreshing hearing him say what his concerns are. Tonight is the first night of him staying somewhere else for a few weeks

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