Last edited by RipperRita; 14-08-2014 at 11:59.
I grew up in a little town where I knew all my friends since kindy then when I was 15 my parents decided it was time for a change and we moved to the Gold Coast where I was put in a very expensive private school. My first day there I had to introduce myself and say where I was from and questions were asked and from that moment on I was the hillbilly from a back water town and was teased very badly. They made me feel worthless and I begged and begged my parents to move home because I was miserable but they told me to keep my head up high and be strong and somehow in my head I took that to mean I was worthless to them as well seeing as they kept making me go back. After a particularly bad day I went home and smiled through dinner and made out like nothing was wrong but then said I was tired and going to bed and I went to my room and swallowed a lot of pills. I got sleepy and curled up on my bed ready for it all to go away for the pain to stop and went to sleep, I woke up a little later on vomiting terribly my Mum came running in to see what was wrong and saw the empty pill bottle and the white vomit and realised what I had done. I will never forget the look on my parents faces that night, the horror, the heartbreak and the self blame and it is that reason that I don't share my experience and keep it a secret because I feel ashamed for causing my parents to feel like that even though they never once said or did anything to make me feel like that I still did. I still struggle with depression and anxiety and I fight everyday to try and not let it get that bad again but I know how bad those that commit suicide feel before taking that final step which is why I will always say it is not a selfish act because in our minds we truly think our loved ones will be better off with us gone.
Is it depression that leads to suicide?
Is it preventable?
Is it a dirty secret?
These questions end with a yes but also a no.
For some people, it is etched in their destiny.
For the media, they dance around the demise of the self at one's own hand as though expecting a hive to burst but the rest of us know how to read their code. And of course, you know the person being reported hasn't died of cancer when the blurb for Lifeline tapers off the article or when that number appears on the screen.
When one thinks of depression one immediately thinks of sadness and pain. But for some, your days continue as though nothing out of the ordinary is going on. You get up, peruse the train timetables, make a note of the least busiest times, work out where the track is, how to access it quickly and without too much notice, then you find yourself walking along it just to make sure you have your information right. Like planning a shopping list. And making sure you don't forget to let the dog out. You pick a date because it sounds nice on the tongue. Has a certain ring to it. Like that church bell you hear just after 11: steady, clear, precise.
Until someone spots you one day studying the gentle bend in the rail line and asks you what you're doing. You say you've found beauty and they ask where as they follow your line of sight trying to see it too. So to help them out you point to the link in the crevice and remark that it would make a sound anchor. Your hand is then gently taken, you are brought a coffee and in the still, frostbitten morning with the shards of frost still resting on the sign that heralds your date, so beautifully written, he puts his jacket around you and starts telling you about a man named Job and his ladder.
And as the dew melts, eventually things start to make sense.
And you are horrified that you didn't realise that for a very long time they weren't.
Resting on that ladder, the mystery unraveled.
Monday 8th March 1999.
Orson: The report, Mork.
Mork: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness.
Orson: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease?
Mork: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon. Even that doesn't help very much because then he can hear paint dry.
Orson: Does bedrest help?
Mork: No because I've heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them.
Orson: Do you have any idea why?
Mork: Yes sir, you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they're told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they're told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they're very old, they're told not to talk to themselves, who's left?
Orson: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely?
Mork: No sir, I'm saying just the opposite. They make themselves lonely – they're so busy looking out for number one that there's not enough room for two.
Orson: It's too bad everybody down there can't get together and find a cure.
Mork: Here's the paradox, sir, because if they did get together, they wouldn't need one.
Mork & Mindy (1979) - Season 1, Episode 21
I use to live by the motto if you physicaly can't change it then don't stress over it.
But the very first time my husband and I split up for a period of time I didn't cope very well.
I felt like a failure to my kids I was so stressed about how it would affect them and that I didn't want to have the attitude oh well every family goes through a split they are kids they will pull through.
They were my kids I don't want them to have to deal with a split I wanted to protect them.
I was so so angry so hurt so alone so hopeless. ...
I wanted to take the pain away....I wanted to take the sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach away.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was in so much pain emotionaly.
I thought of ending it I wanted out and at that time it was the only way to take the pain away.
I thought of jumping off a bridge but couldn't because I was scared of heights ....I wanted to slit my wrists but couldn't didn't like the sight of blood....I felt like a failure all over again because I couldn't even get it right and commit suicide properly. ...
I think.the thing ATM that keeps me here is my kids.I would be doing the wrong thing by leaving them with there Father. ...
Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
Last edited by RuffledPansy; 14-08-2014 at 08:58.
I saw a comment on fb likening suicide to euthanasia. How it's not selfish for someone who has been suffering with depression etc. for a very long time to want to choose when they will die. And in a way it can see how it actually seems more selfish of the people around you in your life to want you to put up with living in pain just so they don't have to live without you. I can see where this view is coming from.
Mrs Tickle (17-08-2014)
@purpleflowers I want to ask if your OK but I clearly see your not. I want to ask you questions but I know they will just seem generic and obvious. I hope you are able to seek help from someone who can help you manage the way you are feeling. Your last sentence was a pretty scary statement. I'm just a pm away if you need a shoulder.
hugs to purpleflowers. please share if you need to. we care and we can listen. and please, anyone who is hurting, don't try to carry your load by yourself. bubhub has any number of willing people who will try to help. private message or post to a moderator. my love, and God bless. Marie.
Oh wow. This is more of a vent but someone told me RW was a drug addict and an alcoholic who managed to give them both up and did what he did because he couldn't handle not using anymore. Wtf?! No.. I'm pretty sure depression and mental illness played a big part.
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