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  1. #1
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    Default DS keeps asking for his grandparents :( How to handle this?

    For those who don't know my story I have fallen out with my mother who is a narcissist. This is the second time we have fallen out with each other but this time its definitely for good.

    DS came home from daycare tonight and was asking for his Grandma and Grandpa. It broke my heart, he is used to seeing them every week and now its gone to not at all as she told me to get out of her life after I confronted her about a few things she had been doing that was causing me stress. Her and I have a very toxic, awkward relationship and unless its all on her terms and she calls all the shots we don't get along at all.

    Because DS was asking for them it made me crumble and i went against my instinct and i text messaged her tonight asking if she cared to see him again, as he is missing them. She replied saying she loves him to bits but doesn't want to be in our life. She believes I am completely in the wrong with everything, she re-writes history.... blames me for all of our ups and downs and now because I am not backing down like I always have with her she wants nothing to do with us. She even accused me of abusing her when I haven't! As far as she is concerned any sort of speaking up, standing my ground... is classed as abusing her and bullying. Ugh whatever.

    I feel me telling her that DS is asking for her is what gave her the upper hand to be so cold and nasty with me tonight. She was unusually power tripping after i told her that. I thought it would soften her but nope, as usual she used it to hurt me more. I should have known better, sometimes i forget how her game is played. She kept repeating how much she loves him, but I am in the way of her and his relationship and she wont have anything to do with him while I am being so firm with my stance with not putting up with her crap. This was after I told her he was asking for her. Because i said to her i wont shut up and tolerate being treated like crap, that maybe she should just treat speak to me like a mother should speak to their daughter instead of always trying to rile me up, she just said nope - she'll do what she wants and if i don't like it DS and i can stay out of her life. Then she'd say how much she loves him again. Pfft.

    I told her its the last straw, that her number is now blocked and deleted after my last message so to not bother contacting me in the future like she has done many times in the past as she will no doubt get bored with her life again and curious about mine and my children. She gets nasty and demanding too when i then stand my ground about keeping her away... so I warned her tonight that this is it. I will not have her in and out of DS's life. Its one thing she messed with my life before I had kids but its different now that i have kids involved. He is young enough now, if she isn't prepared to respect me and just be a decent mother and grandmother without all the games, and if she is going get all hot headed and say she wants nothing to do with us now - then that's it for good. No going back.

    I then blocked her number and deleted it, so thats that.

    Now... how to I handle DS when he asks for her? What do I say? Whats the right way to handle it? He's 2.5 years ...at the moment i get so stumped when he mentions her that i say nothing... and i feel like he may feel ignored and I dont want that .. I just don't know what to do...Anyone else in this situation? Help

    Falling out with my mum is whatever to me now. .. she has caused me enough hurt in my life to know she has done me a favor by being her usual spiteful stubborn self. But i am worried my DS will be effected by her suddenly being gone....Its a long time before he will ever understand why this had to come about.

  2. #2
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    Big hugs hun. I know how much strength and guts it took to finally cut your parents off after treating you so poorly, you don't need her selfishness and nor does your son.

    I would tell him firstly they've gone away on holiday. Then try stalling him by saying he can see them next week. Keep doing that and if it looks like he hasn't forgotten them, perhaps try telling him they moved away. I know it means lying to him, but given its in your family's best interests they aren't in his life, he will eventually forget about them and when he's old enough, you can explain what happened, but until then, keep reminding him they moved away until he is old enough to understand.

    My mum's mum committed suicide when she was 18. My mum always told me she died in her sleep. It wasn't until I was almost 18 myself that she told me the truth. I was a tiny bit annoyed she hadn't told me earlier, but I completely understand why she kept it a secret and it's not by any means an issue for us, so I wouldn't worry that you will hurt your son by not telling him the truth, he will one day be old enough to understand and he's still too young to feel like he misses them if he eventually forgets them.

    Good luck!!!

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  4. #3
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    I would just run with the "they're on a big holiday" and keep going with it. He is only 2.5, so it wont be all that long until he has forgotten that they used to be a regular part of his life. He is far too young for any other explanation really.

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  6. #4
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    Hmm sure you re not talking about my mum? I swear mine is just like that. Thinks she has the right to say and do stuff like that without consequence. The difference is though that I live on a different continent, so as long as we have skype/phone she is fine but put me in the same place with her and she will blow out guaranteed within a week. If she crosses the line again the next time we visit that will be it for me.

    But it seems like it is your mums CHOICE to not see your DS even though you contacted her she told you specifically she doesnt want to be in his life. I am sure down the track she will be "re-writing" history as well telling everyone who wants to hear it how it was you cutting her out of your life. (again, that sounds so much like my mum too)
    Im so sorry you are going through this and for your DS too.

    I agree with PP maybe tell him they are on holiday for now. Then say maybe next week or in two weeks, he might not totally forget about the right away but you need to protect him from the emotional damage your toxic mom is causing. SHE is the one who told you she doesnt want to see him. SHE has been warned. SHE is the selfish one if she cannot see passed the crap for your DSs sake. You gave her a chance to see him and she pretty much tossed him aside. It breaks my heart for you and your DS. Again a child is innocent in all this and he is too young to understand. But she cannot keep tossing you guys aside like that like you are nothing to her and then pick up again where she left off whenever she feels like it.

    Saying to him they moved away wouldnt be a good idea, cuz suppose you run into her at the shops and DS is with you, he will know you lied and that doesnt send the right message either. You could just tell him maybe that Grandma isnt able to make it this week.

    its tough and I soooo know where you are coming from and I dont have a definite answer but by all means you need to protect him from the emotional hurt. If she loves him so much as she claims then she would want to see him, but i think she loves herself over him

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    Quote Originally Posted by someonesomewhere View Post
    Hmm sure you re not talking about my mum? I swear mine is just like that. Thinks she has the right to say and do stuff like that without consequence. The difference is though that I live on a different continent, so as long as we have skype/phone she is fine but put me in the same place with her and she will blow out guaranteed within a week. If she crosses the line again the next time we visit that will be it for me.

    But it seems like it is your mums CHOICE to not see your DS even though you contacted her she told you specifically she doesnt want to be in his life. I am sure down the track she will be "re-writing" history as well telling everyone who wants to hear it how it was you cutting her out of your life. (again, that sounds so much like my mum too)
    Im so sorry you are going through this and for your DS too.

    I agree with PP maybe tell him they are on holiday for now. Then say maybe next week or in two weeks, he might not totally forget about the right away but you need to protect him from the emotional damage your toxic mom is causing. SHE is the one who told you she doesnt want to see him. SHE has been warned. SHE is the selfish one if she cannot see passed the crap for your DSs sake. You gave her a chance to see him and she pretty much tossed him aside. It breaks my heart for you and your DS. Again a child is innocent in all this and he is too young to understand. But she cannot keep tossing you guys aside like that like you are nothing to her and then pick up again where she left off whenever she feels like it.

    Saying to him they moved away wouldnt be a good idea, cuz suppose you run into her at the shops and DS is with you, he will know you lied and that doesnt send the right message either. You could just tell him maybe that Grandma isnt able to make it this week.

    its tough and I soooo know where you are coming from and I dont have a definite answer but by all means you need to protect him from the emotional hurt. If she loves him so much as she claims then she would want to see him, but i think she loves herself over him
    Oh yeah, she will definitely be re-writing history to everyone she bad mouths me too... but i actually feel she will proudly tell them she cut me off, as I have nothing to do with any of her family as it is as they're all a bunch of dysfunctional dishonest ratbags. But they will all side with her and tell her she did the right thing because they're all p!ssed off with me because i stood up to them a long time ago. They all deserve each other, honestly. But the thing is - without doubt time will pass, she will feel curious once our new baby is here and she'll start demanding I 'get over it' again and let her back in, for it all to happen all over again! Not happening. I gave her several chances last night to be sure with what she was saying as i told her this time it will be it. We are planning to move within the next year so once we do she will never even run into us again, we will be gone and not contactable at all. She without thinking angrily snapped back that she wants us out of her life. But i have been through this before, she calms down feels sad...etc etc. Then starts harassing us. I hope she does stick to her word this time though, as i don't have it in me to deal with her ever again and my children will definitely be far better off.

    Maybe ill keep telling him Grandma is on holidays or something. I am really curious to why he came home asking about her flat out last night it was very out of the blue and it really did seem like she has 'seen' her. I really hope his childcare haven't allowed her access to him ... i wouldn't put it past her to rock up to see him, she did it in the past - just rocked up to pick him up and was very surprised when they told her they need our permission first. But she was in the reception area and DS would have seen her.

    Ill be calling them on Monday anyways and having her name removed off his emergency contacts list and making them aware she is to not be dealt with. She is just the type of person to appear to torment him so then he'll come home asking about her just to torment me then! She's a real game player but im just not going to entertain it at all. I will not accept "It was done in the heat of the moment" as an excuse anymore.
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 09-08-2014 at 09:35.

  9. #6
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    Personally, I wouldn't lie. I know he's only young, but I don't think it's necessary. I tend to believe in age-appropriate truths except in extremes.

    I'd start with saying that we're not going to see them anymore. If he's upset, I'd acknowledge how he felt, but make it very clear we weren't seeing them. If he asked why, I'd say that Grandma was very mean to me for a long time, and it made me feel sad...that relationships can be difficult and sometimes they don't work out, and we couldn't see her anymore.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    Personally, I wouldn't lie. I know he's only young, but I don't think it's necessary. I tend to believe in age-appropriate truths except in extremes.

    I'd start with saying that we're not going to see them anymore. If he's upset, I'd acknowledge how he felt, but make it very clear we weren't seeing them. If he asked why, I'd say that Grandma was very mean to me for a long time, and it made me feel sad...that relationships can be difficult and sometimes they don't work out, and we couldn't see her anymore.
    My children can no longer see their grandmother either (we have court orders stating this). We go with very similar with the above. It has been a few years now and my youngest still occasionally asks.

    I wouldn't lie and say a holiday otherwise if it comes out later he may get angry about being lied to.

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  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    Personally, I wouldn't lie. I know he's only young, but I don't think it's necessary. I tend to believe in age-appropriate truths except in extremes.

    I'd start with saying that we're not going to see them anymore. If he's upset, I'd acknowledge how he felt, but make it very clear we weren't seeing them. If he asked why, I'd say that Grandma was very mean to me for a long time, and it made me feel sad...that relationships can be difficult and sometimes they don't work out, and we couldn't see her anymore.
    This, I think it's better to just tell the truth in this sense. Lying about it will only stress you out more (trust me I did it for years for my dad to my siblings). I would also contact his childcare ASAP to make sure they know she is not to see him and to ask if they can do their best to keep him away from the reception area if she does come sniffing around.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    Personally, I wouldn't lie. I know he's only young, but I don't think it's necessary. I tend to believe in age-appropriate truths except in extremes.

    I'd start with saying that we're not going to see them anymore. If he's upset, I'd acknowledge how he felt, but make it very clear we weren't seeing them. If he asked why, I'd say that Grandma was very mean to me for a long time, and it made me feel sad...that relationships can be difficult and sometimes they don't work out, and we couldn't see her anymore.
    Scrap my last post, this is much better advice!

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    Thanks so much all. He mentioned her again this morning and I said she's on a holiday as I hadn't been back online to see these posts. When he mentions her again I'll be honest with him. I can't stand the thought of him getting hurt by it but at least this way I am at least doing what's right by him by being truthful. I wish he'd forget her now. It's such a downer when he brings her up.


 

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