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  1. #1
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    Default Need help- partner wants to move

    Hi i really need some help/advice. My girlfriend and I have a 5 month old son and things have been good - we have had the odd disagreement but who doesn't. Recently she has decided she wants to move back near her mother now which is 1000km away. (When we first met we had talked about possibly doing this in the future). This has caused major arguements. I have a house to pay off and a good job also I have been looking at jobs in the area she wants to move to and there are none for either of us. I understand her wanting to be closer to her family but I also want to be close to mine. She has now decided that as our son is half hers and half mine that she is going to move back to her mums for 3 months then here for 3 months etc so it ends up he is here 6 months there 6 months. I don't know what choice I have. I feel I'm getting the bad end of the stick because she will still have him all year round and for 3 months at a time I will be alone. And if I did move and we break up ill have lost my family and everything I've worked for. It's tearing me up but what choices do I have.

  2. #2
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    Wow OP. What a strange threat your gf is making. Do you know why all of a sudden she is so fixated on moving closer to her mother? Maybe she needs her support. Have you talked to her about why she wants to move and what it would mean financially, emotionally etc?

  3. #3
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    I have tried asking why this is and how I can help. I think it has something to do with my grandfather recently passing away and her wanting our son to know hers. I have even offered her to go down a month at a time a few times a year and to pay. This seemed to make her happier until today when she decided on the 3 months.

  4. #4
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    I'm sorry about your grandfather. Do you think you could get your gf to agree to some counseling to sort out what's best for your family. I don't think that 3 months here and 3 months there could really be good for you all. If she moved would she move in with her mother or rent a house? Is she working at the moment?

  5. #5
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    I don't think she'd do councelling she wouldn't even go to a mothers group when her mother said it would help with advice after she first gave birth. She would be moving to her mothers and she's on maternity leave from a casual job but plans to quit.

  6. #6
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    Default Feel for you..!

    Stressful times..!

    I worry a lot that a similar ultimatum will get put on me one day as I moved states by myself and then fell for someone from my home town and convinced him to move here too.

    I'm very curious about what is going on in her head. It's not common for a woman to want to be so far from her man for half the year. I know I wouldn't do it.

    Not knowing her, you're probably right about her wanting your child to know her mother and all the rest but I do think there would be more to it than that. She may not want to talk about it, she might not even be sure yet herself.

    I think it would be worth asking if there is anything else going on at a time when your son is asleep perhaps and maybe over a glass of wine or something not while she is busy or tense.
    I wouldn't push too hard for answers though if she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Like I said, she may not be sure herself...women definitely do go through stages where they need extra mum-support.

    Although she could be attempting to subtly force you into moving there by making a decision that would leave you feeling on the outskirts.

    I would suggest, that you suggest she go for a good length visit before making any decisions. If she does just need to have some mum support then she's likely to be happy to be back soon. Even buy her flight vouchers as a gift which will cover the cost of a return to show your support.

    Main thing is, I think you need to make sure you are supporting her, but remember that supporting doesn't mean agreeing with everything. It would be worth calmly stating that if she does go ahead with the move or moving...that it is not fair to force you to be only a 'part time' father when she will be a full time mother. You deserve equal time with him. Otherwise dynamics may start to shift and you may end up feeling out in the cold watching in on them.

    Also, have a good honest think about how the relationship has been going and make sure it hasn't gotten 'stale'. Or that she hasn't been emotionally pulling away. To keep it healthy you need equal parts of mutual Lust, Love and Trust. Lust is the one which sometimes we get too busy for. We can't forget lust though, when it is a solid part of mix, not much can go wrong. If you both aren't making deliberate efforts to make each other feel desired then it can build up a lot of stress over time.

    If you're confident that the Lust, Love and Trust are in good health then you shouldn't have issues and the distance should only improve things. However, if you aren't, then put in some extra effort in to make her feel special. Get a baby sitter and take her somewhere nice if you can or simply do nice things for her that you wouldn't normally do that will make her smile.

    It will help her realise how much she will miss you and maybe cause her to think on it some more.

    Sorry for the rambling on. Can't help it, but I hope at lest something I said will be useful to you.

    All the best!!

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    Default Make sure you up for yourself!

    You both have equal rights to parenting your child.
    I don't think I stressed it enough but you definitely should make a point of it if she does go ahead with this.

    The 6 months of shared time is exactly that, shared time. The other 6 months should be split equally between you. 3 months one on one time with your child, only 3 months by yourself. Seems less daunting now right...? And it's equal!

    And find out her expected time frame for all this. Before you know it, he'll be in school and you wouldn't want him jumping between two different schools.

  8. #8
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    Hi and thanks for your advice everyone. I haven't been on for a while and things have been going ok for the most part. Until the last couple of weeks the same things have started happening and when I ask to talk about it I get told there's nothing to talk about. Most recently... We are going to her families for Xmas and I can only go down for a few days as I have to work where as her and baby are going to stay for a month to have some good catch up time with her family which I am all for. Well today I get a message saying that she can't wait to get away over Xmas and I said it will be good for her to have a holiday and she deserves one. In response I get I'm not going to want to come back and when I do I won't be happy I want to move there permanently. I really don't know how to respond but I don't think there is much saving the relationship. I am getting to the point where I'm going to have to look for advice regarding our son. I don't want him to be living 1000km away when he has a good home here. She will be moving there wit no where to stay but her mums and no job. This is apparently better than keeping a family together. I'm at a serious loss.

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    Does your family live close by and do you see them regularly? If so is there any friction between your DP and your family? Is your DP comfortable relying on your family for support?

    Having a child can be very difficult for some people, particularly if, as in my case, you are prone to anxiety or depression. Before having DD I never would have thought that I'd be so happy to live so close to my parents, I would see them once a week or fortnight and that'd be enough. Now even though I'm a SAHM I rely on them a lot. I'm comfortable asking my mum to come over and help me or to look after DD if I need to go somewhere. I speak to my Mum at least once a day and if she'll always ask if she can pick up some groceries for me or if DD is giving me hell she'll offer to cook dinner for us. As DD gets older I don't need to rely on this help much but I did when she was younger and it was a life saver. As I said some people can easily manage with little support but some people only realise after having a child that they actually need a lot more support than they thought they would. Maybe this is where your DP is coming from, maybe she's really struggling and just wants to be close to people she can rely on and feels comfortable asking for help.

    I'm not saying you're wrong, just trying to offer a different perspective.

  10. #10
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    I'm really angry for you that she won't talk about it. She needs to give you reasons why she wants this! Why she seems to think a good solution is to be apart for 3 months - which would test any relationship, and have you lose time with your son - I would be asking her if she has a problem with the relationship and wouldn't she miss you? I'd be pretty insulted. And then the financial aspect - I'd be laying the guilt down about what her son would have to go without. Fair enough if she is not coping or needs family support - but for gods sake she needs to TALK about it! Just wanting to be close to family is not enough info. If my husband refuses to talk to me about something for even a few days, I'm spitting fire. It's death to a relationship, I just can't accept that sort of nonsense. Communication!!


 

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