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  1. #11
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    Op you do have to tell some men. He probably doesn't give ds morning tea because he himself doesn't eat morning tea. Going to Bunnings is probably his idea of spending time with ds so yes it may not be what you would do but it is his idea of spending time with his son. Some men do need telling whilst others just naturally pick up the slack. Others will do more than their fair share too. It's like those people who say 'i'm babysitting'. Ummm, no you're not you're parenting. give him options until he gets his own flow going. Unfortunately your man needs some training!

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  3. #12
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    Having a husband who used to be a lazy man child, and can err that way every now and again.... I'm not usually a believer in the saying 'people treat you how you allow them to' but in the case of housework, I believe it's pretty true.

    He does nothing bc he knows you will do everything. The things that worked for me were going on strike - and not just not cleaning. Don't do chores that will directly effect him. Don't wash his uniform. Cook for you and the kids, don't make him anything.

    Also write out exactly what you do in a day - either working or on leave, and ask him to do the same. His list on any given day is going to be much smaller and visually that is obvious. Men tend to like visual representations.

    Demand better treatment. Tell him you are sick of doing everything, that his laziness is making you stressed/wearing you out physically/making you resentful. Tell him if he can't man up and be an equal participant in the house maybe he needs to find a new one!

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  5. #13
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    Yeah one way to do this which I read in a book about couples, is to sit down with him and say ok how much percentage out of 100 do we each think we do in the house? And then you see visually where each person thinks they are at. Then you start writing down all the tasks that need to get done, from bathing kids, vacuuming, cooking, planning recipes, booking drs apppinmtents or getting the car serviced, paying bills, cleaning out the fridge, cleaning the toilet, yes, the bins, the lawn. And you divide the paper into two columns with your names and see whose column has more and you can see the actual percentage. I haven't done this with DH as he has definitely lifted his game the past 6 months. But I'm very tempted because I know whose column would be filled more! And his version of cleaning the fridge is throwing out one old thing whereas I actually go through and empty old food, rearrange, thoroughly clean shelving, so one persons version of a task done is not the same as another's!

  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Ah lovelies, I remember this so well, and the frustration that comes with it. I've written this elsewhere on the hub before, but I think it is the only golden nugget of advice I possess. It's called forced choice. We use it with children! So: 'DH, would you rather do DD's bath or stack the dishwasher and turn it on?' or 'would you rather get up to DS in the night and sleep in while I do the morning, or the other way around?'

    Only a complete jerk is going to say 'I'm not going to do either of those things', and if they do that is total go ahead to get your nag on.
    This is what I now do and am finding it works well

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  7. #15
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    MilkingMaid is offline Winner 2009 - Mod Award - most supportive member
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    This EXACTLY is why I'm a solo mum, and have an ex...

    (Well there were a few other worse issues, but...)

    Used to totally do my head in.

    I don't believe for one second that men need 'special' communication techniques or anything, they for some reason start to get entitled, and lazy. Annoyed the crap out of me when I was partnered.

  8. #16
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    I hear you OP ... My dh thinks he is friggin Captain America because he puts the bins out .... And once a year does a tip run ... Ring a ding ding. Whilst i do believe they dont have any real concept of everything that needs to be done to run a household with kids ....but im so over it being some type of problem that us women have somehow created... I think they are selfish pigs who can see clearly how much running around we do but deep down think its still " womens work" ... I dont believe for a single second that any semblance of equality exists on the domestic front... I believe its this underlying attitude that is a problem. I know not all men are like this but clearly many still are. This is the reason while single women live longer than married ones... !!!!

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  10. #17
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    I understand u - I work 3 or 4 days a week and used to do absolutely everything with the kids and house. After a few years I was totally fed up and resentful. The more you give, the more they take! I found when I just stopped doing things all of the sudden hubby would ask why things were different and I them started to negotiate who does what. For example, he missed bin day twice in a row, I let it sit and get out of control. I didn't wash his clothes and he ran out. My rule: don't pick up his slack even if it annoys you! Instead create a consequence. So we finally wrote lists of jobs and figured out a consequence. He now does bins weekly, mowing every 2 weeks, his own washing, ironing, and is in charge of tidying and vacuuming the house on a Saturday afternoon. We eat a meal I've preprepared and frozen for dinner on Saturdays after I finish work - which he has to thaw and cook. If all his chores are not done by Sunday midday, I don't go to the effort of putting on a big Sunday dinner. He notices as he loves leftovers and his food. I don't nag about it, but I have become ok with that it means that the house stays in squalor on a Sunday and the time that I WAS going to spend preparing food, I slap sandwiches together for dinner and go for a walk while he has the bathe and get kids ready for bed. I'm back in time to put them in bed but my walk - by myself - is bliss - and so that way I'm not so angry he didn't uphold his end of the deal because I overlook the chaos and get something small for me! Most daily tasks and the kitchen are still my domain but I choose to work on a Saturday so he gets his reality check looking after the kids alone and preparing food himself, but I pull out all the ingredients and guide him to filling lunch boxes for the kids before I leave. I also schedule kids classes like swimming or soccer on a Saturday and this forces him to take a more active and involved role. It is hard and took many years of arguing to get it this good and we still have a very long way to go.my other recommendations are the website and book "planning with kids", getting a thermomix (if you can afford one), and being very organised with meal planning and freezing food for later use. As I still do mostly everything by myself every other day (except Saturday) and the husband tends to work late randomly, these things made my own life easier and helped me more efficient at getting stuff done.
    Last edited by Miniminka; 03-08-2014 at 00:10.

  11. #18
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    Yeah my ex was like this (actually he was worse).. He's my EX.

  12. #19
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    AdornedWithCats is offline Winner 2013 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    I must admit dh is great with ds so im very lucky in that sense.

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