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  1. #11
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi dngfly, It sounds like you have unresolved issues with her father. ? You could be holding anger and pain from that relationship and without even knowing it you transfer the feelings to your daughter. If she has a different attitude when she is away from home and away from you, I would think counselling for you alone and for both of you perhaps later. I don't think there is any mental illness, but there seems to be hostility that can be removed . marie

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    Hello and I do really appreciate all advice!
    Since she has been at her new school she's won Merritt awards for her behaviour 😁 I am very proud of her for doing so well at school!!! But the moment she's in the car her behaviour changes. Today for instance, we got in the car and needed to pick up her sister over the other side of town, driving past just about every take away place along the way! She said she was hungry and I told her she'd be able to have something when we get home, then she started kicking my chair, whilst I was driving and squealing!!! I asked her to stop, nicely! By this time she begun to wriggle out of her seatbelt still kicking! I collected her sister (17 yo) and we got going home again. Again we drove past mcdonalds and hungry jacks... She started screaming demanding take away and I again told her no, she can eat when we get home! She refused to get out of the car when we got home then when she did she said she's ONLY going to eat the school food! (She knows she's not allowed!). Anyway... I didn't react negatively! She threw herself around a bit, buckling her own legs underneath herself as she slid along the walls until she saw her brother making fruit loops! She then made herself a bowl calmly and are it and has been fine ever since!

    I'm flabbergasted!

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    I have a little experience with behavior stuff. And after reading your description of this afternoons car trip my first thought was ... "And once she calmed herself down and began organising a snack, did you praise her?" Point being, Always look out for those behaviours that you want more of and make a big deal of them. And be specific with your praise. "Great work with making yourself a snack. High five!" is better than stunned silence or "good girl". Also don't turn it into, "see that wasn't hard why can't you behave all the time"...that turns it into another negative.. I think you would benefit from the triple p program? Research and see if anyone in your area is running a group. It sounds like you would benefit from this and so would your daughter.. As PP have advised see your GP or social worker at community health or something. On the right track and awesome that you didn't respond negatively to her demands and you were also consistent with the instruction of eat at home!

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    Just as PP has suggested I would take this as an opportunity for some praise - "I'm super impressed at how you calmed down then and got yourself some food - you should be proud of yourself - can we read a story together?"

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    Try praise for breathing. By that I mean praising for ANY positives you can find. it works. For example. Thank you for sitting down, thank you for reading your book, I like the way you brushed your hair, good job for reading with our brother, well done for holding my hand etc. try to ignore the negative behaviour and focus on the positives.
    Good luck!

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    Maybe fake it till you make it? Go through the motions of being a loving mother and maybe the feelings will come? If she's crying in her bed can you just go hop into bed and cuddle her to sleep? Even if she's asleep now go into her room and give her a cuddle.

    YOU make the relationship not her. My mum had a bad relationship with her mother, yet my mum and I are really close. Every time she gets upset about the relationship she had with her mum I point out her mum made it that way, but she built it this way with me.

    Maybe take snacks in the car to avoid low blood sugar tantrums? Could she be diabetic?

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    lilypily  (12-08-2014)

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    How are things going now OP??


 

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