My daughter is only 6 turning 7 soon but all her life I've felt a resentment towards her that I can't explain???? 😭
Her father used to hit me and push me around and I got nine intervention orders against him and my kids and I needed to relocate. She has a different father than my oldest two. She's ALWAYS had one behaviour at school/day care and one at home, like Jekyll and Hyde type differences the moment u leave one environment to the other??? I've begged and pleaded for help from services but no one comes, and it's been so long I'm getting numb to it!!! My oldest daughter (17) thinks she is attention seeking but I can not for the life of me give her positive attention when she's behaving so poorly! Being so naughty, and causing such upheaval and crisis in our home! I suffer from mental illness and her behaviour triggers anger in me and I become afraid that I'd do anything to make her just STOP whinging!!!!
It's constant and daily from dawn till dusk unless she's AT SCHOOL!
I'm feeling so bad because she cries for no reason and If she has a reason it's petty and I just get angry and neglect her. She's just woken me up for the fourth time tonight crying yet when I go to her bedroom she won't explain why she's crying so we can fix it and go back to sleep! So the fifth time I heard her after giving her all the opportunity in the world to tell me what's wrong, I've just ignored her. We don't have a close relationship at all, she's got nothing to do with her abusive father, she never was exposed to his violence, however blood tests reveal she has a higher testosterone level than usual. I'm afraid that it's too late for me to feel like I want to parent her, be her "mummy" give her cuddles and time etc etc I feel my maternal instinct towards her is gone completely and admittedly I have wanted to not be her mother anymore quite often because her behaviour is just terrible with no explain action how or why she's how she is???
I wish I wanted to kiss and cuddle her, do homework with her and read with her but I just can't find it in me I know it sounds shocking!!!!!! She's only little and she needs me but my walls go up instantly towards her every need 😭😭😭 and I hate myself for it but there's nothing I can think of to do?
I feel terrible because I spend more time avoiding being her mother and I'm very mechanical with her because her behaviour shuts off my emotions otherwise I'd spend forever just yelling at her if I let it get to me!
I can't handle it!!!!!! I just need her to be as she is at school at home!!! Why is it so impossible??? I'm sure she's going to hate me when she gets older but I don't feel I love her enough to care??? I feel so ripped off from not being able to bond with her because she's inconsolable! Unreasonable and impossible to please! Every family member can see that her behaviour isn't "normal" but I don't know what to do anymore, I've even gone so far as to considering adoption. But my heart is broken, I'm sure hers is too and I don't know what to do!!!!!!