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  1. #1
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    Default Mother/daughter tension

    My daughter is only 6 turning 7 soon but all her life I've felt a resentment towards her that I can't explain???? 😭
    Her father used to hit me and push me around and I got nine intervention orders against him and my kids and I needed to relocate. She has a different father than my oldest two. She's ALWAYS had one behaviour at school/day care and one at home, like Jekyll and Hyde type differences the moment u leave one environment to the other??? I've begged and pleaded for help from services but no one comes, and it's been so long I'm getting numb to it!!! My oldest daughter (17) thinks she is attention seeking but I can not for the life of me give her positive attention when she's behaving so poorly! Being so naughty, and causing such upheaval and crisis in our home! I suffer from mental illness and her behaviour triggers anger in me and I become afraid that I'd do anything to make her just STOP whinging!!!!
    It's constant and daily from dawn till dusk unless she's AT SCHOOL!
    I'm feeling so bad because she cries for no reason and If she has a reason it's petty and I just get angry and neglect her. She's just woken me up for the fourth time tonight crying yet when I go to her bedroom she won't explain why she's crying so we can fix it and go back to sleep! So the fifth time I heard her after giving her all the opportunity in the world to tell me what's wrong, I've just ignored her. We don't have a close relationship at all, she's got nothing to do with her abusive father, she never was exposed to his violence, however blood tests reveal she has a higher testosterone level than usual. I'm afraid that it's too late for me to feel like I want to parent her, be her "mummy" give her cuddles and time etc etc I feel my maternal instinct towards her is gone completely and admittedly I have wanted to not be her mother anymore quite often because her behaviour is just terrible with no explain action how or why she's how she is???
    I wish I wanted to kiss and cuddle her, do homework with her and read with her but I just can't find it in me I know it sounds shocking!!!!!! She's only little and she needs me but my walls go up instantly towards her every need 😭😭😭 and I hate myself for it but there's nothing I can think of to do?
    I feel terrible because I spend more time avoiding being her mother and I'm very mechanical with her because her behaviour shuts off my emotions otherwise I'd spend forever just yelling at her if I let it get to me!
    I can't handle it!!!!!! I just need her to be as she is at school at home!!! Why is it so impossible??? I'm sure she's going to hate me when she gets older but I don't feel I love her enough to care??? I feel so ripped off from not being able to bond with her because she's inconsolable! Unreasonable and impossible to please! Every family member can see that her behaviour isn't "normal" but I don't know what to do anymore, I've even gone so far as to considering adoption. But my heart is broken, I'm sure hers is too and I don't know what to do!!!!!!

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    RedCreamingSoda  (02-08-2014)

  3. #2
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    Have you sought family counseling? It sounds very much like she needs help and so do you. She sounds like she has no one and is isolated and depressed.
    Simple one on one time like just you and her seeing a movie might help- make dates, try to get to know her?

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    atomicmama  (02-08-2014)

  5. #3
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    I always come up with so many excuses not to be alone with her! I literally feel very negative about being alone with her because her behaviour is great, then as soon as I bring her home she starts chaos again??? For no reason she just switches and I feel very manipulated. It's not always possible to only take one child out when the others miss out. I could put more effort in but it needs to be give and take.

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    It sounds like a really hard situation. please go to the gp bad explain what is going on and they will refer you somewhere on a mental health plan. It sounds like your daughter is struggling and then you shut off because you don't know what to do and then she becomes even more upset. Vicious cycle to be in. Please get help.

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    Jontu  (11-08-2014)

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    Can you see your GP to get a medicare plan for subsidised psych visits? This could help put you in a better place to cope and have patience to deal with the behaviour in a positive way.

    You could try implementing some consistent positive behaviour rewards, like a sticker chart. Choose the behaviours, explain what they are/what they look like, get her to come up with some ideas of what she could do to get a sticker, then try to notice every good little behaviour. Don't remove stickers for bad behaviour, keep it all about the positive. Give a small reward at the end of each row (eg. 10 stickers) and a big reward, like a trip to the zoo or movies, at the end of the page.

    Plus one-on-one time to reconnect. Even just sitting down with a craft kit together for 20 minutes.

    This is a really challenging age where little girls morph from sweet things into almost-teenagers, I'm dealing with one myself and have taught this age a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself, but also don't be too hard on your daughter. It's not an excuse for her behaviour, you should still work with her to help her change in a good way, but understand that it can be quite normal - especially being a different child at home than at school. It tends to hit many girls around 7-8, but I've more often seen it start earlier when there are teenagers in the house.

    I appreciate how you feel about give and take, but at the end of the day you are the adult. It is unrealistic to expect her to change without guidance and support from you. To have the strength to be that support you might need some external help to work through the trauma of recent years.

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    Amiedoll  (13-01-2015),ElizaDoLittle  (11-08-2014),Jontu  (11-08-2014)

  10. #6
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    I really feel for you all! You need to start with your GP - a good GP will be the first step. You also mentioned your DD had high testosterone levels, is the possible cause being investigated? What is your support like ? i.e your mum, sister friends?

  11. #7
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    One other thing. Does she eat anything different at home to at school? My daughter reacts with ADHD type behavior to flavour enhancers. They're in all sorts of savoury snacks like flavoured chips and crackers, and 2 minute noodles.

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    I think you need family counselling asap. See your gp to organise a mental health plan.
    It sounds like your daughter is crying out for attention. I would guess she is acting out to get any kind of attention from you. Negative attention is better than nothing right.

  13. #9
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    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

    Going by what you've posted it seems like you haven't tried very hard. Seek professional help ASAP. This situation sounds like a form of emotional abuse. I struggle to understand how you could find no place to give her some positive reinforcement in some way. I see a lot of how you're feeling in your post, I think you need to step up and lead the way here. Take her out for a day, one on one, do something just you two and start building the relationship.

    Again I'm sorry if it seems harsh but your post made me feel so sad for your little girl. She must feel very alone.

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    It's a vicious cycle; you don't want to give your dd positive attention because she's playing up, but she's going to continue playing up because you're not giving her any positive attention.

    Considering you've considered adoption, your feelings must be pretty strong and she would be picking up on that. Put yourself in the shoes of a six year old whose mother doesn't want to interact with you, how would you feel?

    Take the pp's advice and go to your gp to have a mental health plan put in place. If you continue to neglect her need for positive attention, it's only going to get worse.

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    Bunty  (07-08-2014)


 

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