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  1. #1
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    Default Should DH be speaking to my mother?

    So I am no longer speaking to my mother.This is the second time we have had a falling out - basically I struggle to have her in my life after already a life time of control and abuse from her. She's not a stable person.... she is a classic narcissist and it effects me too much having anything to do with her.

    We fell out this time after my recent depression hit me (she was partially the cause, as well as the inlaws and other things) and when i tried to speak to her about things that were upsetting me she got all defensive as she always does. i told her maybe we should have a breather from each other for a while - and then she said she'd rather not have me in her life and that my DH can look after me. She said that as a dig as well as she is still bitter to this day that my father was never a supportive husband, and her and my sister resent me for having a DH that stands up for me.... helps with DS.. etc.

    I know she said it out of anger, but i don't care - she said it. So her wish is gladly my command. I blocked her number on my iphone (awesome new feature i discovered)... and apparently since the argument she has been trying to text me but not getting a response, so she now is texting my DH and telling him how well he looks after me and making out she cares how I am.

    At first i felt annoyed that he had responded back to her. He told me he'd rather not blatantly ignore her this time round as it only fires her up more (which is true) and makes her hassle us more.

    I just dont know how long ill be able to cope with her texting DH, making out she gives a **** after years of putting me through hell. I am happy to elaborate further if need be but its a long story of typical jealousy, her not coping with the fact she isn't my age anymore, she back stabs, manipulates... dominates... Puts me down constantly. Yeah you get the drift. She even stooped as low as cracking onto my DH once a few years ago when she was right in the thick of her ridiculous jealousy rampage she had with me... she behaved like a complete idiot. And tried to passionately kiss DH. The only way I have given her another chance since then was by understanding she is just a mental case and hates herself so much that she needs to try and make herself feel like she's better than me. So I forgave her, even though she never apologised.

    I guess with knowing how she works, I know she is just trying to keep DH on her side...she loves the thought of her and him being a team against me,she always plays that card. She always jokes about the fact if DH and i ever split she'd be on his side because she just adores him so much. He cant stand her and he hates the way she treats me. And she makes him uncomfortable. But because she is a nut job, he wants to this time just respond to her text messages to shut her up to try and keep the drama from me.. but im not sure that it will...

    Its just that it will make her even more convinced that I am in the wrong as usual, how I am a terrible daughter for not putting up with her **** and at least my DH knows who the good guy is (her) and she will most definitely tell people all of this, as she has in the past. Not that i should worry about that i guess. I don't even see any of that side of the family. They're pretentious and messed up. Dysfunctional.

    Do you think its the better way to go that DH just keeps mum happy by replying to her messages? She is going to just love using him as her little message deliverer to get to me even more and try and get a reaction, and its going to be so hard to not take the bait and call her up and tell her to F off. But i don't want to sound immature or petty or even controlling by telling DH to ignore her, which i guess will put some heat onto him from her as it has in the past.... he feels she is impossible to reason with and she see's no fault ever in herself, even when she has been horrible. She's always the victim even if she was the cause of the argument/falling out. So he feels he's best to just give her simple responses to keep her happy and be done with it. Im not sure im comfortable with it though.

    I just wish she'd leave me alone.

    When I am in her life she goes off the rails and is horrible to me because she is so painfully insecure and not coping with the fact she is not a young woman getting attention from men anymore. She even says herself "You are more attractive than I ever was" and then everything about her behavior to me shows nothing but resentment. But she wants me in her life because I am her daughter and she has a right to be in mine, but she has absolutely no respect for me.. My feelings are just nothing to her.
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 28-07-2014 at 01:31.

  2. #2
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    Your hubby's theory is backward.... Engage the crazy person and they won't bother you as much.... Really? He really thinks that would work??. Because that theory has clearly worked with his own parents right? NOT!

    Putting my Dr Phil hat on he would say it is your job to deal with your family and your hubby's job to deal with his family. If you want no contact with your mother then ask your hubby to block your mum's number from his phone. If he refuses then tell him to back the eff off and respect your wishes.

  3. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Apple iPhart6  (28-07-2014),Best Things  (28-07-2014),DarcyJ  (29-07-2014),haveheart  (28-07-2014),LaDiDah  (28-07-2014),ozeymumof5  (28-07-2014),Que Sera  (28-07-2014)

  4. #3
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    ^^ I agree completely.

  5. #4
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    I agree with VP (or Dr. Phil?). My life improved x1000 when I left DH to deal with his family. We've cut out one of his family members and I see it very much as 'we' doing that. I've had pressure from some family to either resolve it myself or influence DH to forgive, but there is no chance I'd do either.

    With my nutbar dad, DH understands he's way out of his depth trying to'help' any situation there and if there is communication, it is all through me. DH's family took a while to convince that yes, my dad really is that bad and no, I'm not overreacting plus no, I won't be asking him to a BBQ at theirs etc.

    Honestly, with the issues you and your DH have been having, he should be doing exactly what you ask without complaint or saying you're bossing him around. It sounds like he's not that great at doing what's best for both of you.

    PS. Have you been able to see/book to see a mental health professional? You have a lot that you obviously haven't worked through across many parts of your life. We can help with tips for specific situations but you're the only one who will be able to change how you feel.

  6. #5
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    I would ask him to block her as at the moment she is still getting to you. I would keep her out of your life completely if all she brings is negativity. Why worry about hiw she takes it? You never need to be subjected to her abuse again. Cut her out and enjoy your life.

  7. #6
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    Yes I do think it undermines how you feel that your DH is responding to your mother's messages. I understand how you feel completely and would be upset too.

  8. #7
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    VP has smashed it. DP should be doing what you're comfortable with as it's your parent. If you don't want your family to have contact with her it's your choice not his.

    I'm sorry you've had to deal with this OP. Huge hugs.

  9. #8
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    Your DH needs to stop engaging with your mother. It sounds like you are your mothers "narcissistic supply" and as you've cut her off she is using your DH. I'm not sure how much you know about narcissists (probably a lot if your mother is one), I've had the misfortune of having to deal with one recently. Perhaps you could educate your DH a bit on "narcissists supply" to get him to understand how his technique is not helpful. I'll try to find a link which helped me understand more about managing this type of person.

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    I think your DH needs to stop engaging with her.

    You do not want her in your life (with damn good reason), and whilst she is still maintaining contact with your DH she is still indirectly 'in' your life.

    After all the pain she has caused you, he owes her no favours by responding to her texts. He needs to block/ignore her.

  11. #10
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    you guys need a united front. He should block her too and stop contact. I followed your other thread, hope things get better soon.


 

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