+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Mackay
    Posts
    6,275
    Thanks
    809
    Thanked
    2,399
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week

    Default Help! Over my head!

    Ok so my husband and I are guardians of his 17 year old sister and have been for quite a few years. We are the only family she has (mil passed away and her dads whereabouts are unknown, probably jail as usual). I don't have anyone I can really talk to irl because none of my friends have teens (I am only 25).

    So I have suspected for a while that she is smoking (in the past before living with us she smoked, was a drug user and drank quite a lot). I didnt ask her about it but I had my suspicions- she started going out the front a fair bit on her phone and occasionally I would get a whif of ciggies on her but since dh and I both smoke I thought maybe it was just me.

    Anyway this morning my 7 year old dd pointed out a ciggie on the driveway. Sil said nothing. Then when I put rubbish in the bin I noticed ash in the area where she sits. And just now when I put clothes in her room, I noticed a strong unmistakable smell of ciggies in her room, looked at her wardrobe (i didnt go through it, it was open) and sitting right there was a half smoked ciggie. So thats confirmed my suspicions. I immediately called dh who is away at work and told him, and he said wait til he gets home in a week or so and we will sit down and talk to her. Part of me thinks yes, thats reasonable and the best way to go about it but part of me thinks I should talk to her this afternoon when she gets home from school. I will also be confiscating her phone and laptop indefinitely. Another reason I am angry is because she has just had braces put on and as she is receiving them free of charge (on a government funded program), there are strict conditions she must follow- not smoking is one of them. If she fails to follow these rules she will be taken off the program and dh and I will have to cover the full cost of all treatment etc which we cant afford and she is well aware of that.

    Yes I do feel like a hypocrite seeing as dh and I both smoke. And honestly if she was 18 I would be cranky but not much I can do. When she moved in with us it was one of the biggest rules- she wasn't to touch drugs or cigarettes while living under our roof. Honestly if she was an adult, I would still be miffed but couldn't really stop her. However she is not an adult and until she is, its my/our responsibility to deal with these things.

    I honestly dont know how to handle this- do I do what dh said and wait the week or possibly 2 until he comes home before dealing with this or would it be better to address it now? I also think she will probably react a lot worse if dh is there- she doesnt see him as an authority figure whereas me she does (at least more so than dh).

    Please help!!

    He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
    Embrace the chaos

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Mackay
    Posts
    6,275
    Thanks
    809
    Thanked
    2,399
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Bump... anyone? ?

    He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
    Embrace the chaos

  3. #3
    BH-KatiesMum's Avatar
    BH-KatiesMum is offline Community Manager
    Winner 2008 - The most optimistic poster
    Winner 2014 - Most Helpful Moderator
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Perth WA
    Posts
    22,406
    Thanks
    5,372
    Thanked
    5,811
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator
    200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a week
    its hard

    at 17 she is nearly an adult, and I would treat her as such.

    The big deal to me would be her braces ... so I would have a talk to her (without getting angry or making accusations).

    - Dont ask her "have you been smoking?" (just gives her the chance to lie) .. present it as a fact "I noticed that you have been smoking and wanted to talk to you about it"

    - talk to her about your own experiences (I started when I was young and wish that I hadnt ... its expensive etc

    - accept that she can and will make her own decisions - and to be honest, smoking isnt the biggest mistake she will ever make. Its something I wouldnt fight over ...

    - set down rules (only smoke outside etc) - and talk about maybe stopping until the braces are off, after that it is her decision but until then, you simply cannot afford the dental costs


  4. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to BH-KatiesMum For This Useful Post:

    Bluebirdgirl  (15-07-2014),LoveLivesHere  (15-07-2014),MoonMoon  (15-07-2014),SuperGranny  (15-07-2014)

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,224
    Thanks
    171
    Thanked
    307
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I have to say being smokers yourself and really only a few yrs older than her u don't really have much of an upper hand here.
    If I was in your situation I wouldn't punish her, I'd treat her like an adult discussing (again) the braces issue and suggesting u both attempt quitting together. Set a date get some patches and a plan to help with cravings.

  6. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to grumpysmurf For This Useful Post:

    DailyDiversion  (15-07-2014),Luna Lovegood  (15-07-2014),PomPoms  (15-07-2014),Winterm93  (04-01-2016)

  7. #5
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,997
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,895
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    I agree that punishment in this case seems a little heavy handed (although I do remember all the issues you have been having).

    If she's smoking alone I would suggest she's addicted? So, as you know, it's not as straight forward as just making her stop. It's tricky.

    I do think that at 17 she is old enough to bear the consequences of her actions, and it would be reasonable for you to decide that should she continue to smoke then the consequences would be that you don't pay for her braces? Don't know if that's possible given that they are already fitted.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    Starfish30  (15-07-2014)

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    740
    Thanks
    205
    Thanked
    486
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Unfortunately I dont think there is much you can do. At 17 she's practically an adult anyway. My parents were very against me smoking and didn't allow me to smoke at home, so I would go for a walk and smoke anyway. Nothing they did stopped me. So they stopped lecturing me about it, but they also never allowed me to smoke at home and they never gave me money to buy them - I had my own part time job however so was able to support my own habit. None of their lectures about how hard it was to give up made a spot of difference. It wasn't until I quit 10 years later that I though gee I wished I'd listened to my parents lol! Anyhow I would just stress to her that she could lose her braces, and if she stops getting funding then she will have to get them taken off as you are not able to pay for them. Apart from that I wouldn't bother fighting over it, it really honestly isn't worth it because I have a feeling she will smoke regardless.

  10. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    3,198
    Thanks
    312
    Thanked
    960
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by grumpysmurf View Post
    I have to say being smokers yourself and really only a few yrs older than her u don't really have much of an upper hand here.
    If I was in your situation I wouldn't punish her, I'd treat her like an adult discussing (again) the braces issue and suggesting u both attempt quitting together. Set a date get some patches and a plan to help with cravings.
    Agree with this. Have you thought about quitting? Might make it hard for her if she tries to but you guys are still at it

  11. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    17,747
    Thanks
    5,085
    Thanked
    8,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator - Thank you
    100 Posts in a week
    I agree with the other posters in that the punishment of confiscating her things seems a bit heavy handed. She may not be technically an adult but she's not a child either and I think that needs to be acknowledged.

    I'd just present her with the truth - you know she's smoking and that a) this goes against the rules she promised to abide by when she came to live with you and b) she can't smoke and have her dental treatment.

    I'd offer her any help/support she needs to quit - patches, gum etc...

    Good luck! It sounds so tricky - I started smoking when I was 15 and I'm sure it's going to come back and bite me on the bum!

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to misskittyfantastico For This Useful Post:

    SuperGranny  (15-07-2014)

  13. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    She is only months off being an adult. I think taking her phone and laptop is maybe treating her as a child when she is no longer one.

    I get you not wanting her to smoke, but the fact you and your DH smoke can possibly come off as hypocritical. Don't think I'm judging you, I'm a smoker as well and totally get how hard it is to give up. But maybe she is addicted just like you are?

    Agree with others, maybe try to give up together? I would speak to her and treat her as an adult. Explain why you are upset, and ask her what she thinks should happen.

  14. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    1,977
    Thanks
    324
    Thanked
    804
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think I'd probably have to say that I was disappointed in her choice to smoke, but admit that I could do nothing about it. I certainly wouldn't try to punish her. I would also say that she will need to pay the full cost of the braces herself. When the government program excludes her. If she wants to act like an adult by smoking, she can be treated as an adult and pay for her own braces.,

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to preggasaurus For This Useful Post:

    SuperGranny  (15-07-2014)


 

Similar Threads

  1. ttc #1 how do you know its not all in your head??
    By MrsSingh27 in forum Conception & Fertility General Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 13-02-2014, 18:32
  2. This is doing my head in - am I pregnant or not?
    By amethystblossom in forum Conception & Fertility General Chat
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 24-10-2013, 10:05
  3. Almost 18 month old doing my head in
    By Turk EnJayDee in forum 'No Cry' Sleeping Solutions
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-09-2013, 08:25

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Softer than your bub's bum Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Australia's favourite eco brand has delivered a gorgeous baby collection. Made from organic bamboo, Boody's extraordinarily soft and stretchy, skin-friendly tops, bottoms, onesies, bibs and wraps don't 'cost the earth'. Get 20% OFF! Code BUBHUB16.
sales & new stuffsee all
CarmelsBeautySecrets
Growing your own natural nails is easy. Years ago, I devised a simple and very effective technique which really helps boosts the nails' growth in as little as three days! And most importantly keeps them that way.
featured supporter
Sudocrem / Infacol
Sudocrem® Healing Cream is a soothing emollient cream which aids and assists in the management of nappy rash, eczema, abrasions, wounds and minor skin irritations. Infacol Wind Drops are an effective method of treating wind in infants.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!