+ Reply to Thread
Page 12 of 12 FirstFirst ... 2101112
Results 111 to 120 of 120
  1. #111
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Liddybugs View Post

    This.
    Please do some reading up (if you haven't already) about narcissistic personality disorder.
    Knowledge is power and reading up online was my first step of empowerment to understand and learn how to cope when my in laws were being horribly nasty.
    My husband and I went through a full year of marriage counseling due to his parents as that was an issue that had me pack my things and threaten to leave if we couldn't find a way to be on the same page with his parents and for the fighting to stop.
    I was a stay at home mum at the time, I had no money! I didn't even have a bank account in my name but I was fully prepared to sleep in my car, I just couldn't handle the vile abuse his parents were throwing my way.
    That was the moment my DH finally realized the way his parents were acting was not normal or healthy, we got help and it was so hard for DH to change his thinking after years of manipulation from his parents. It's a complex disorder but these people find ways to make sure their kids NEED them and to make sure they rely on them for life.
    DH stood his ground with them after counseling, cut contact, but they don't give up, it's been over a year of no contact at all and they just tried to contact him again because we bought an investment property and his parents are trying to get into the property rent free (long story) he is standing his ground, via ignoring them completely, but it's been so hard on him and he is going back to counseling now to try and work through all the anxiety it has caused.
    I DID back down at one point and just thought "F.ck it" and just decided to deal with his parents and follow the orders the barked, but once the get what they need from you, once you have for filled their purpose, they will honestly tear you to shreds and more often than not you CANT get out of that situation because some way they have trapped you, you become a shell of a person.
    They did this to me, and it was the most harrowing experience of my life.
    That nearly broke my marriage down, standing my grounds and not complying with them never had the same effect as the devastation of what bending and folding for these people did.
    It broke parts of me for life.

    As for your FIL swearing to your child, I've been there, my MIL called our 2 year old daughter the C word, to her face.
    She actually said to my daughter "you are nothing but a C**t like your mother"
    My husband did loose it, he went crazy at his mum, demanded she apologize, she refused and said I should apologize to her as I was the "C"
    DH didn't speak to her for a month, but some way, some how, MIL made her actions justified, became the victim and had DH eating out of her hands again.
    If my DH and I didn't go to counseling and get help, if he wasn't the man he is now that can see their true intentions and understand how abusive they are with their manipulation and actions I can honestly say I would have left with dd and went into hiding.
    Narcissists are incredibly toxic.
    Every thing they do is for their own gain and I wouldn't put the most vile acts past them.
    my situation was extreme but so much of what you have written screams narcissism.
    Do some reading up about it, see if the signs are there and if they are, I would really recommend some counseling.
    Please stand your ground otherwise It will only get worse.
    Goodness you have been through the ringer! May I ask what the situation is now? Do they still see your DD? I am horrified they would call their 2 year old granddaughter something so horrible. I wouldn't put that past FIL - why i say him is because MIL doesn't swear, but FIL sure as hell does - he was calling DH a C**t all the time while they were over here working on our yard.... and to then tell DS to p!ss off when he wasn't even doing anything, was just minding his own business playing with some sticks and flowers... makes me realise if DS ever answered back to him, how angry would he get and what would he say that we would have be expected to just accept because its "just how FIL is"

    So whats the go with your inlaws now? Are they cut off? or you just stay away?

  2. #112
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    6,694
    Thanks
    1,185
    Thanked
    3,209
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I know it sounds simple but stop engaging. You said you had a fight on the phone with mil? Why were you even on the phone? Just don't engage at all and lay down the boundaries with DH in terms of visitation and and other logistics with him maintaining a relationship etc.

  3. #113
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by lilypily View Post
    I know it sounds simple but stop engaging. You said you had a fight on the phone with mil? Why were you even on the phone? Just don't engage at all and lay down the boundaries with DH in terms of visitation and and other logistics with him maintaining a relationship etc.
    Basically it happened as she called DH, and then started tellng him how unfair we are being to SIL and that SIL was crying to her that day that she hasn't met DS yet. DH told her she owes me an apology and him for disrespecting his wife, MIL apparently said SIL doesn't as too much time has passed and we should put it behind us. I lost it... asked for the phone and told her off (pretty majorly) I did it because DH was not saying the reasons why we wont just 'forget about it'... i wanted them to know its because if SIL had her way DS wouldn't even be here etc etc. DH gets so muddled and doesn't explain things properly, and tbh he contributes to arguments continuing because he doesn't know how to put a end to them. He gets drawn into going around and around in circles like they do.

    I don't really regret telling MIL off on the phone. I worked on instinct and felt it needed to be done with how they have carried on lately. But i wont bother again, i wont be bothering with them at all tbh.

    Apparently i made her tear up when i told her DS wouldn't even be here if SIL had her way. And now she hasn't mentioned it since to DH (yet) so i don't regret it.... but i wont bother any more.
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 02-09-2014 at 11:31.

  4. #114
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    344
    Thanks
    157
    Thanked
    240
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Serenity Love View Post
    Basically it happened as she called DH, and then started tellng him how unfair we are being to SIL and that SIL was crying to her that day that she hasn't met DS yet. DH told her she owes me an apology and him for disrespecting his wife, MIL apparently said SIL doesn't as too much time has passed and we should put it behind us. I lost it... asked for the phone and told her off (pretty majorly) I did it because DH was not saying the reasons why we wont just 'forget about it'... i wanted them to know its because if SIL had her way DS wouldn't even be here etc etc. DH gets so muddled and doesn't explain things properly, and tbh he contributes to arguments continuing because he doesn't know how to put a end to them. He gets drawn into going around and around in circles like they do.

    I don't really regret telling MIL off on the phone. I worked on instinct and felt it needed to be done with how they have carried on lately. But i wont bother again, i wont be bothering with them at all tbh.

    Apparently i made her tear up when i told her DS wouldn't even be here if SIL had her way. And now she hasn't mentioned it since to DH (yet) so i don't regret it.... but i wont bother any more.
    They would have been mastering the art of keeping your DH as confused and bewildered as possible since the moment he was born. Keeping their "opponent" constantly befuddled is a classic NPD control game. The more off guard you are, the easier you are to trap. And the easier it is for them to pass off their disgusting words as "all a big misunderstanding"
    Fortunately for me, I have a great memory for facts and saved everything they ever put in writing. Especially as they tried to drag us through the courts. The only way they'll listen and maybe shut up for a bit is with irrefutable facts, like what you said about your SIL. Well done. My in laws tried a similar thing when they said they couldn't understand why I was so cruel and I wouldn't give them the time of day when they'd been nothing but welcoming to me. I pointed out that FIL had told DH that he wasn't to bring me around to theirs because I wasn't welcome in their home. Shortly after that we cut contact completely and they have been trying to get "back in" ever since. My husband has been disowned by both his brothers because they think we should just accept the parents as they are, and are so brainwashed that they believe we are making the whole thing up. According to them, the parents are innocent victims of the heartless b*tch their brother married (me)
    We are so, so much better off without them. It's amazing how their toxic influence can spread throughout other areas of your life. I don't mean to turn your post into a big story about me, I'm trying to show you that i understand and sympathise, and I'm cheering you on to get away from them for good!

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to safam For This Useful Post:

    Cicho  (06-09-2014),Serenity Love  (02-09-2014)

  6. #115
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by safam View Post
    They would have been mastering the art of keeping your DH as confused and bewildered as possible since the moment he was born. Keeping their "opponent" constantly befuddled is a classic NPD control game. The more off guard you are, the easier you are to trap. And the easier it is for them to pass off their disgusting words as "all a big misunderstanding"
    Fortunately for me, I have a great memory for facts and saved everything they ever put in writing. Especially as they tried to drag us through the courts. The only way they'll listen and maybe shut up for a bit is with irrefutable facts, like what you said about your SIL. Well done. My in laws tried a similar thing when they said they couldn't understand why I was so cruel and I wouldn't give them the time of day when they'd been nothing but welcoming to me. I pointed out that FIL had told DH that he wasn't to bring me around to theirs because I wasn't welcome in their home. Shortly after that we cut contact completely and they have been trying to get "back in" ever since. My husband has been disowned by both his brothers because they think we should just accept the parents as they are, and are so brainwashed that they believe we are making the whole thing up. According to them, the parents are innocent victims of the heartless b*tch their brother married (me)
    We are so, so much better off without them. It's amazing how their toxic influence can spread throughout other areas of your life. I don't mean to turn your post into a big story about me, I'm trying to show you that i understand and sympathise, and I'm cheering you on to get away from them for good!
    Oh no i like hearing other peoples stories, it makes me realise I am not alone and can stay strong.

    Its funny - our inlaws said the same thing when DH and I were just GF and BF - we were on the other side of the city having a day out, and FIL called DH and demanded he drop everything right away and drive SIL to her friends house as SIL's car wasn't working. They knew we were out but would not take no for an answer, but DH for the first time said no that he was busy and she will have to call her friends to pick her up... FIL then screamed into the phone that DH is a terrible person now that he is with me, i have dragged him too far away where he can't be there for his sister (who was 23 at the time - she's now 30) and that they never want to see my face around theirs again and for him to get rid of me.

    That realllllly hurt me ....but they of course after that were horrified when i refused to go to their house for xmas lunch after that and told DH how rude it was i didn't go and that they want me to just get over it.

    There is just no winning with these people. They think they can just say the most horrible things, and everyone is to just get over it.

    I don't understand why your DH's brothers are acting like that, wtf would you make it all up? My god.. poor you guys! Thats so good you sound like a united front though.

  7. #116
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    5,219
    Thanks
    2,842
    Thanked
    1,467
    Reviews
    8
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    500 Posts in a week
    400 Posts in a week300 posts in a week200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a weekFunniest Caption
    I've just read this whole thread and wow.. I hope that you can get a break and they leave you alone with your DH taking DS for visits.

    I could not be around people like that either. I wouldn't touch one cent of their money even though they should be the ones fixing your yard.

    "Insert witty signature here"

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to FrothyFrog For This Useful Post:

    Cicho  (06-09-2014)

  9. #117
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    1,320
    Thanks
    1,004
    Thanked
    783
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Yeah it was a horrible time to go through!
    Dd hasn't seen them in... Geez! A long time, I stopped her seeing them after the "C" word was dropped, it been longer since dd or myself have seen them, for DH it's been well over a year now. they don't seem to care, they just seem to care about DH, they just act like victims to other family members and use dd as the perfect reason why they are in such turmoil over ME stopping them from seeing her and DH, but they really don't care for dd. She is just a pawn for them.
    It's very weird, I can never fully explain it without it coming out all wrong (on so many levels) so I'll just say it how it sounds, MIL treats DH like her "soul mate" in a messed up, twisted way, I always came between her and her son, I changed her son, I took her son away from her, she acts as though they were a happily married couple and I've just come in like some Hussy and took him away in a heated affair! Lol.
    She use to ask me extremely sexual questions about DH (one example being that she asked if I preform oral s.ex on him, and if he liked it ) I remember telling DH in total disgust and his reply was "yeah, mums always asked about that stuff, she use to ask me and my brothers about m.asturbation all the time, it's just mum" W.T.F.... DH doesn't think like that now, but he honestly thought that was normal, it took a very long time for him to actually realize that, no!, that's not OK. I remember DH being upset, nightmares and huge anxiety attacks after a few months of counseling because he finally felt like he was able to stop sticking up for his mothers actions and accept healing, he says now he always knew it was wrong, but it was his way of coping when saying "it's just mum" same goes for his dad's abuse (FIL use to call DH nasty things and would be violent when DH was younger, but it was "it's just dad")
    So I know your frustration when you husband says "it's just dad" like that is suppose to justify what they just said/did?! Gah! It's so frustrating.

    I suppose you could say Dh's parents have ZERO boundaries in all areas of their children's lives.
    Even sexual, they have to make it their business, get involved, have their say etc... etc...
    My DH was very much the scapegoat in the narcissistic dynamic, he has always been "different" in his parents eyes in the sense he was a "free thinker" (like that's a bad thing) but it would change from time to time and the abuse would vary, he was labeled the naughty child too, he was the eldest so most of the attention was payed to his younger siblings, then once his parents tried to mould him to how they wanted he was old enough to react back and question things, he was the "problem" his other siblings were "perfect" but when DH achieved something that could benefit the family he was the "favorite" and the dynamic would change.
    His parents were also amazing at turning his siblings against him when they needed them too so it was always said to DH "see we ALL think your bad, so change or your the problem, not us"

    His parents are also christian (I have nothing against this at all) but they do use their religion as an excuse for outlandish behavior and a tool to frighten their children, my husband was bought up in that christian environment, again nothing wrong with that, but when your patents are narcissistic, and I would go as far to say FIL is a sociopathic narcissist, It's incredibly dangerous.
    Sorry for my crassness but it is all really one huge f*cked up situation and I could be here all day.
    My husband and I met when we were only 17 so I did see him in that family dynamic as he was younger, in saying that though after a week of being together we moved out and decided to rent a house (we both had apprenticeships at the time) so I never really got a taste of what his whole family was like under one roof.
    His brothers and sisters are all well into their 20's, they are adults, and are still living at home, no jobs, never had a date or a partner, no license, no friends what so ever, they are not even allowed Facebook or a mobile phone!
    But this is justified because they don't want technology in their home, poisoning their minds, (however MIL and FIL have internet access, phones, Facebook and what not) They are controlled by their parents, they are not treated like adults or pushed to be like one, they can't survive without their parents, and of course the inlaws LOVE that, they think DH is the bad one, the other kids are amazing (because they obey).
    There is so much more, but in a nut shell, dd doesn't see them, she never will, and DH agrees with this, we are lucky in the sense that his parents only care about HIM and not me and dd unless it's to put us down, say something bad or use us as pawns.
    When dd is an adult, sure she can meet them, I can't stop that, but while she is still a child I will refuse them seeing her as I truly believe she needs protecting against them.
    It was so hard to get DH to see my side of everything and to see how wrong his parents were acting.
    It went so much deeper than I could have ever comprehended, we originally went to marriage counseling to "see how I could understand his parents" so we could "stop fighting because I had a personality clash" I was on the verge of leaving, I couldn't do it anymore and at that point I agreed to counseling no matter which way DH suggested it as, within this first visit the counselor was even "wtf?" And asked for DH to have separate counseling because the way his parents had treated him and continued to do so was not right, not normal and not healthy.
    It was full on! DH pretty much had to be broken down to nothing and rebuilt again. I actually couldn't believe how much twisted crap he had actually blocked out from his child hood.
    Again I have nothing against religion, but the way his parents used their religion by installing fear, guilt and a means of justification for some of their behavior, it made dh extremely repressed, getting over the thought that he wasn't going to "burn in hell" like his parents had him believe every time he did one of the families (not gods) "sins" was shocking, considering he identifies his self as an atheist I was taken back that it had such a hold on him, which brings us to the now, he is excellent at holding his ground, he has found a few support groups, he has made some great friends, he has hobbies! Which I'm so glad to see, he has pushed himself so well in work and he ended up putting himself out there to try get a position that he never thought he could get, he got it and it's given him such a confidence boost, he is excelling in the position and actually enjoys and loves his job that he went after, not the job his parents first threw him into so his parents could smooch of it, he really is his own person with his own views, his own thinking, his own boundaries and he has the confidence to speak up when he feels something isn't right.
    The major thing now, is him dealing with fear, which is still causing him anxiety.
    He has no problems telling his parents to F off when they do demand he contact them, but after all is said and done, after he has stood his ground and stood up for himself and dd and I , he will have an anxiety attack.
    He is getting better, it will just take time.
    He is an excellent father and he always has been, he has never had an issue sticking up for his daughter, me it was different, but he has always been very primal and protective of DD, it was just as a family unit we weren't on the same page.
    It use to make me wonder too though about why he was so protective of our daughter around his parents, I think deep down he knew they were messed up and unsafe.
    Sorry for the ramble! It really has been some messed up experiences I've had with it all so once I start I can't stop typing about it

    I seen you said your own mother has NPD, and I'm pretty sure you were involved in a thread on here quite a while ago about a member asking for advise with her own inlaws, it was a huge thread, DH and I had only just herd about NDP from our counselor and I remember links being posted and DH and I getting a wealth of information via those links so if it was you thank you!!! It's crazy when you come on here and see how many others have parents with a personality disorder.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Liddybugs For This Useful Post:

    Serenity Love  (05-09-2014)

  11. #118
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    My god the sexual comments put chills up my spine Liddy - that's just all kinds of wrong and weird and.. UGH..... WTF!

    My mum used to do that to me. Its wrong, and not something i was ever comfortable with. God i feel for you having inlaws like that, just as well you and your DD have nothing more to do with them.... they are pure toxic on every level!

  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Serenity Love For This Useful Post:

    Liddybugs  (06-09-2014),VicPark  (06-09-2014)

  13. #119
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    344
    Thanks
    157
    Thanked
    240
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Serenity Love View Post
    My god the sexual comments put chills up my spine Liddy - that's just all kinds of wrong and weird and.. UGH..... WTF!

    My mum used to do that to me. Its wrong, and not something i was ever comfortable with. God i feel for you having inlaws like that, just as well you and your DD have nothing more to do with them.... they are pure toxic on every level!
    That's why they do it, they like to play with our emotions and watch us squirm. It's a game to them.

  14. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to safam For This Useful Post:

    Liddybugs  (06-09-2014),Serenity Love  (06-09-2014)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Feeling down, little vent..
    By Mama Mirabelle in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 14-01-2014, 14:50
  2. Feeling stupid and deflated :( *vent*
    By tubster in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-08-2013, 19:52
  3. Feeling like the worlds worst mum :( super lg vent
    By RandR in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 26-07-2013, 23:32

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Babybee Prams
Save $50 in our pre-Christmas sale! All Comet's now only $500. Our bassinet & stroller set includes free shipping AUS wide, $75 free accessories, 18-months warranty & a 9 month free return policy. Check out our new designer range today!
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Maternity Clothes
Looking to buy maternity clothes? :: Check the bubhub directory of local & online maternity clothes shops :: Find preloved maternity wear
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!