Wasn't sure where to put this so hopefully it is in the right section!
I just wanted to start off by saying I don't for one second believe that we are all to blame for delays in any way this is ALL about my personality. I have a nasty nasty habit of blaming myself for most things and laying incredible guilt on myself which obviously doesn't help anybody but It's something that I do all the time
Since ds1 was 20 months we have been going through the steps of having him assessed for his lack of speech. He is on the 12 month waiting list to see a public speechy and we have just started him with a private one. Over the last 6 weeks we have had a full health check done by the paeds at the public hospital. She asked millions of questions about everything and she spent a lot of time playing and getting to know him, we also filled out a huge questionnaire too. Anyway some questions were a bit out there and a lot of them were to be expected but one question that was bought up a couple of times has been playing on my mind.
She asked if there was any post natal depression after he was born. I told her that yes there was. I sought help and my gp threw a years supply of anti depressents at me and sent me on my way...I was there all of 5 minutes. So that made me embarrassed and I never went back. I believe my pnd was quite bad although not severe. Ds1 was also a very difficult baby who never slept more than 40 minutes for the first 18 months and had reflux. She was very lovely and empathetic about what I went through which was nice. I fell pregnant with ds2 when he was 15 months old and the paed asked how he coped when his brother was born. I know she was just trying to see if there were any big events that may have contributed to his lack of speech. He was barely speaking when his brother was born anyway and he has coped beautifully with it all so the paed said that probably had nothing to do with it.
His final appointment was yesterday and she said that she believes he has an expressive speech delay, his development in all other areas is fine. But she went through the report she had written quickly and there was a paragraph noted in her findings about my pnd and how I struggled with him for the first two years.
Yes that is true but hearing it being mentioned a few times and being written as part of his report has left me feeling quite sad and feeling at fault. Could my pnd have contributed to his delay? No matter what was going on I was always interactive with him and always described things and talked/sung to him all the time. I already felt like I hadn't done enough with him and now I'm definitely feeling like I should have done a lot more. I already felt like his delay was my fault because I struggled to be a great and happy parent but this has kind of cemented that for me.
Has anybody else been through this? Did you blame yourself even though it wasn't your fault? How did you deal with the guilt that you placed on yourself? I'm sure I'm just being a tad sensitive about it all but going through this process has been emotionally hard and stressful and I guess this just adds to all of it.
*I just wanted to reiterate that I would never blame a parent (especially one who has struggled with pnd) for delays or anything like that. This is all about my personality and what I put myself through. *
Thanks ladies for any help and I hope I haven't offended anybody xo