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  1. #11
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    I have a 5 yr old that I am fairly confident will still be in my bed at 7. He is a fairly anxious kid, but especially anxious at night times. Dh was the same as a child, he experienced his first anxiety attack as a child when no one would go to him and it was the start of a decade of serious sleeping issues. Dh and I are in complete agreement that ds will be with us as long as he pleases.

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    Thank you for all the replies. I don't know how to tag people! Anyway the reason I am wanting ds aged 7 out of my bed is because we are going through the final part of family law court, my son's child psych thinks it's a bad thing that my son sleeps with me, the ICL puts a lot of weight on the child psychs opinion and as I have been battered already about attachment parenting by my ex-dh's barrister I think it's better to play this game in order to win the war (so to speak). I as a mum have no problem with my son being in my bed nor my dd but in the eyes of the court co sleeping could be seen as me not allowing my child to become independent (seeing as he can sleep on his own elsewhere).

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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Upon reflection, @BbBbBh I get the distinct impression your exdh has a very similar temperament to mine. Sincere apologies if I have you mixed up with someone else.

    I blame a lot of my 9 year olds anxiety on having to spend time with exdh and the cr@p he puts the kids through each and every time they visit. She was a real mess for a while and was regularly wetting her pants at home and at school pretty well every day. She needs lots of cuddles at home and doesn't like to be out of my sight. She will sleep in her own bed, but apart from that sounds similar to your DS.

    I personally would be using the softly softly approach as in my mind forcing him could be counterproductive in the long run.

    ****again sincere apologies if I have you mixed up with another member. If so just ignore me******
    You're correct Cranky though he has been identified as someone with 'many traits of a personality disorder' (narcissism) rather than temperament. There is so much I could write about what my children have been exposed to and how these things have impacted and changed my children's lives (particularly 7yo ds) not to mention how that has now shaped my own parenting. I know my ex purposefully does things to the kids because that is the only way he can hurt me. And (rant rant) our system allows it to continue. I'm sorry your ex is a buzz tard too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    I can so relate. I've diagnosed my exdh with a narcisstic personality disorder in addition to his abusive behaviour. The psych we saw for counselling thought he exhibited traits of borderline personality disorder. When I saw your original post, it didn't occur to me you had to jump through hoops to please the parallel universe that is the family court system.
    Luckily for me it's a court appointed psych that has pinpointed his traits and unfortunately his gf has bpd (pinpointed by the court appointed psych too). However the hoops in family law court are many and not always in a clear row. Things can be twisted to suit. If you try to protect your children then you are an over anxious person, if you back down a little you're not protecting them enough, if you stand up to the bully you're seen as vindictive. It's a slow crazy system that allows children to be exposed to all sorts of things whilst you wait for your turn in court (cause if you withhold your children from the other parent, even though there is a lot of formal documentation on your side, then you're accused of parental alienation).

  6. #15
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    Now you've given a lot more context to your OP, I can understand a lot more why you want to help your son make this change. I just wanted to pop in and say I don't know why, but I was extremely anxious at night until I was about 10. I would not sleep on my own. I would wake mum up all the time because I heard noises. She tried everything but the one thing she couldn't fix was my anxiety. Her reassurance meant nothing to me. I can't even remember how many times I would get up in the middle of the night, move chairs against doorways and sit up watching some borderline porny movie on SBS.

    I'm not sure what led to my anxiety in the first place, as I never had an incident that triggered it all, but I distinctly remember saying to mum that I'd feel better if there was a man in the house :-) I know how that sounds, but as a child, I truly believed if there was a male there then he would protect me and my mum. Maybe this is why your son can sleep at his dad's?

    What would happen if you were away for a night and a male figure ie uncle, grandpa stayed at your house? Do you think he would still display this behaviour? It would be interesting to see.

    Is there a way you could 'indulge' him a little and get a home security system, or put locks on the windows, or check the smoke detector more often or whatever it is so he can see you do something to fortify? Could he help you lock up at night? Would he feel better if he had a lock on his door? You could get one that you could unlock from the outside if needed. Could you and he do some self-defence classes together so he feels like you can both protect each other and your toddler?

    I'm not sure if these things will help you or make him feel better - just trying to think of ways he can feel a little control of the situation, because until he feels safe I don't think he will stay in his bed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    i understand. I ended up agreeing to consent orders and having them converted to court orders late last year. I agreed as I was scared that exdh would just turn up at school and take them and I would have no legal recourse. At the time I thought the kids could cope with continuing to see him every second weekend and more over the holidays and I had heard so many Family Court horror stories that I was not confident I would get a better outcome if we ended up in court anyway. Has now backfired on me due to a recent event the kids don't want to see him again and I'm now contemplating taking it further. Stories like yours don't give me much confidence that the courts give the best outcome for the kids.
    I think it comes down to a few things: luck of the draw in terms of who your magistrate is, whether you can afford fantastic legal representation (legal aid doesn't cut it when the other party can afford someone at the cost of $8k per day), one's ability to stay calm whilst maintaining good boundaries and the behaviour being witnessed by more than 1 court appointed person. Also if at least 1 child is 11 years of age or older then they will be heard but this doesn't always go as well as expected. I seriously could have fallen in a heap a while ago but what keeps me going is the thought that if I stop I can't look my kids in the eye and say that I did everything to protect their well being. It scares me that my children could be forced to spend more time there which is what my lawyer has warned me about.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Now you've given a lot more context to your OP, I can understand a lot more why you want to help your son make this change. I just wanted to pop in and say I don't know why, but I was extremely anxious at night until I was about 10. I would not sleep on my own. I would wake mum up all the time because I heard noises. She tried everything but the one thing she couldn't fix was my anxiety. Her reassurance meant nothing to me. I can't even remember how many times I would get up in the middle of the night, move chairs against doorways and sit up watching some borderline porny movie on SBS.

    I'm not sure what led to my anxiety in the first place, as I never had an incident that triggered it all, but I distinctly remember saying to mum that I'd feel better if there was a man in the house :-) I know how that sounds, but as a child, I truly believed if there was a male there then he would protect me and my mum. Maybe this is why your son can sleep at his dad's?

    What would happen if you were away for a night and a male figure ie uncle, grandpa stayed at your house? Do you think he would still display this behaviour? It would be interesting to see.

    Is there a way you could 'indulge' him a little and get a home security system, or put locks on the windows, or check the smoke detector more often or whatever it is so he can see you do something to fortify? Could he help you lock up at night? Would he feel better if he had a lock on his door? You could get one that you could unlock from the outside if needed. Could you and he do some self-defence classes together so he feels like you can both protect each other and your toddler?

    I'm not sure if these things will help you or make him feel better - just trying to think of ways he can feel a little control of the situation, because until he feels safe I don't think he will stay in his bed.
    Thank you Harvs! Great suggestions. We do have a wonderful male flatmate (who is a single dad I have known for a few years), I put in a home security system and has shown him how the sensors work, we have locks on windows and dead bolts on doors. I don't make a fuss about security so that it makes him worry more but I think he does know that I put the security system in as his dad kept entering the house when we weren't home. He says his fear doesn't come from his dad but I do wonder if he is told things at his dad's house to scare him. Could be me but it doesn't make sense to me.

  9. #18
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    Ohh OP - apologies for saying what's the big deal, i totally get where you're coming from now. Some great advice has been offered. I really hope his father isn't putting the ideas in his head - that would be just horrible and so unfair. Do you think he'd do something like that deliberately?


 

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