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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeBe View Post
    My thoughts on the opening post are that most of the issues raised are not due to being a SAHM mum and would still be present if you undertook paid employment. For example, the issues with your unsupportive husband and the health/behavioural/language issues with your son. If you began to work outside of the home there would still be housework to do, your son would have the same issues, etc.

    You can still be a SAHM mum and wear nice clothes and spend time with friends who you enjoy being with.

    My advice:

    Sort out your issues with your husband
    Either hire a cleaner or sort out a cleaning roster so you only have to do an hour or so a day.
    Stop watching ABC for kids if you despise it so much
    Put on some nice clothes and do your hair

    Dont blame your issues on being a SAHM mum because they would still exist regardless of whether you took part in paid employment.
    Wait. What? Seriously?

    One's issues with being a stay at home mother are not fixed by switching channels/the tv off, changing clothes and putting on make up.

    I've been a SAHM for 8 years now, and most likely will be for another 4 years. I f***ing hate it. Sure, it was great and I loved it once upon a time. But now? The repetitive routine, lack of adult interaction and good conversation has just driven me insane. Parenting is hard work. Damn hard work, and as much as I love my children, being somewhat isolated from the everyday world of work is really hard.

    I chose to be a SAHM for the benefit of my family, but that doesn't mean that I have to love it. I am making a sacrifice for my family because that's what we felt was best, but what is best for them, isn't necessarily what is best for me, and therefore, it is absolutely okay to not like what I am doing, after so many years.

    And y'know what? It doesn't matter whether I stay in my PJ's all day, or dress up like I'm spending the day out in town, whether I wear a full face of make up or not. My feelings stay the same. It doesn't matter whether my children are plonked in front of TV shows that I detest, they are outside playing happily together, or we are doing a family activity, ultimately, my feelings remain. I can be socialising with good friends, or stuck at story time with parents I don't get along with. My feelings remain the same.

    Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do, how you look or who you associate with, your feelings about decisions you have made, aren't always positive. And you know what? That is absolutely AOK.

    It's okay to not like being a SAHM. It's okay to say it out loud. It's okay to complain and whinge about a choice you made, whether willingly or begrudgingly. It's okay to not be happy with where you are but continue to do it anyway if you feel it's best for those around you. It's absolutely okay to say 'I don't like it, it sucks'. It's not judgement on other people. It's not suggesting that it is the same for everyone. It is simply saying 'hey, y'know what? Sometimes, it's not great, being a SAHM is not for everyone, and that's okay'.

    You shouldn't need to feel, or be made to feel guilty for feeling that way. You shouldn't need to feel as though you should be grateful to have something when so many others want it, but can't have it. Ones own feelings are just that, their own, and it's okay. It's okay to put it into words the dissatisfaction you feel for the life you currently lead.

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  3. #82
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    Bravo @Lillynix, bravo



    He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
    Embrace the chaos

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  5. #83
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    What about getting a part time job? Nights if you have to. Or studying?

  6. #84
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    I agree with the studying thing- even if it's more of a hobby course. I did 2 separate courses a few years ago- quite honestly I only did them so I could get away from dd1 (my only child at the time). Ended up being a great decision, I felt like I was using my mind again and met some wonderful people. I felt part of a bigger picture again, not just trapped in my own little mundane bubble of routine.

    He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
    Embrace the chaos

  7. #85
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    I had many many many years of massive SAHM envy..... until I finally took a year off and became one, it was one of the hardest years of my life! I feel for the mums that work and wished they didn't, I feel for the mums that are at home and wish they weren't, to me the horrific thing is no personal choice for ourselves.

    I loved OPs post and I hope she felt better for getting it off her chest, I had a snicker because I could totally relate to parts of it, I too had strong feelings about Anthony Wiggle and abit of a mum crush on Jimmy Giggle in that strange year

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  9. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Tickle View Post
    I have three sons - 3.5, 2.5 and 4 months whom I love and adore immensely. When they were born, we made the decision that they were to be cared for at home, not to be sent to child care "because you don't have kids for someone else to look after" is how my DH put it at one point.

    So I did. And I hate it. Coming into my fourth year and I feel as though I'm working towards a tombstone rather than a milestone.

    Since turning in my work card, I have found that, largely, we SAHMs are supposed to be forever grateful for be able to stay home, to grovel at the foot of the Home Care Goddess because we have been spared the grindstone of full-time work. That we should count ourselves fortunate, that we have what so many others don't and if you complain or air dissatisfaction with life in any way then you're a cow.

    Mooooooooooooooo.

    I'm not grateful at all. I think being a SAHM sucks, actually. I feel like a numpty. My brain is used to navigate dishwashing versus nappy changing, feeding, burping, cleaning and making really important decisions such as whether I should be using the broom or steam mop in the kitchen today...

    I used to have responsibilities. I used to interact with other adults daily, engage in healthy discussions and enjoy close friendships. I was appreciated and recognised for doing a job well done. Nowadays, if I don't get the entire house clean and the kids mopped up I think to myself, crikey, what have you been doing all day? Worse, if someone else asked me that, the most I could come up with is a fight I had with the vacuum cleaner or why milk fed vomit is so hard to get off the carpet.

    I wish The Wiggles would go and wiggle themselves to death, I wish to god Thomas the Tank Engine would roll off a pier and die, Bookaboo could read a fkg book and get over it and The Wot Wots...well I'm sure there's an institution for them somewhere.

    My usual outfit is sparkly Slumbies and trackies..which I take pride in keeping clean. Although when I venture out to the library I do put a nice top on. Hair? Makeup? What's that? Haha.

    I used to venture to mother's club and a playgroup. But I stopped going to the first when all I heard was incessant chattering about all the stresses of being a SAHM, how it's such a busy job with barely time left to brush your hair and how there was just no time in the day to enjoy "me" time and how can you be so selfish for even thinking you could have time away from the kids. Why I stopped going to playgroup is much simpler: one of mums asked me what was wrong with my eldest child. As in, "He looks a bit slow. What's wrong wiv 'im?" And that's another thing. Hanging around deadbeats is not good for the soul.

    And I don't care what Jesus would do. I'm conscious enough about obtaining financial benefit from the government. I don't need to live the stereotype.

    So once I got over the comment about my slow child, I stopped listening to DH's denials and did what I should have done a year ago: I had him formally assessed. Hehasautism. There. Got it out. Yes, I'm in denial. He has a language problem, I say to myself. Those repetitive behaviours are just a childhood thing...maybe if I paid more attention when he was 19 months and started losing words he would have gotten over them quicker. Yes. It's like that. DH feels the paediatrician and the OT and the ST got it all wrong. Not his boy. Not on our watch. The professionals tell me I must send him to child care. That he must interact. That he must be part of a program. But I don't want to let my little boy go. I want him to stay home with me forever. Let's not mention our second child at this point who is exhibiting symptoms on the darker side of the spectrum that quietly terrify me.

    Then I remember how bloody boring it is at home. The endless cycle of housework, routine feeding, washing, cleaning, feeding, games, books, tv, feeding...and the same thing the next day and the day after that.

    To be honest, I want to go to work. I feel I'd be more useful there. In the last few years I've felt my brain shrink and realizing that I'll be a SAHM for another few years just fills me with dread. Mentally it's mind numbing. Financially, it's hard to swallow. I can't even keep a house clean while being home all day. I don't earn any money and the likelihood of ever working again is like watching a mist fade off into the distance.

    So aside from the mundane coffee dates, flying around the house in repetitive, cloth wielding circles, what I hate the most is the pressure from other mothers and society to be perfect and that I must love being a SAHM or risk being called an ungrateful b.itch. Women suffer guilt enough as it is as mothers and constantly worrying if we are doing a good job because all we can do is compare ourselves to one another. I'm just not suited to day long day care.

    In a few words, being a SAHM sucks.

    I have never actually aired any of this aloud before because of the fear of being judged, categorised, belittled.

    And then being asked, "Well what possessed you to have kids then?"

    I have my Kevlar vest on. You may fire at will.
    Ahhhh I love this you put being a SAHM perfectly!!


    Me + DP 01.03.2010 = DD 22.02.2011 + DS 20.01.2014 = <3

  10. #87
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    Ah yes OP I think you're definitely not alone there! It definitely becomes a giant rutt for many sahm's. I have enjoyed the times I've been a sahm overall but have certainly had many days feeling just like this too! And I had DS in daycare 2 days and sm studying. It's not enough, I need LOTS of 'extra-curricular' out-of-home hobbies to keep me sane and happy! Being a sahm just if itself would eventually send me to the loony bin.

    I think it's true of any situation where reality in no way lives up to the prior expectation of what it will be like. The idea if it sounds lovely, the reality is that it's relentless, especially if one doesn't have the luxury of a supportive network around and access to some other stimulation.

    I think it's really risky to plan parenthood ahead of time. We need to be able to be flexible in case it doesn't turn out to be as ideal as we'd thought. I always get twitchy when I read posts where one person in the partnership pressures the other to 'stay home' or 'go out and get a job now'. If its important to you (generally speaking) then you do it, but you can and should never try to control someone else's life in such a way, especially someone you're supposed to love and cherish!

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  12. #88
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    I felt that exact same way ! I went back to work after bub turned 7 months old and was so glad I did . I felt like I was of no value being home all the time that feeling is horrible. I just couldn't be a full time stay at home mum just wasn't for me. Back at work 2 days a week now and yes I am tired as Bub is sleeping terrible but I have more self worth I suppose and I enjoy doing something away from home and being around adults. I definitely understand you

  13. #89
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    It's taken me a few days to digest this.

    To say I was floored by your support is an understatement.
    Before now I couldn't really think of what to say. I just kept checking the thread to see if it was mine!

    Even those who proffered less than positive advice or comments, they too were gifts.

    And I understand that not everyone gets irony.

    But this piece has elicited a shift at home. I showed this thread to DH. He read it, we talked about it and we are mid-compromise at present. Good things will follow. I just know it.

    Yes, my original post was about me not about being an SAHM in general.
    And yes, I was worried about being painted a whinger and an ungrateful b....

    But gee, I'm so glad I wrote it!

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  15. #90
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    I' really glad that it has made a positive difference for you. That in writing things down you have decided to make changes.

    And I hope the changes make things better.


    btw - No - its not just a whinge, its a conversation about what makes you happy.

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