I feel completely lost with my life at the moment.
Having my three kids all the time is a constant state of guilt, low lulling sense of stress, boredom, overwhelmed loss of control and underwhelmed state mixed with feeling like I'm failing.
With three so young, my second child developmentally well behind (Being assessed by child psychologist and speech pathologist) and close to my third, I feel like I'm living in a cave of screaming, crying, restless, food covered monsters! I honestly dont feel like a great mother, like others deal with this life so much better than I do - Because I get completely shut down by it and wind up entirely lethargic and only doing the absolute neccessitys while simultaneously feeling like a loser.
They spend the majority of their day playing with their toys, asking for snacks at the kitchen gate, breaking into the kitchen and making messes, breaking things and spilling things, crying, tantrumming, fighting each other and being generally chaotic. I feel like Im too overwhelmed to engage with them much as a "fun mum" or "creative mum" or even I suppose "normal mum"
Instead I just try to get them out of the kitchen, bring them milk or water which they usually spill, try to get them to sit at the table, clean up mess, get frustrated at them fighting, and find myself escaping into my laptop, phone or running into the kitchen to do dishes (theres always a lot of them) or just sort of stand around cooking or hanging out where they can't get to me. I feel like my life has no purpose and Im not doing the active things "normal" people do because to me it is too much effort for not much reward.
My house is completely smeared in sticky substance. I feel like Im constantly wiping things I find that are sticky or dirty. Its gross. I feel like I chase them around constantly trying to make them clean but they find new ways to get dirty again then spread it around.
I often go through in my head what I need to do, How I can establish this routine or that routine to make things easier, but then as soon as reality hits, I try for maybe a few minutes then they break into kitchen again or fight for a bit or argue or whine and I just phaze out again and go back to escaping and not keeping up.
They sometimes go to their dads for a little while and I think HEY heres my chance to get ontop of things and create a plan of attack to put in place when they return.
However I then never get through it all not because I dont have enough time but because of a lack of motivation, then when they return it doesnt take very long at all before Im overwhelmed and zoned out again.
I think things to myself like "I should take them out more" but then I have to dress all three, find all their shoes, get them co-operating and in the car or pram if walking, then deal with any public tantrums and the overbearing hawk eyeing them all to make sure none of the three of them get abducted while they all run in different directions etc. Its not overly easier and seems like a lot of effort just to get out.
I feel like my brain just shuts down whenever I have a lot on my plate, and with three kids I always have a lot on my plate!
I want so bad to make a routine that works and makes things run easier! Ive had them before and worked by them - when I do it is like a weight is lifted and everything seems SO much nicer, but I cant seem to stick to them or they crumble once things get hard.
Im home WAY too much. When I was studying full time pregnant with two kids, I was getting out of the house more and they were going to care and I found life was infinitely better and I managed better! I enjoyed them genuinely and took them out without feeling overwhelmed, laughed with them, coo'd over them and I truly miss that! I still feel all of those things but it is just often buried under stress/feeling not enough for them.
Does anyone else feel like being home constantly with small children lulls you into overwhelmed/underwhelmed inefficiency? Or am I just a terrible parent?
I also just eat all the time now. Im constantly hungry and I think it stems from this boredom/stress/unhappiness with my situation. Ive put on more weight than Id have liked to and do not feel proud of my lifestyle/eating habits right now.
I dont think im "depressed" although I do feel anxious but in a dull constantly nagging way rather than panic attacks. I just feel like I need to figure myself out with this new lifestyle, and I feel afraid of how well I will do it.
Hoping to find the answers soon. I am taking steps to change things, trying to find the change that will make it all work better. But just felt the need to reach out and vent, maybe hear some relatability from others and find some reassurance that I can make a positive, rutt busting change.
Anyway - Thanks for sticking out my word vomit -