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  1. #11
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    Also check out the Duluth Model of Power and Control and Equality. You can google it and have a look at the wheels. You can't change someone who believes it's ok to verbally abuse women (you and your MIL). Its a belief that he would have had for a very long time. Also, how is it possible to feel sexual with a man who talks to you badly? Most women need respect and warmth to be intimate so no wonder you have no desire for him.

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  3. #12
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    I'm sorry I'm sure you play a small part in the situation but from everything you've described, it sounds like he is the one pulling the strings and causing most if not all of the conflict in your relationship. He sounds abusive, controlling, and disrespectful.

    I really urge you to think about the example that your kids are being given, they are growing up thinking that this behaviour is normal and acceptable. Do you really want that?

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  5. #13
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    I haven't read all the replies fully but I couldn't not reply.

    I agree you should seek some counselling for yourself, it may help you to gain confidence to leave, because is there really another option? He doesn't want to help himself as he doesn't believe there to be a problem with him, it's all you. It's outside triggers.

    As for his mother, it sounds more like she was putting blame on you in the way that you argue back, knowing it won't make much difference, so you aren't helping? If that makes sense?

    You aren't out of line. To be frank, what would be out of line is if you knowingly stayed in this unhealthy environment with your children and did nothing about it. Please, seek help for yourself for your kids and remove yourself from this situation. That might seem rather daunting right now, but with the right skills and a better understanding of why he is like and how he will most likely never change, it might be a motivator. I urge you to read that book 'why does he do that' which someone mentioned previously too. I recommended that to a friend in a rather similiar situation recently and she says it was an eye opener.

    I wish you luck! And also if you want I offer you a friendly ear, so PM if need be?

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  7. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    How does his father treat his mother? Are they still together?

    Your husband's relationship with his mother sounds similar to the dynamic between exdh and his mother. He would say the most horrid things to her and she would defend him to the hilt. Exdhs father was very abusive to his mother and I think she was so worn down by it all she didn't realise how bad it was.

    I got the Lundy Bancroft book from Amazon. I'm sure libraries would have copies as well. He has another book "Should I stay or go?" which would be applicable to you.
    His dad passed away 6 years ago. DH has said that when he was young his dad was pretty full on and would have a lot of arguments with his mum. DH wasn't too happy at home being the youngest of 5 kids and them all living in a fairly small house. They're a close family but doesn't seem he has entirely happy memories of childhood and says his dad mellowed a lot as he got older. He was pretty old by the time I met him and wasn't like that at all from what I could make out. I've often thought DH might be like how his dad used to be.

    I had a look at some of the abuser types on FB as Stretched suggested. Some of it sounds familiar.....particularly bits about me wondering if its all in my head as I am still doing now. I am really sitting here thinking am I just making more out of this then there really is. So much of it is caused by me too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bonezart View Post
    I haven't read all the replies fully but I couldn't not reply. I agree you should seek some counselling for yourself, it may help you to gain confidence to leave, because is there really another option? He doesn't want to help himself as he doesn't believe there to be a problem with him, it's all you. It's outside triggers.As for his mother, it sounds more like she was putting blame on you in the way that you argue back, knowing it won't make much difference, so you aren't helping? If that makes sense? You aren't out of line. To be frank, what would be out of line is if you knowingly stayed in this unhealthy environment with your children and did nothing about it. Please, seek help for yourself for your kids and remove yourself from this situation. That might seem rather daunting right now, but with the right skills and a better understanding of why he is like and how he will most likely never change, it might be a motivator. I urge you to read that book 'why does he do that' which someone mentioned previously too. I recommended that to a friend in a rather similiar situation recently and she says it was an eye opener.I wish you luck! And also if you want I offer you a friendly ear, so PM if need be?
    Thanks. I think my plan for now is to try to seek counselling just for myself and do a lot of reading. I feel like if I can be the best partner I can be then I will truly know that I am doing all I can. This will mean making sure my responses and interactions are respectful and appropriate rather than doing anything I feel might make it worse and contribute to the situation. I can only change myself not him...if in fact I do need to change. If this doesn't seem to make any difference then I think I will have my answer....

  9. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bond Girl View Post
    Thanks. I think my plan for now is to try to seek counselling just for myself and do a lot of reading. I feel like if I can be the best partner I can be then I will truly know that I am doing all I can. This will mean making sure my responses and interactions are respectful and appropriate rather than doing anything I feel might make it worse and contribute to the situation. I can only change myself not him...if in fact I do need to change. If this doesn't seem to make any difference then I think I will have my answer....
    All the best Bond Girl. We're all here if you need a sounding board. Sounds like a few hubbers have been in your position too. xx

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  11. #17
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    My XH used to be like your DH. Always putting me down in front of other people, showed no affection towards me, spoke down to the kids, verbally abuse to me, it was all about what HE wanted, not what I wanted or what was best for the family. I like you, lost the respect for him, lost the love for him, because it all built up inside me, and I ended up building a huge wall against him. I didn't want to be intimate with him, although did, just to shut him up, because otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. His dad apparently was verbally abusive, but XH's mum would just defend her son, that he can do no wrong. Nevermind in the end, I was shoved against the wall, and had all bruises over me. That didn't matter. To this day, he still wants to control me, and puts me down, and says, oh you think you are so much better than me. WTF ? Whatever, think what you like, I don't really give a hoot about your white trash life. Sometimes as much as you want it to work, sometimes it won't and sometimes they won't change. My XH is still the same - an 18yo in a 40 yo body. Thinks that the world owes him, and he is doing me favours. pfft. I have grown up a lot over the last 5-7 years, and am loving life now. I am just counting down the years til the kids hit 18, and I really shouldn't have to deal with him anymore (although I am sure there will be times where I will lol). Think about what you want out of life, and do you have the same goals. Are you both working towards them, or are you just doing them to please him, and keep him happy and keep the peace ? You have to ask yourself some questions. Good luck, I know it is certainly not an easy choice to make .

  12. #18
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    Hi Ladies,

    In the last few days I've searched for answers. Looked high and low where I can. I need advice and support and don't know where to get it. I remembered bubhub as I have posted here many times before about my DS, but never about this.

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 9. We have a young child. My husband is older than me. I loved him so much, but he just controls every aspect of my life. He made me cut off ties with family and friends til I basically had no one. I see family now, but I'm never allowed to go alone. I'm sure my phone is bugged or has some sort of spyware on it, he knows too much about my conversations even when he's not around. He demands to know my email and facebook passwords. I am trapped.

    Physically, he is not violent. Towards me at least, or our son, but he does have a violent past. When I do something wrong, like crack an egg the wrong way or put the soap down the wrong way, he gets angry. Different things get him angry, sometimes I'm suprized he doesn't get angry and then other times he gets mad as hell about stupid things, like the time I closed the car door by pushing it from the panel, not from the door handle. When he is angry, I am not allowed to answer back, or walk away. I'm to stand there like a little school girl and look him in the eye as he yells abuse at me. Its degrading. For years I thought it was me, but then when others started noticing the way he talks to me, I knew it wasn't me. He won't let me comfort our son either when he goes off at him for the silliest things.

    I thought I was ready to go yesterday, but even though he is an a*&hole a lot of the time, I know he loves his son. An when he's not angry at him, I know our son adores him too. Separating them is gutting me.

    I need to leave one day, before he ruins more of my life and relationships with my family, but when? He always threatened me that if I ever left, I'd never get to take our son. He's not a hands on dad at all. They play, and he feeds our son breakfast sometimes, but thats it. He has only put him in his car seat 3 times in our sons whole life (he's 4 now) and 2 of those times he forgot to buckle him in. He's not fit to have him on his own, but he'll make me fight for our son. If I could just walk away with my boy safely and live nearby so my son could still see his dad regularly, I would, but I don't think its going to be that easy.

    My phone is tapped and my email is unusable and I don't use facebook anymore. Bubhub is all I've got for now, he has no idea I access this website.

    Please give advice and support. I'm sure a lot of you have been in the same boat.

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi mysweetboy. You have added this on the end of another thread. I guess a mod might move it ?? You are in a very bad situation, I would be making plans to leave quickly. don't wait for his behaviour to get any worse. gather your important papers, birth certificates, etc, if you can get some money? and be ready to leave. hugs, marie.

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  15. #20
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    Oh wow, mysweetboy that sounds awful. I think you need to go. I'd suggest getting in touch with legal aid and asking about yours and his rights around custody when you leave. Is it possible to start preparing to leave? Like figure out where to live, pack up essential items like birth certificates etc. get in touch with centrelink and maybe even some domestics violence services to help you get started.

    Id also suggest starting a new thread with your post, it will most likely increase the number of people who see and respond with advice. All the best x

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