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  1. #1
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    Default Confused about the future of my marriage

    I've been with DH for 9 years. We have two little kids. But I'm finally waking up to the fact that I am not attracted to him anymore and haven't been for a long time. I am not sure I love him in a romantic way either. I love him as the father of my kids, as a friend and a companion. But I'm not 'in love' with him. And I certainly never want to DTD. When we do, which isn't often, I think about other people, never him. That sounds horrible but it's true. He doesn't know. He on the other hand is very attracted to me, wants sex often and has never even looked at another woman in the last 9 years.

    He's a good dad, great around the house and can be very supportive and loving. The flip side, as I've posted on here before, is he is often nasty, verbally abusive, very stressed out and says negative things about me in front of the kids. It has been like this for years....terrible arguments that get nasty and have also been physical. We have numerous problems and plenty of times I've wanted to leave. But something seems to hold us together, the positives I've mentioned perhaps, and I also think about the kids and how much they need him. And I don't want a failed marriage. We've done counselling twice, but it hasn't made a lasting difference as we just return to our old ways as usual habits. We treat each other terribly.

    I don't even know why I'm posting really. I think I am just trying to work out if I can do this for the rest of my life, or even the next 10 years. I am in an unhappy marriage and I don't want to feel like this forever. But I don't want to be selfish either, my kids need this to work. I need to put them first. I just don't know how I got here. We're about to move interstate and I'm dreading the inevitable arguments this will bring as it's going to be a very stressful time.

    I am so confused about everything. Wish I knew what the right thing to do was!!!

  2. #2
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    I couldn't read and not reply. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know from the sleep threads that you're not sleeping much either, which can only be making it harder to cope. If counselling didn't work long-term twice, where do you think it has gone wrong? By that I mean what part of your and your DH's interactions and responses to each other make your relationship slide backwards? What does your DH think about things?

    In relation to your kids, what they need is healthy, happy functioning parents. If they're seeing your DH yell at and abuse you, it's not good for them either. Your wellbeing is so important to being able to look after them too.

    Only you can know whether you've come to a point that you can't try any more. Maybe you need some counselling of your own to sort through your thoughts.

    *hugs*

  3. #3
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    It doesn't sound like the issue is that you don't find your DH attractive, it's that his behaviour towards/treatment of you makes him very unattractive. If you've tried counselling twice and it hasn't work you can leave knowing you really have done everything you can to try to fix the bad situation.

    My mum stayed in a verbally and psychologically (and at times physical) abusive relationship because she thought it was best for us kids. It wasn't.

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    Does moving interstate mean moving away from your family? If so I wouldn't do it. It's just going to further isolate you from being able to leave if you wish to.
    I agree with stretched, it just sounds like the way your hubby treats you is the problem here and makes him unattractive.
    Your kids don't need an abusive relationship to work. Your kids need a safe place to call home

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  6. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post

    ETA I found counselling with exdh useless as the counsellor didn't really understand abuse and what was going on from my description until exdh lost the plot at me in front of her. Then she really got it, said she had never seen anything like it and told me to leave.
    That is terrible

  7. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Electric Boogaloo View Post
    I couldn't read and not reply. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know from the sleep threads that you're not sleeping much either, which can only be making it harder to cope. If counselling didn't work long-term twice, where do you think it has gone wrong? By that I mean what part of your and your DH's interactions and responses to each other make your relationship slide backwards? What does your DH think about things?

    In relation to your kids, what they need is healthy, happy functioning parents. If they're seeing your DH yell at and abuse you, it's not good for them either. Your wellbeing is so important to being able to look after them too.

    Only you can know whether you've come to a point that you can't try any more. Maybe you need some counselling of your own to sort through your thoughts.

    *hugs*
    Thank you. I think counselling hasn't worked as we've not been able to change our habits and the culture of our relationship. We will reach a point where we'll agree it needs to change but after we've recovered from the incident that triggered it things return to normal, be good for a while and we'll forget. Then it'll flare up again. He also doesn't handle stress well so those situations cause a lot of problems between us.

    I think you're right I need my own counselling to work through it all and see if I can change and do my own bit towards improving our relationship. There are times no matter what I do he'll blow up, but other times my response will help prevent a certain situation. However, that often means me biting my tongue when he's behaving unacceptably and allowing it to slide, which is fine for the sake of keeping the peace in front of the kids but not when it's just us and he thinks he can get away with behaving that way, if that makes sense.

    I've often thought one day I'll just snap and that'll be it, I'll leave.

  8. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post


    I couldn't read and not reply. My exdh was also very verbally abusive to me with the light physcial abuse thrown in (eg pushed me over, grabbed me by the wrists to scream at me, poking hard in the chest). He was also very controlling eg the only opinion I was allowed to have was his. Things were fine if I played by his rules. The problem was that his rules kept on changing depending on his whims.

    Like you I was also very confused as to what was best for the kids. In hindsight staying was not best as a very abnormal situation was normalised to the kids. I would die if my son treated any girlfriend/wife the same way as exdh treated me.

    The tipping point came for me when he

    a) started to verbally and physically lash out at one child
    b) was admitted to a psych unit

    I realised something was very wrong with him - and the problem wasn't me as kept on telling me.

    I would strongly suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?". Reading it changed my life and the way I think about exdh.

    ETA I found counselling with exdh useless as the counsellor didn't really understand abuse and what was going on from my description until exdh lost the plot at me in front of her. Then she really got it, said she had never seen anything like it and told me to leave.
    Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look at getting a copy.

    My mum has witnessed some of his outbursts while staying with us and is concerned he has something 'wrong' with him. But of course DH doesn't like any suggestion of that as it minimises my part in things and makes it all his fault. I am not sure if I agree with her or not. He also really goes off at his own mum, talks to her terribly too but she just takes it and has defended his actions in the past. We were staying with her last year, DH was shouting down the stairs at me while I was in the kitchen with her trying to explain something. I very calmly asked him to stop, deliberately acted in a good way saying I am just talking to your mum, and she told us to both stop it like it was me behaving like that too!!! Is it just me or was I being out of line? It's so hard to tell.

    He often embarrasses me/us in front of people with his outbursts like he wants others to hear to get attention and people on his 'side'.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    It doesn't sound like the issue is that you don't find your DH attractive, it's that his behaviour towards/treatment of you makes him very unattractive. If you've tried counselling twice and it hasn't work you can leave knowing you really have done everything you can to try to fix the bad situation.

    My mum stayed in a verbally and psychologically (and at times physical) abusive relationship because she thought it was best for us kids. It wasn't.
    I think you're right. The state of our relationship means I am not attracted to him. But he still expects intimacy. He'll be awful one minute then trying to make up and kiss me the next. I can't do it, I stay mad longer....but then it's my fault for prolonging the argument.

  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Party of Three View Post
    Does moving interstate mean moving away from your family? If so I wouldn't do it. It's just going to further isolate you from being able to leave if you wish to.
    I agree with stretched, it just sounds like the way your hubby treats you is the problem here and makes him unattractive.
    Your kids don't need an abusive relationship to work. Your kids need a safe place to call home
    Thank you. We moved here from the UK almost 3 years ago so have no family nearby anyway. Leaving him would most likely mean going home to have family help with the kids, but I know he'd try to block that as he'd want to stay. He's talked about taking me to court if I remove the kids from Australia if we split up, even though the only one of us who's a citizen is my baby daughter who was born here.

    We do have a close family friend where we are moving and I know she'd help if it came to it.

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    Even if you can't get the book, just Google the title. There's a Facebook page which lists and describes all the abuser types, it's a good starting point.

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