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  1. #291
    almai's Avatar
    almai is offline "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
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  3. #292
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    Wow this thread just took off!

    Before I read everything I'll reply while I have a moment.

    For the first few weeks following DD's traumatic birth I took a while to process it all, and to heal physically. In this time MIL was staying for two weeks. It was extremely hard going through the baby blues while she was here. Largely from the 'old school european' way. She didn't understand what I was going through. DP was stuck between looking after me and 'keeping face' to her mother. I said on a few occasions I wanted her to leave.

    We also had a rift in DP's family occurring at the time so MIL was in some ways adding to the stress by always talking about family members we weren't in contact with and how we should put everything behind us and fix said relationships (even though we weren't the ones to destroy the relationship to begin with). We really didn't need this stress at what should be such a special time in our lives.

    I did have some resentment towards MIL for a while due to comments and incidents during her stay, which was really hard for DP. She knows MIL was wrong in aspects and understands my upset, but she was worried it would ruin our relationship (MIL and I). So she was in a state of stress about that and when I would want to vent it just seemed to blow up.

    Once she left, it was great for a few days just our little family. But then the tiredness of it all kicked in and you're obviously not your best when you're tired so that lead to a lot of snapping at each other. We both missed the 'before baby us' because obviously we were ourselves completely back then. We hadn't yet figured out how to be the old us in our new situation.

    DP is also off work due to an injury requiring surgery. So whilst I love the extra set of hands and love that DD gets both of us, it can be hard having so much time together. At least it was back then. And I won't complain too much because I know many people would love to be in that situation, it just meant that while things were hard there was no down time away from each other to reflect, cool ourselves and look forward to seeing each other again.

    I joined 'parents group' (it's not mothers group as we have dads as well!) and that was and still is a great support for me. I get along really well with the other parents and it's my space. DP encouraged me to go which I'm thankful for.

    In hindsight, unless you and DP have great relationships with each other's folks, I wouldn't recommend them coming to stay for a period of time. Definitely say yes to help, meals, short visits etc... But when your little bundles arrive you really need your home to be your safe space to do exactly what you feel like doing. You also need the time to bond as a family and adjust to the new norm without having to focus on anyone else in the home. Definitely maintain 'you' time. Go for a short walk alone, go buy a new outfit... Anything that made you happy before Bub. If you're not happy, Bub feels it too!

    As I mentioned previously, we are in a much better space now and feel like we have adjusted into the parent roles quite well. We adore DD and lose so much of the day just staring at her. I'm almost always late for things now but I don't care! We've accepted our household is not the way it was pre-baby and that's ok too! The groceries sit on the bench for a few hours before we put them away (cold things the exception), washing piles up (used to be on top of that), the bed is unmade sometimes... Once we realised it was too hard to keep up with it all it was a huge load off to accept that this is our new life and time with DD is more important!

    All in all, we wouldn't change a thing. We are so blessed! (And I secretly can't wait to do it all again).

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    almai  (18-07-2016),Boxergirl  (18-07-2016),TortoiseNotTheHare  (18-07-2016)

  5. #293
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chekry View Post
    I think on balance we have been very fortunate. The first two weeks were hard while we tried demand feeding. Having home visits from the midwives then the MCHN telling us that DDs weight was too low has hard. I can't remember a home visit where K didn't cry. And when we had one visit with a weight gain we thought things had turned around then the next visit her weight was down what she had gained then some.

    We then bought a pump (spectra S2) and booked in with a lactation consultant recommend by another lady in our dig. From the start of week three we got a routine from the LC and haven't looked back. Tbh 3 hour feeds during the day and 4 hours at night didn't leave a lot of time for much. As each feed was taking an hour - 30 min breast then top up then 30 min pumping or formula/breast bottle then 30 min of pumping. While we were both home easy to manage, however while I was at work K was saying it could take 1:30 if DD was unsettled.

    The upshots to having a routine?
    1- weight gain to keep the MCHN happy.
    2 - I could help with feeds while K pumped and have quality time with DD
    3- 9 weeks later DD gets it and isn't cluster feeding or waking at all hours.

    We had to top up with formula for 6-7 weeks but have been ebm for around 3 weeks now, this makes K feel so proud.

    In terms of lack of sleep? We never had more than 6-7 hours pre baby so I thought we would be fine. And for the most part it has been. There has been 1 day at the start when I was so tired I felt hung over and the 3 pm slump at work is a real thing. K and DD however go for another sleep around 6-9 or however the feed works out and they seem to manage with that. I've been known to have a snooze on the couch after dinner with DD as it gets closer to the weekend.

    We prepared for the worst, accepted that it would be hard and to not be too set in how we wanted things to be. So far this is working for us.

    Fab reply, thank you. Does indeed sound like you have got yourselves into a great little routine

  6. #294
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    Quote Originally Posted by TortoiseNotTheHare View Post
    Lol we'll tell you ours when we have some! Right now our list is almost non-existent!

    What have you got so far? We won't steal them

    It would be hilarious if some were the same though... You would never believe me anyway Hahahaha
    Only the one of each now..I just can't make myself like any of the others now

    Girls names dis seem to be a bit easier as far as coming up with a few, though!!

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    TortoiseNotTheHare  (18-07-2016)

  8. #295
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    They are both too cute @almai

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    @almai they are both so adorable! Noah looks like a proud big brother!

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    I third a parents/mothers group! I was reluctant to join our mothers group the MCHN recommended because I'm so shy and really feel socially awkward most of the time but it's been such a godsend. It's helped me get out of the house and it's good to know that what you're going through other people are going through too.

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    Boxergirl  (18-07-2016)

  12. #298
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    Have to make this quick because I'm at work but @almai they are gorgeous!!!! Such beautiful babies the two of you have made!
    @TandR I'll come back and reply a bit more to your post because there was a lot in there that was interesting! Thank you for sharing... It will definitely help DW to prepare for some of those changes in our relationship because you kind of just assume that things will continue to stay the same in that regard but yes now that you say it, it makes sense that relationships can be impacted with such a big change.
    @Chekry thank you for the insights into the feeding and how stressful it can be to see bub losing weight at each midwife visit. Definitely helpful when we are looking at breastfeeding as well. Things for us to consider and remember!!
    @Boxergirl... Waiting for you to share lol. PM me?

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    TandR  (18-07-2016)

  14. #299
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chekry View Post
    I third a parents/mothers group! I was reluctant to join our mothers group the MCHN recommended because I'm so shy and really feel socially awkward most of the time but it's been such a godsend. It's helped me get out of the house and it's good to know that what you're going through other people are going through too.
    I love the thought of a group, but I do definitely worry about being the only same sex parents in the village type thing! I'm sure we would be welcomed fine, but it's a worry at the back of my mind. I gather you haven't had any issues?

  15. #300
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    @TNTh we like Hudson for a boy and Tully for a girl. Understand they might not be most people's cup of tea though

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    almai  (18-07-2016)


 

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