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  1. #1
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    Default Being exhausted & not connecting with my husband

    My husband & I have been together forever, each others one and only. We have always got along & had heaps in common. Lately I'm feeling a shift in the relationship. For almost 10 years I have been the breadwinner in our household, due to DH having anxiety issues & a disability. Just lately I go to work, I come home & I find myself wanting to be alone. He offers to drive me to work some days & I would rather just drive on my own. Once I get home I go straight to the shower & by the time I get out he is playing video games, which I am so sick of hearing so I just go to the bedroom & go on the internet. If we do sit down & talk, say at dinner, he ends up on these rants which I just zone out of, my brain is too fried from work to even keep up with what he is saying. We even seem to be annoyed by each others choice in tv, music & hobbies.

    I told him today that we are just opposites at the moment. I have not been well & I work 5 days a week in a very demanding job, I come home wanting to relax. But he is someone who most of the time has had no human interaction all day & wants mental stimulation (not to mention the physical) when I get home. He told me that when I do have days off I do insignificant things like vacuuming, a load of washing & cook dinner. Insignificant as I don't have to do them, which I can only assume he is trying to say makes him feel inadequate, yet I get the sense it is expected of me. But I do feel he could do more to help me out sometimes. He won't do groceries or visit family on his own, we HAVE to do them together (preferably I just do it on my own) & it's just exhausting to me. Sometimes I think a relationship is just so much hard work I would rather be single.

    Has anyone felt like this before? We have been together for 16 years and I love him to death-I would never look elsewhere. We still have good days but I just feel like lately we are opposites and worry about bringing a future child into the situation if in fact it made it worse.

  2. #2
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    I assume you are in a carers role as he has anxiety, a disability and is at home. (Correct me if I am wrong). Are you getting out at all outside of work? I know it's a very hard role as a carer and 56% of carers have depression in comparison to 6% of the general population. Is your partner accessing respite, online anxiety support etc etc? It would be really disheartening if he wasn't willing to work towards recovery whereas you are the support role.

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    No I'm not a carer. His disability is minor but it definitely limits his work choices. The anxiety on the other hand gets pretty bad (I believe he has agoraphobia but he won't see a dr about it). I do basically have to be with him for him to do most things outside the home. Maybe once a fortnight he will push himself get some petrol or buy himself lunch on his own but he really just prefers to live not acknowledging the anxiety. There's no way he could answer to centrelink so we just live on my wage which is just a retail managers wage, nothing great and that can be stressful and depressing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by poochella View Post
    No I'm not a carer. His disability is minor but it definitely limits his work choices. The anxiety on the other hand gets pretty bad (I believe he has agoraphobia but he won't see a dr about it). I do basically have to be with him for him to do most things outside the home. Maybe once a fortnight he will push himself get some petrol or buy himself lunch on his own but he really just prefers to live not acknowledging the anxiety. There's no way he could answer to centrelink so we just live on my wage which is just a retail managers wage, nothing great and that can be stressful and depressing.
    What would he be willing to do? There is some online anxiety programs, anxiety counselling over the phone etc. It's important to get some help as you can not live like this forever. Something will give. If you google DASS 21 you can download a self assessment. Do it with him and discuss the results. It may help to tell him you are concerned about his 'stress' which is less confrontational. The DASS assesses stress, anxiety and depression. It may be a good point to start from.

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    poochella  (23-06-2014)

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    Oh hun, that's really unfair. So you're basically his lover, carer, breadwinner, personal shopper, counsellor, bank, and connection to the outside world. What about YOUR needs?

    I'm sorry but I think he really needs to stop depending on you so much and get some help. You can't be expected to do it all. Whatever would he do without you?!

    You must be feeling under so much pressure.

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    Wow, you poor thing.
    I think you just need to tell him he will be seeing a doctor, no ifs or buts. He needs to do something.
    How does he think he will cope with a child if he can barely function in the real world?

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    I feel for you. I don't have any suggestions other than online shopping.

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    hugs xx I can see how it's frustrating

    I think he really needs to step it up - I think it's harder for men to address anxiety issues but it can be done and should be a priority if it's hurting a relationship. I have anxiety and was very agoraphobic but I also am the stay at home parent and know my responsibilities around the house. I picked my butt up!

    how would he respond to a list of things to do, to help you out? baby steps... if he can see how much you're stressing, it might make him step it up?

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    poochella  (23-06-2014)

  11. #9
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    Thanks for the responses ladies. After writing that I felt I had the words to talk to him about it. At first he argued a bit, then he admitted he had been selfish lately. We both agreed to try to meet in the middle more. Afterwards he actually got really upset with guilt, but at least I can see he cares, men are really hard to get through to! Thanks for all the links and suggestions to help diagnose his anxiety, I will definitely look into those.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Acadaca View Post
    I feel for you. I don't have any suggestions other than online shopping.
    At first I thought you were being funny (that the pp should go on a shopping spree online),
    Then realised you meant maybe the hubby could do grocery shopping online- which is a great idea!! 😊


    DH (34) Me (30)
    DS1 (8) * DS2 (4)
    ❤️ My Family ❤️

    Egg donor 2012

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    MrsTugs  (24-06-2014)


 

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