So for years ive always felt something wasnt right in my head, I became aware of mental illness when I started knowing about my mother having anxiety disorders and depression when I turned 13.
Ive always been on edge, seeming as though im depressed or miserable some of the time and then ill be happy not long after like nothing happened. The smallest things have always irritated me and I cant control my anger most of the time and I absolutely have to be by myself or ill just snap, which is kind of hard when you have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. I find myself yelling at my 2 year old a lot when I really dont mean it, I feel like such a bad mother after I do it and I tell myself I will never raise my voice like that again but within the next couple of hours im doing it again and I always think the same thing. I have days when I feel really depressed and hate my life then ill have days where I feel so confident in myself like im going to achieve everything i want in a day. My partner is continuously getting annoyed at me for my mood changes, even though I cry on his shoulder often telling him im sorry and that I dont mean it and cant help it no matter how hard I try. He tries to understand but it just shoots over his head sometimes when I explain how I feel. My partner was a sufferer of depression before we met and he has a mild type of bipolar disorder and he always tells me to go get a mental health check. He tells my mum a lot of stuff that I say to him regarding how I feel, only because she worries about me and I have never opened up to anyone in my family.
Last night I was looking for answers online, so I took an online mental health test (it states its just an assumption from the answers ive given and to seek the advice of a doctor about my results). It said that there is a high possibility I have bipolar disorder and depression. I was so shocked and just didnt want to believe it. I told my partner and he is pushing me to go see a doctor about it so I can get a proper analysis. The problem is I dont want to go because i dont want to be told ive got a mental illness, but I know I should for peace of mind?
I feel so weird about all this as not once did it occur to me that I might have a mental illness and to think ive been dealing with it for years by myself wondering why im like this is just too much for me to take in. Why didnt I do this sooner? I feel like ive let myself down if that makes sense?
Does anyone know what steps I should take to do this? Im so scared, nervous, ashamed that I have to do this.
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