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  1. #1
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    Default Does anybody have a friend who just takes takes takes?

    I have what I would consider a close friend who seems to just be a taker in our friendship!

    We invited them to our wedding which was a 4 course meal and open bar. My friend asked what people were doing for gifts and knowing that money could be tight for them at times I said there's no need to get anything. So that is what she did, but did not even bother with a card either!

    We moved interstate and before we left I asked her if she would like my daughter's uniforms for her DD who was starting kindergarten the following year. there would have been at least $500-600 worth of clothes in the bag I gave her. And they were in awesome condition as we had only used them for a year and some items were bought before we knew we were moving so were only 1-2 months old. She barely showed any gratefulness.

    Before meeting at the park I would go to woolies to buy some picnic snacks and always buy a set for her DD's as well. Again, barely a thank you.

    This one hurt the most. We were having a dinner farewell with family and friends. I invited her, her husband and their 3 children. She said she couldn't afford it so I said I would pay for her. I also invited another friend of ours. So that night I ended up paying for 3 extra adults and 6 kids, our other friend assumed I was paying for her too. They went to buy drinks for their kids and came back with 2 jugs and enough glasses for their 6 kids, and none for mine! Dinner cost a fortune and they couldn't even get my kids a drink??

    We live interstate now but still talk regularly and will be spending quite a bit of time with them when we visit family in a few months time. Our children are all the same age and get along so well. Which is perhaps a reason why I continue to pursue the friendship, i don't know.

    Am I in the minority here or do you know someone else like this?

  2. #2
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    Yeah, i have a friend like that, its fun hey? In the end i just stopped. I would not buy extras for her kids, only my own etc. If she couldnt afford to do what we were doing, i would arrange a playdate at the park etc. She got a bit put off i could tell but it is not like she could say anything.

    You are not financially responsible for her.

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  4. #3
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    She doesn't sound like the best friend. But to offer another perspective, you did tell her not to give you anything for the wedding, she may have felt weird just giving a card (I would have). You offered to pay for her dinner and give her the clothes and buy the snacks of your own accord. She still should have shown more thanks for the clothes and offering others drinks at the dinner, so yes she sounds a bit self centred.

    But if you feel she's a taker, then why continue offering to pay for things? She probably thinks you are being a nice person and doesn't even realise that despite giving her stuff, you resent it.

    I hope that didn't come across judgy . I can see both sides though. If she knew your feelings she may feel you are kind of setting her up, offering, then complaining about it later YKWIM? I wouldn't be paying for anything else.

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  6. #4
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    That would really annoy me too. I wouldn't necessarily cut ties over it but just stop paying for stuff. That's it. If it's the only issue then just stop being so generous. Shame you have to.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    She doesn't sound like the best friend. But to offer another perspective, you did tell her not to give you anything for the wedding, she may have felt weird just giving a card (I would have). You offered to pay for her dinner and give her the clothes and buy the snacks of your own accord. She still should have shown more thanks for the clothes and offering others drinks at the dinner, so yes she sounds a bit self centred.

    But if you feel she's a taker, then why continue offering to pay for things? She probably thinks you are being a nice person and doesn't even realise that despite giving her stuff, you resent it.

    I hope that didn't come across judgy . I can see both sides though. If she knew your feelings she may feel you are kind of setting her up, offering, then complaining about it later YKWIM? I wouldn't be paying for anything else.
    I guess I don't notice when it's happening at the time but then when I stop and think about things it's the accumulation of everything and that's when it bothers me. But now that I am so conscious of it it will be definitely be stopping.

    Yes I offered to pay for her dinner but then to go and buy her kids and our other friends kids a drink but not mine?

    I wouldn't do these things so I find it a bit upsetting that other people would.

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    It sounds to me like she had cottoned on to the fact that you're very generous. Perhaps she perceives you as being financially well off..hence the lack of attempts to buy your kids drinks, thank you's etc.

    The conduct at your wedding screams cheap and nasty. We had people attend our wedding who weren't well off at all but still made the effort with a lovely card and small gift, something handmade or something sentimental for our home. You don't need to spend lots of cash on a gift to be considered thoughtful. It's the mere action of showing gratitude through making even the smallest contribution to the new couples life together.

    You can go two ways. Cut her off completely if you find the friendship has soured and you honestly think you are better off without her in your life.

    Or

    Curb her off financially. Catch up with her as you would but stop offering/buying things for her kids. Just make plans to do things that are free or very cheap and do not bring anything. Don't make a fuss, just set the tone so she stops expecting anything from you in future.

    There's nothing wrong with being the generous person in a friendship, but a lack gratitude and appreciation from the receiver is a telling sign of someone who may be selfish or a little resentful.

  10. #7
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Do you think she might be embarrassed and therefore not wanting to make a fuss with her reactions/thanks? As in, just a conservative show of gratitude, even though she's actually really feeling a bit ashamed at you having to always pay her way or do her these favours? Just a thought as I really don't know why she wouldn't be showing her appreciation?
    As an aside, I don't understand how anyone could bring their whole family to a dinner and willingly have someone else pay! I couldn't do it, I'm actually cringing just thinking about it.

    You sound like a very caring and generous friend, I hope she really isn't taking advantage and maybe just really struggles to show how much it means to her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thepouts View Post
    I guess I don't notice when it's happening at the time but then when I stop and think about things it's the accumulation of everything and that's when it bothers me. But now that I am so conscious of it it will be definitely be stopping.

    Yes I offered to pay for her dinner but then to go and buy her kids and our other friends kids a drink but not mine?

    I wouldn't do these things so I find it a bit upsetting that other people would.
    Oh I agree it was rude for her not to buy everyone drinks, that would have annoyed me, but I would never have offered to pay for her to begin with. From her POV, jugs of drink for 3 families would have come to $30+, and since she was too broke to pay for her dinner, she was probably too broke to pay for lot of people's drinks as well.

    You sound like a really good friend But I get the sense she isn't deliberately doing this and she is taking your kindness at face value - that when you offer something, you mean to help. I'm not siding with her. Just saying if you feel resentful it's time to stop offering to pay for things and giving her stuff.

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  13. #9
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    hi thepouts. there are a lot of people who will take and not even be aware that the relationship is so one sided. I would make sure you don't let the friendship cost you more than she is willing to contribute. Since you will be seeing less of them, make new ground rules for yourself. Tell her what you plan to do, a picnic in the park with everyone bringing their own food and drinks, or dinner where everyone pays their share. just make sure that she knows that she will be paying and I would not offer any more free things to her. Marie.

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    I agree with delirium, she's probably not doing it deliberately to be ungrateful and selfish. We often pay for other people in our family, or our friends, if we know they don't have the cash and we do. Some of them will make a big fuss of thanking us, others wont. It doesn't bother me either way, if it did, I'd stop offering to pay. There's quite a few people I know that just don't really know what to say or how to react when faced with generosity, so they just say nothing. It seems weird to me too, because if anyone does anything for me, I am one of the "over the top, thank you so much" people, but not everyone is like that.

    In saying that though, I do remember when I was in a position for several years where I was pretty broke. People paid for things for me and I remember feeling extremely grateful, but very embarrassed that I couldn't pay my own way or reciprocate. I think I was probably guilty of just a mumbled "thanks" at the most at those times.

    Some people also just see things a little differently. She might just think you're the type that likes to be generous and just lets you do it. You told her not to buy a present for your wedding, so she didn't. You bring the snacks etc and offer to pay for dinner, she probably thinks you are more than happy to and it doesn't bother you. Have you ever said "hey, do you want to grab the snacks this time for the park catch up?" maybe give that a try and see what she says. You might find she is happy to, but just hadn't thought of it.

    I would honestly just stop doing what you're doing if it bothers you. If she can't afford to come out for dinner, don't feel obligated to pay for her. Don't expect her to reciprocate with the same generosity, because she either can't (and if so, she probably feels bad) or just doesn't see it the same way as you. Your friend might be a bit of a "taker" but she's only able to do that while you continue to be the "giver".

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