Sorry to vent here but I just need to get it out, I have been crying for the last hour while the kids sleep because I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
I went to a friends house for this morning tea thing with a few friends that have kids around the same age and well I just left feeling a bit poo. We may as well have called it let's see who can boast about their fancy lives the most.
I have 3 boys 2.5 and 1.5 twins. They were great for the most part but of course I spent all my time chasing them around making sure they didn't break anything, hit anyone, bite anyone or do anything wrong.
I had nothing to talk to anyone about because all I do is stay home with my kids all day. I might occasionally go to the supermarket but mostly DH picks up what we need on his way home from work (I really only go when he couldn't be bothered stopping on his way home and the boys are all asleep).
Leaving the house is to hard and after today I just feel like it's more trouble than it's even worth.
What I did hear of conversations was how wonderful their kids are and the things they are doing and saying and how great they are at sleeping. How wonderful their houses are and how they are going to move to bigger houses.
My kids aren't perfect, in fact most of the time they are screaming, crying and fighting with each other. My eldest hardly talks and now he's biting. The middle (well first born twin makes him the middle) takes everything everyone else has because he has to have it and it's the end of the world if he doesn't get to have it too. And the youngest screams when I leave the room and doesn't really like people. I feel like a failure as a mother on a daily (who am I kidding, I really mean hourly) basis. And I yell so much more than I ever wanted to as a mother so of course I feel horrible after I do because I am not giving the best of myself to them. They probably just think I am the crazy woman that hangs around the house.
They don't sleep through the night and I am tired! I just want to sleep for more then 3 hours at a time. I want a whole night of uninterrupted sleep, maybe then I wouldn't be a screaming banshie ( maybe). My eldest wakes in the middle of the night for a few hours and he just has to wake me as well and I'm not allowed to go back to sleep. He doesn't want his father... EVER! And one of these friends that I seen today said that she would sort them out... Seriously I wanted to scream and cry right then, as if I have not tried to get them to sleep through the night. So to her I wish I had said thanks for making me feel like less of a mother than you because my kids are not like your one perfect little child that never cries and does nothing wrong and sleeps for 14hours straight. And has 3 hour naps in the middle of the day as well.
I still give the youngest a bottle in the middle of the night because I can't be bothered dealing with the screaming that he wants one.
We spend to much time watching abc 2 because I'd never get the house cleaned if we didn't and honestly the house isn't really that clean. Well it's clean, I'm not a pig, but it's untidy.
And then there's food. 1 eats great the other 2 hardly eat anything. Another reason to feel like a failure, I can't even get them to eat a piece of bread some times. I mean they do eat, they wish they could only eat cookies and sweets but of course I try to be a good mum and don't give them much of that. But that results in more screaming and I feel like a crap mum again because I have ruined their life (I'm sure that's what they would say if they could).
I feel like since having kids people don't come around .. At all.. I actually feel like a leaper or something, maybe I just smell coz sometimes I don't get out of my pjs for days at a time. But everyone said before we had kids that we would have so many visitors and that never happened. I prepared for it. I stocked up on bickies and coffee and tea and they were waisted coz no one came (though my MIL came over for a couple of weeks when we had our first and I would have rather not be there too while she was there).
Everyone is building or buying new houses and we can't even afford to move out of our tiny little house that has no room. 5 people in a 1.5 bedroom house, thankfully 3 of them are small people. People tell me to move but we can't afford to. We have no spare money, we have nothing in savings and we can't even save bond anyway. We made stupid money decision and now we are paying for it.
I should go back to work to make some more money but I don't really want to. I want to be at home with the kids, may mum went straight back to work and I wish she had stayed home with me. I'd rather not be yelling of course. But I don't want someone else getting all the good times that we do have (we do have them it's not all screaming, there are laughs and fun times too). I'm not saying there is anything wrong with mothers that do go back to work. I don't know how they juggle it all, I think they are amazing how they do it all. It's just not what we ever planned. I will go back to work when they go to school but for right now I want to be home with them, I guess I just had a fairy tail idea of how it would be.
But my point was that they have new houses and houses they they are doing up or building and it makes me feel miserable in my little tiny house that we are squished into.
I know I shouldn't be feeling like this It could be so much worse, at least we have a roof over our head, food on the table and clean clothes to wear but I just felt like today listening to them that I am sucking at life and it made me feel sorry for myself
Anyway thanks for the space to vent. I smell a poop so I better go change a nappy.