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  1. #21
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    If your husband has developed feelings for her you may need to end the friendship sorry.

    Sounds very similar to a situation we had with my best friend years ago, they became good friends which developed into DH having a crush on her (he denied it but I knew) and even though she wasn't "encouraging" it the fact she never a) told him to back off and b) stop texting my DH led to him thinking he was in with a shot. He attempted to leave me for her (he was rejected lol!). This whole situation could of been avoided if she was a true friend to me and just stopped being overly friendly to him.

    Needless to say we sorted it out and my best friend is now an ex and no longer in the picture.

    ETA- Sorry just reread your OP and realised it's his friend. Still it doesn't matter- she needs to be cut off from your lives. She's not "encouraging" it but she's not telling him to back off either. It's time for her to go so you can work on your own relationship.

    Good luck OP xx
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 16-06-2014 at 13:01.

  2. #22
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    Yikes! I am not at all having a go at how other people dealt with similar situations or what they felt was right at the time - I was simply stating what happened in my own marriage and what we had to do to fix it, and part of that for us was me not going to the other woman but dealing with my own DH and his own issues and not involving her any further. If others feel they need to tell the other woman to back off, then go for it!

    I think it helps OP's situation that this other woman is not encouraging him at all - it may make it easier for her DH to see he is being foolish - she isn't even interested in anything yet he is sending her texts which suggests he is interested in her - hopefully it will wake him up but then again it may not.

    I don't even know what to say re "steering our husbands back on track" or "fixing straying husbands" - that's not what I am suggesting - I guess all I was trying to say was my DH was unwell, and he needed me, even though his behaviour was absolutely ****ty and very hurtful at the time, I could see past it and see what was really going on with him. This won't always be the case for everyone and this won't always work for everyone, but I was just trying to share what worked for us.

    OP I don't really know what else to say except its a ****ty situation. You know your DH and your relationship best. You'll know what you need to do.

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  4. #23
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    I agree in that he definitely has a crush on/feelings for her. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to find someone else attractive - for instance I found my old boss insanely attractive and had such a school girl crush on him. The difference was I was never anything but professional in my dealings with him, and I told DH as much. I don't think I'd be offended/hurt if when I put it to him the first time that he just admitted that yes he finds her attractive (she is!), but is committed to me and has no interest in her in 'that' way. But for him to admit it now I'd feel like he's been 'hiding' it from me for all these years.

    I hope I don't sound like I'm justifying his behaviour, because that's not my intention. But he isn't in constant contact with her. They'll catch up via text or fb maybe once every 3-4 months or so.

    I totally agree that it's not only disrespectful to our relationship, but hers too. And I've told him as much when I've spoken to him about it.

  5. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I bawk at the whole 'you need to steer him on course' thing. I know that people aren't actually meaning this, but it kind of puts the onus onto the OP to somehow fix her husband or be responsible for changing his behaviour.

    I think as women we tend to make excuses for our husband's behaviour bc it makes it easier to stay. But I feel we really need to remember there should be no excuses. A vast majority of men who have a wife flirting with other guys and sharing with them how unhappy she was in the marriage, would not only be very angry, but wouldn't even think "she did this bc she's stressed". They would just think the behaviour was unacceptable.... which it is. Yet we, as women do this all the time.
    This.

    I had a similar but opposite issue with my DH before we were married. He had a friend (who he had once slept with before he met me too) that would text him all the time. I could tell that she trying to be secretive about it (never texting when she knew we were together, only sending personal messages on facebook and never doing anything publicly) and although HE thought their one drunken night a long time ago was just that, he was quite oblivious to the fact that she still had a 'thing' for him. She continuously kept trying to get him to come out for coffee with her, he kept saying no because he had plans with me. He wanted me to meet her so we could all be friends. When I did meet her she was very uncomfortable and actually told him that night she still had a crush on him! He told her that he was with me and wasn't interested.

    I spoke to him that night and let him know how their friendship made me feel. I told him it made me feel as though he was having an emotional affair, even though he wasn't doing anything to encourage it. He straight away said "Is that really how it makes you feel?" and I said "yes". He said "Well, if I'm going to upset anyone, it's certainly not going to be you, so I'll stop speaking to her altogether" and he did. The minute he knew it made me uncomfortable, he stopped doing it. (In a funny twist of events though, we are now friends with this girl, after she got herself a boyfriend and lost interest in my DH she and I became friends! I was certainly not threatened by her any more because my DH went out of his way to make sure I wouldn't be. Still to this day though, any and all contact from her comes to me. She would never text or call my DH direct).

    If he had not done that, I would have been extremely unimpressed. I shouldn't have to try and somehow "win him back", I shouldn't have to try and fix him so he doesn't have inappropriate relationships with other women. I have done it for him too - he told me a friendship I had with a man made him uncomfortable due to the amount of contact he had with me, I backed it right off. We are each others first priority. Neither of us would ever think some friendship with someone else is worth more than the happiness of our spouse. Boundaries need to be set and both parties need to abide by them.

    I agree with other posters that the other woman probably feels quite uncomfortable about it too if she isn't encouraging him. Women are much better than men at realising when someone's flirting and being inappropriate (probably because we've had more practice fobbing men off at bars LOL) which means, he's making a fool of himself.

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  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearlygirl View Post
    Yikes! I am not at all having a go at how other people dealt with similar situations or what they felt was right at the time - I was simply stating what happened in my own marriage and what we had to do to fix it, and part of that for us was me not going to the other woman but dealing with my own DH and his own issues and not involving her any further. If others feel they need to tell the other woman to back off, then go for it!

    I think it helps OP's situation that this other woman is not encouraging him at all - it may make it easier for her DH to see he is being foolish - she isn't even interested in anything yet he is sending her texts which suggests he is interested in her - hopefully it will wake him up but then again it may not.

    I don't even know what to say re "steering our husbands back on track" or "fixing straying husbands" - that's not what I am suggesting - I guess all I was trying to say was my DH was unwell, and he needed me, even though his behaviour was absolutely ****ty and very hurtful at the time, I could see past it and see what was really going on with him. This won't always be the case for everyone and this won't always work for everyone, but I was just trying to share what worked for us.

    OP I don't really know what else to say except its a ****ty situation. You know your DH and your relationship best. You'll know what you need to do.
    I don't think anyone was having a go at you in particular @Pearlygirl just at the all too often mentality that men can't help themselves, they need help to stay on course in a relationship and we as women need to excuse the behaviour and 'help them'. That's how I read it anyway

    There's always exceptions to the rule, and every situation is different.

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  9. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    I don't think anyone was having a go at you in particular @Pearlygirl just at the all too often mentality that men can't help themselves, they need help to stay on course in a relationship and we as women need to excuse the behaviour and 'help them'. That's how I read it anyway

    There's always exceptions to the rule, and every situation is different.
    Yep it was more of a general comment. We often, IMO make too many excuses for our partner's behaviour and as a society we put the responsibility onto the woman to change/put up with/forgive him. This in turn, reinforces to men they can dish out whatever they want and women will try to excuse their behaviour to stay in the relationship.

    Someone I know is just like this. For years has made constant excuses for her husband, "he's a man", "it's not his fault" etc etc. And his treatment has gotten progressively worse over the years bc she puts up with it and excuses his behaviour. I'm not saying for a second she deserves it, quite the opposite. But unintentionally she is reinforcing the cycle.

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  11. #27
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    I had a similar situation not long ago but in my case it was my friend (now ex-friend) who developed feelings for my DH. I really don't have any advice on getting your DH to hear you when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable because my DH cut ties with this girl as soon as he saw my point but I do agree you should maybe talk to your husbands friend about this as like others have said my guess is it makes her feel uncomfortable, however I would make it known to your DH that you intend on speaking to her because if he finds out from her it could make the situation worse.

  12. #28
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    Maybe my wording was off, but if you knew me IRL you'd know I don't put up with no bull**** from anyone!

    I certainly wouldn't have continued putting up with DH's ****, he had one opportunity to sort himself out (yes, it was with my help) and that was it. If he didn't come to the party that was it for me, he also knows me and knew I wouldn't have a bar of it, so he had to pull up his socks and be a grown up and sort his head out.

    In this case there was no outrageous flirting going on, it was the subject matter (relationship "problems" and her "advice,") and level of contact (many times a day and at inappropriate times usually initiated by her) that made me uncomfortable. reading inbetween the lines of this woman's texts it was obvious what game she was playing (not obvious to DH, hence why he didn't think anything was wrong with this friendship in the first place). If there were flirty/suggestive texts going back and forth my reaction would have been different I think.

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  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearlygirl View Post
    reading inbetween the lines of this woman's texts it was obvious what game she was playing (not obvious to DH, hence why he didn't think anything was wrong with this friendship in the first place).
    It's quite amazing how many guys just don't pick up on the subtlety of women flirting or trying to cause trouble in a relationship isn't it? I often joke to my DH that a woman would literally have to strip her clothes off in front of him and say "take me!" before he'd think "hang on....is she flirting with me??" LOL

    That was the same reason I was uncomfortable with my DH's relationship with this woman. I know how women work! I never doubted for one moment that he would stay faithful to me, it was more that she would try and cause trouble. It's very easy for other women to act like the "fantasy girl" and intimate that if they were the girlfriend they would be so much better/cooler/let him do anything he wants, because they never actually have to prove it. In reality, they would act exactly like his wife.

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  16. #30
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    Apologies if I've missed this, but just curious to know if this lady's husband is aware of your husbands pet names for his wife?

    Any reason you haven't confronted this woman directly, letting her know 'woman to woman' that she is a little 'too close for comfort?'

    And why on gods earth would DH think that it's appropriate to discuss your marital problems with another woman?

    You're a better woman than me OP, I would have chased DH down the road with a stick.

    Three in the bed is too many!
    Last edited by Butterfly39; 16-06-2014 at 19:00.


 

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