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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Help please - dad not coping

    Hope this is ok to post here but I really need some advice as my partner is not coping.

    We have a 3.5yo boy and a 9 week old girl and everything is going down hill.

    My partner is constantly stressed and angry. He is going for a promotion at work which is great but is stressing him out.

    Our 3.5 yo is challenging but mostly a good kid, he has been acting out at daycare I think because we are fighting almost every night. My DP thinks he is just being a spoilt little sh*t.

    He claims to not be sleeping and its not from the baby as we are sleeping in the lounge at the other end of the house. He is stressing.

    I don't know how to help any more, I have taken on all cleaning, cooking and organising of things for our kids and generally try to make things as stress free as possible.

    We also have a mortgage and need to do work on the house which again takes up time and stresses him out.

    He has started shouting at me and no 3.5yo is asking why he is grumpy with me a lot.

    He never used to be like this and I want to help him feel better about things but I just feel like kicking him out.

    (Last night was particularily bad - for the first time I over ruled him in disciplining our son. wasn't in front of son and I felt it was a wrong action for him to take and knew it would impact heavily on me which it did. (baby who has just been sleeping through for first two nights was so stressed from the tantrums and screaming she was up half the night and is near impossible to settle today, I am dealing with this alone))

    Sorry for the long post but I really need some help before our relationship ends as its pretty much on its last legs

    Thank you

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    I don't know your situation but it does sound like he is a bit of a bully towards you and the kids. All couples argue and have their ups and downs but if you're constantly walking on eggshells just to keep him happy (at yours and your children's expense) I would say that's very unhealthy and can only lead to resentment.

  3. #3
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    Wow. That sounds so tough. Are *you* coping? To be honest this reads a little as though you aren't.

    In every relationship you can only put in your 50%. It certainly sounds like you can't put in any more than what you are!

    Here were my first thoughts on reading this. None of them are very helpful, I'm afraid.

    It's possible your DS is being a little sh!t. He's allowed to be. He's a toddler. Your partner is the adult. He needs to act like it. If he can't, and your children are being affected negatively, then perhaps he should find somewhere to stay temporarily until he sorts out his work issues. You are already doing everything at home, so there won't be much difference except for perhaps a more peaceful and relaxed energy.

    Do you believe that things will settle down if your partner gets his promotion? Or is this the stress level you can now expect due to his work? Are you ok with this? Or is this stress short term? Are you sure about that? Is it something you can endure for log term gain?

    You can't 'fix' your partner. You can tell him how you're feeling. You can ask for things to change. But ultimately that is all in his court. You can gently suggest counselling, or couples counselling, but he needs to take that on for himself. It's like trying to force someone to quit smoking - it won't work until they make the decision for themself.

    You can make decisions for yourself, though. If you have time or money to, I would suggest seeing a counsellor for yourself. This will help clarify your thinking and your counsellor should validate your feelings in a way that perhaps your partner is not.

    It's lovely that you want to help your partner. But I would gently suggest you focus on you and your children first, as he does not seem open to your help.

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    This has only just started and we have been together for 10 years in Nov. But feel he resents me I don't drive and he hates that, along with the second baby, both our kids happened whilst taking the pill.

    He used to be a funny, relaxed playful dad and really affectionate with me. Now we are lucky to cuddle on the couch during a movie or a kiss goodnight (which feels like he is trying to break a speed record as it gets faster and more like a peck)

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    Is it possible that your husband has PND? Fathers can also develop PND, I think you should focus on getting to the bottom of his issues and then go from there.

    Have you sat down and had a conversation with him about how he is feeling and what is causing him to act this way?

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    wktz  (15-06-2014)

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    Because you have been together so long and this is untypical behaviour I would probably try a more gentle approach.

    Has he got a good male friend you trust?

    If so, have a quiet word with the mate about your concerns about your hubby. Don't tell him everything that you've written here though. Just the bits about how he is stressed etc. and you are a bit worried.

    Then send him away for a night or weekend with the mate and let them talk it through.

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    Quote Originally Posted by baby4us View Post
    Because you have been together so long and this is untypical behaviour I would probably try a more gentle approach.

    Has he got a good male friend you trust?

    If so, have a quiet word with the mate about your concerns about your hubby. Don't tell him everything that you've written here though. Just the bits about how he is stressed etc. and you are a bit worried.

    Then send him away for a night or weekend with the mate and let them talk it through.
    I second this. My DH went through a rough time at work & was very stressed - snapped at me & ignored me the rest of the time. One of his mates messaged me & asked if he was ok as he hadn't been acting himself. I wrote him a big reply about it & my concerns. His mate then organised a catch up & they had some guy talk or something which helped so much. Got DH out of his rotten state of mind.


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    To be honest, my first thought when I read this was depression. It's hard having a newborn at the best of times, and perhaps your dp is feeling the pressure of finances or work on top of everything else.

    My dh has had depression in the past. The last two times he's had it its come on totally out of the blue, one week he's great with me, lovesme more than anything, cant live without me etc etc and the next he's suddenly talks about leaving because things are so crap between us and 'that's just the way it's always been'. Bullish!t. The last time I had an epiphany and realised what it was (it's been years, so it wasn't the first thing I thought of and I'd stopped being on guard looking for it to reappear). I suggested to him it might be depression (unknown to me one of his friends had been taking to him online the day before and said the same thing) so he thought about, realised I was right and went back to the gp for help. He's on a low dose antidepressant and is feeling much better.

    If your dp hasn't had depression in the past, maybe you could try to encourage him to go to the gp and talk to them about how he's feeling. If he's resistant to the idea of depression maybe you could get him to go for help with not sleeping (also a side effect of depression).

    Good luck, it's not an easy path to be on but there is help available and it does get better - especially if this is a one off / first time it's happened.

    PS there is absolutely no shame in having depression either, so many people will suffer from it at some stage in their lives so if that's what it is he is far from alone

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    I would also like to add that every time my dh has had depression, it's me who cops the brunt of it. I think it's because he's more comfortable with me and doesn't have to pretend everything is ok at home like he does at work,but he also feels miserable, doesn't know why and in his own head it becomes all my fault.

    My dh tends to keep things to himself and mull it over in his head so at least we don't have screaming or yelling. On the flip side though it means that I don't have any warning of things being wrong until they get pretty bad.

    Fortunately episodes have been few and far between because it does get rather tiresome,

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  13. #10
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    greengables is offline love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.. love never fails.
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    Look after yourself first and foremost. Thi smeans getting enough rest, and also not allowing your DH to speak meanly to you ever, no matter how tired or cross he is, it isn't OK to be treated badly so just don't put up with it. Also likewise he shouldn't have to put up with cranky bad-treatment from you either.

    SEcondly, make sure that your relationship is the main thing. Kids have a way of dividing and conquering - they are a big strain on relationships. Can you make some plans to get out once a week or once a fortnight without the kids? if you can't afford babysitting, arrange a swap with another mum - this was something i did before and was very good way when you can't afford it.

    I liked the advice from the other hubber about a man-friend for your DH to take him out on a 'man-date'. This is really really important, just tell him to go out, or arrage it for him with his mate. don't phone him while he is out.

    Things will get easier as your baby gets bigger. Try an be gentle with yourself and also with your DH.

    Once you focus on these things, I really think your little boys behaviour will settle down.

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    Rutabaga  (16-06-2014)


 

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