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  1. #51
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    Don't stress, it worked for you and your mum obviously knew what you say. Do you know what she actually said? I just think it would be easy to make a child feel intimidated, and as others have said it could cause trouble with the school. It's the kind of thing that has the potential to escalate. I'm sure things will get better for dd though, thank you

    Anyway I've just bought this book, it got good reviews on Amazon and is on sale atm (oh the money I can spend without even getting off the couch)
    http://www.bookdepository.com/Cool-C.../9781572246300

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    Cdro  (13-06-2014)

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    I wish I did know what she actually said. Unfortunately she isn't around any more for me to ask, so I have to take a leap of faith that it was something kind and sensible and not harsh and intimidating. But who knows - maybe she went on a rant like a complete nut!

    That looks like a great book and your DD is lucky that you care enough to buy it.

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    BettyW  (14-06-2014),Gothel  (14-06-2014)

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    How would I deal with a kid like this? With love.

    That child's mother told me this morning that when dd6 saw D arrive at that party, her face fell. She can't stand D.
    I find this incredibly sad. D is a child. That child's mother doesn't know D's story, how she is being raised, how she is finding her environment (obviously quite scary if she's attempting to "fight her corner").

    OP, I think you're doing the right thing by arming yourself with resources that will assist your child in dealing with situations such as this as it's going to get a lot worse in high school.

    However, as other posters have mentioned, this continued behaviour from D is not on - for her sake and your child's. The first priority of the school is to provide a safe environment for ALL children and I agree that it's not good enough that teachers have been spoken to but have failed to act convincingly. Girls often develop more sophisticated and subtle forms of indirect bullying by manipulating relationships, excluding/targeting classmates, spreading rumours, telling secrets, and threatening not to play if their demands are not met. To allow this behaviour to continue often allows cliques to form and more direct bullying to take place. And it's harder then to eradicate. This doesn't mean D is a bully.

    Talking is not enough. Write a letter outlining your concerns. When it's on paper it's harder to push aside. The school must implement strategies to stop this interference in your child's life as well as to assist D with making sense of her world because it sounds as though this child is really struggling. This ensures the environment that results is one that espouses respect and sends a very clear message that bullying is not acceptable or, more importantly, not tolerated. This also helps children to develop the social skills they need to deal effectively with bullying or unfortunate behaviour when it occurs and should it occur when there is no adult around. This doesn't mean isolating children like D. It means finding a way around their behaviour so as to be able to include them without getting hurt.

    Regarding the party, I recommend you read this really good story.
    Last edited by Mrs Tickle; 14-06-2014 at 01:02. Reason: spelling

  6. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothel View Post
    Anyway, I had a long chat with dd6 tonight. I think dd6 has a better handle on it than I have her credit for, she thinks D is mean and bossy, and she doesn't want any part of the meanness. And she thinks she has two friends in the group that feel the same. She's quite close with both of them, and they will both be at the party, so I feel a WHOLE lot better than I did this morning.

    & @BettyW we talked about why she might be so controlling, and we'll talk about it more. I'm off to Google assertiveness for kids. It's something I struggled with as a kid and I'm determined my kids will fare better
    that's great. a very proactive approach. Also google building resilience and bully proofing your child. Its the best gift you'll give your child... I work on these things with my 3 and 4 yr olds and they have great skills even at that age of dealing with nasty playground behaviour. best of luck xx

  7. #55
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    thanks @RipperRita, I will do that. I feel bad, I haven't spent a whole lot of time working on this stuff with dd6 (dd5 doesn't need it!) but we have been concentrating on other stuff. This issue keeps popping up though and I need to focus on it.

    I also spoke to my child psych friend and she had a great suggestion for a talking point. She talks with her kids about healthy and unhealthy friendships, and she goes through a list of the child's friends and gives them a red or a green light and then arms the children with strategies to set boundaries for the red light kids. I dunno if I'm happy to do the traffic light thing but I will talk to DD6 about "everyday friends and sometimes friends" (they talk in school about everyday foods and sometimes foods so she knows the concept).

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    Quote Originally Posted by bpac View Post
    Couldnt you just say something along the lines of "DD came home today and said that plans had changed for the Bday and you just wanted to double check?"

    I dunno, i would hate to leave DD at a party where she might feel uncomfortable. I think that if i call the mum and asked it would put her mind at ease. Thats just me tho, i am probably wrong!
    Asgg


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