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  1. #11
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    Cheese Please, I really really hope you'll start to feel a bit better soon. I can imagine it must be devastating to be told you cant have children when you really want to, and although I can't take that pain away from you and I most certainly don't want to trivialize it - I do want to say that I know many many people who don't have children. People in their 40's and 50's who couldn't or didn't particularly want to - and their lives are FAR from empty.

    I can imagine the grief that would come with being told something you feel is so important is just not going to happen, but having children does not define your life. I have more friends that don't have children than do (probably because I'm 35 years old and have only just started ttc now - I might end up being in the same boat as you, I don't know)

    Having children and grandchildren is not the be all and end all of life. So, incase you are wondering what people with no children get out of life, let me tell you what the people I know do instead:

    - They travel. They have usually been able to work more, in careers they love, therefore earning more money and so they travel the world.
    - They become the 'cool aunty' or friend. They're the ones the kids and teenagers feel they are able to talk to and are able to rely on to give them good advice
    - They work part time or do a job they really love that doesn't need to earn them a lot of money, they relax.
    - They become involved in community or other projects that they feel passionate about - and they can commit as much time to it as they like.
    - They are spontaneous - they don't need to organise baby sitters etc, so they do whatever they please, whenever they want, they accept invitations to do all sorts of fun things.
    - They study. They learn things and take on new courses for employment opportunities or just for the simple joy of learning something new.

    I know you love photography and road trips - maybe now could be a good time to get out there and go on a holiday. Is that possible for you at the moment?

    Is there a reason you need to stay where you are living if you're not enjoying being away from family and friends (and unable to get a job you love)? Is it a possibility that you could start thinking of a fresh change to move somewhere new?

    I know the initial grief must be hard to get past, and I can understand having children was your first choice of how you wanted your life to be, but maybe if you could start to open your eyes to a new type of life, one where you can fulfill other dreams you might have, you will see this isn't the end for you, it is just the beginning of something else.

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to HillDweller For This Useful Post:

    Cheese Please  (04-06-2014),Jontu  (05-06-2014),MilkingMaid  (04-06-2014),Stretched  (04-06-2014)

  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi cheeseplease, I don't know what to say. Grief is not a simple thing to deal with. I don't know if you can find something to take your focus away from what you don't have. some people find hope by getting involved in charity work. thinking of the aussie woman who started the orphanage in Cambodia. perhaps some time away from your small town, might open your eyes to what is out there. As for your friends moving on, that will happen regardless of your situation, nothing stays the same, and friendships always change and sometimes end. hugs Marie.

    Thanks Marie This is not the only town I've lived in - i do know that there's a lot more out there, and I think that's one of the reasons I feel so frustrated. I would love to do something like what you've described. Maybe that's a good option for me to work towards ...


    Quote Originally Posted by purpleflowers View Post
    Not sure of the in's and out's regarding you and not being able to have kids but have you tried to get a second opinion ..?


    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

    Thanks for your reply. Yes, we've seen several doctors and specialists. I know nothing is impossible, but jeez it's hard to remember that sometimes.


    Quote Originally Posted by CazHazKidz View Post
    wooooah hold on wait a minute!


    I am so so so sorry to hear your news, and it is certainly a lot to take in, and without a doubt must be devestating for you. Take your time to grieve those children that you can't conceive in the way that you would have hoped, and the way most get to do without thought or understanding of how lucky they are.


    But wait a minute, your journey is so very very far from over!!! You are 28 years old!!! Foster care, adoption, surrogacy - all very valid ways of starting your own family. This does not need to be over for you at all!


    But, if you choose that none of these things are for you, there are still so many many things you can do with your life, and so many goals to acheive. So many hugs for you xox

    Thank you so much for your reply, CazHazKidz. It made me seriously tear up. Your words mean a lot to me. You're lovely.


    Quote Originally Posted by Galea View Post
    @Cheese Please


    It may seem hopeless but there are always opportunities. I am 27.... we were told we would never have kids. We cant have kids naturally... I only have 35 chromosomes and my husband has a very low sperm count. We are trying icsi with genetic testing and blah blah blah but the reality is we may never have children.


    If you have looked at all the options available to you and still have decided there are no options then find something else you are passionate about until medicine catches up to you.


    I have struggled with this for a long time. Recently I started volunteering a lot and found that I love it.... maybe I throw myself into my new volunteering role too much because of the lack of children issue but for now it keeps me going.


    Good luck x

    Galea, I'm so sorry to hear of your fertility struggles, but also so grateful to hear from you your post made me feel a lot less alone, so thank you. I wish you so much luck in your TTC journey.


    Quote Originally Posted by MilkingMaid View Post
    It is a huge thing to take in I am sure.


    I just want to add that my favourite Aunty has no kids, but she still contributed an amazing amount to my life, and she loves my boys as well. She is an extremely valued member of the family.

    Thanks MilkingMaid. You brought a smile to my face. I do have nephews, and I love them to the moon and back. I hope one day they see me the way you see your Aunt.


    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post


    Are there plans or actions you can take in a positive direction here? Either to settle in where you are or a long term plan to be somewhere else?


    Also, I've had some great jobs (and bad ones!) but always had a niggling feeling of pointlessness about what I did. Chance saw me with an opportunity to work with children which led to me requalifying as a primary teacher. That void was filled, I felt at last like I was actually doing something worthwhile. Working with children might be a bit hard given your own struggle with childlessness, however there are other careers that give greater personal reward and it could be worth looking into a change or studying a course online.


    Finally, remember that we can't control everything. Focus on the parts of your life that you can change and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

    Thanks Stretched. You hit the nail on the head when you described the niggling pointlessness you felt about your previous jobs. That's exactly how I feel. I was actually half way through a teaching degree, but I left it when we found out about our infertility. You know, working with kids and all .... It's a bit raw. I've since considered transferring into social work or psychology. Maybe that's an option for me to find more meaning.


    Quote Originally Posted by squishie View Post
    Like milking maid, I also have an auntie who doesn't have children and she is an amazing woman who I and my sister love so much. Our family wouldn't be the same without her! If you have the desire for children, maybe fostering might be a way to contribute to the lives of children who need love?

    Thanks squishie, that does bring me some comfort. I have considered fostering, but the idea of giving them back (potentially to families I dont feel are giving them the best care) .... Well I don't know how I would cope with that. Still, it's an option.


    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    I'm sorry you feel this way. Have you considered a bit of counselling to assist you with your grief and where to go from here?

    Thanks sunnyflower sometimes I do think maybe I need some counselling. But on the other hand, I don't know how to even start telling a stranger who's never been there how it feels, you know? I don't know. I guess I'm afraid that if I go to counselling and tell someone, they will think I'm stupid or crazy or something and then I'll be worse off than before.


    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    Cheese Please, I really really hope you'll start to feel a bit better soon. I can imagine it must be devastating to be told you cant have children when you really want to, and although I can't take that pain away from you and I most certainly don't want to trivialize it - I do want to say that I know many many people who don't have children. People in their 40's and 50's who couldn't or didn't particularly want to - and their lives are FAR from empty.


    I can imagine the grief that would come with being told something you feel is so important is just not going to happen, but having children does not define your life. I have more friends that don't have children than do (probably because I'm 35 years old and have only just started ttc now - I might end up being in the same boat as you, I don't know)


    Having children and grandchildren is not the be all and end all of life. So, incase you are wondering what people with no children get out of life, let me tell you what the people I know do instead:


    - They travel. They have usually been able to work more, in careers they love, therefore earning more money and so they travel the world.
    - They become the 'cool aunty' or friend. They're the ones the kids and teenagers feel they are able to talk to and are able to rely on to give them good advice
    - They work part time or do a job they really love that doesn't need to earn them a lot of money, they relax.
    - They become involved in community or other projects that they feel passionate about - and they can commit as much time to it as they like.
    - They are spontaneous - they don't need to organise baby sitters etc, so they do whatever they please, whenever they want, they accept invitations to do all sorts of fun things.
    - They study. They learn things and take on new courses for employment opportunities or just for the simple joy of learning something new.


    I know you love photography and road trips - maybe now could be a good time to get out there and go on a holiday. Is that possible for you at the moment?


    Is there a reason you need to stay where you are living if you're not enjoying being away from family and friends (and unable to get a job you love)? Is it a possibility that you could start thinking of a fresh change to move somewhere new?


    I know the initial grief must be hard to get past, and I can understand having children was your first choice of how you wanted your life to be, but maybe if you could start to open your eyes to a new type of life, one where you can fulfill other dreams you might have, you will see this isn't the end for you, it is just the beginning of something else.

    oh Hilldweller, thank you so much for your post. We do have to live here for the time being due to my DHs work being here. Just sucks for me, that's all. I mentioned above that I've considered studying again, and I think maybe that's a good option for me to start with. I'm just terrified that what I've done every day for the last 10 years will be what I do every day until the day I die.


    I don't like how my life has panned out, but I feel powerless to change it. And I feel I have no energy to change it. On my days off I generally just sit on the couch all day long. My friends and family call and send messages and I ignore them because a) I don't want to burden them, b) I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore, and c) although I'm ashamed to admit it, their problems annoy me because they seem so ungrateful for what they have.


    I can feel myself slowly isolating myself from the outside world and I know it isn't healthy but I have no motivation to see anyone or do anything. It's just a never ending cycle.


    i do feel a bit better after reading all of your replies though - they have given me some inspiration and some positivity, so thanks so much for taking the time to reply

  4. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Cheese Please For This Useful Post:

    HillDweller  (05-06-2014),Phony  (04-06-2014),Stretched  (04-06-2014)

  5. #13
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    Please take yourself to a counsellor and talk about this all. You deserve to get your zest for life back xox

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    Quote Originally Posted by squishie View Post
    Please take yourself to a counsellor and talk about this all. You deserve to get your zest for life back xox
    I second this. During our 8 years ttc our counsellor was one of the key people to help us through our journey. They won't judge you, and can give you some ideas on working through the grief process.

  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheese Please View Post
    oh Hilldweller, thank you so much for your post. We do have to live here for the time being due to my DHs work being here. Just sucks for me, that's all. I mentioned above that I've considered studying again, and I think maybe that's a good option for me to start with. I'm just terrified that what I've done every day for the last 10 years will be what I do every day until the day I die.


    I don't like how my life has panned out, but I feel powerless to change it. And I feel I have no energy to change it. On my days off I generally just sit on the couch all day long. My friends and family call and send messages and I ignore them because a) I don't want to burden them, b) I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore, and c) although I'm ashamed to admit it, their problems annoy me because they seem so ungrateful for what they have.


    I can feel myself slowly isolating myself from the outside world and I know it isn't healthy but I have no motivation to see anyone or do anything. It's just a never ending cycle.


    i do feel a bit better after reading all of your replies though - they have given me some inspiration and some positivity, so thanks so much for taking the time to reply
    I'm so glad you're letting a little bit of positivity seep in

    You've just described depression to a tee - feeling powerless to change, no energy to change things, not wanting to interact with friends and family, feeling as though you're isolating yourself. All signs of depression. I know them all very well! I think it would be definitely helpful to see someone about it before it takes over you.

    Also, I remember when I was very depressed a few years ago - my marriage had fallen apart, I was 32 and couldn't see any way forward. It seemed like my life was over, I'd never meet anyone new and was destined to be dirt poor forever. A friend of mine was also depressed at that time - but from where I was sitting, her life was perfect. She had everything I wanted and there she was crying about how she was just not happy. I wanted to kill her. I thought she was the most ungrateful, selfish woman in the universe at that time. So, I know how you feel with that. It made no difference that I have suffered clinical depression before and know sometimes there's no reason for it or that I know peoples problems are relative to them and their experiences - I would have done anything to swap lives with her right then. It can be so hard to be around the people you're feeling that way towards, I know. I ended up telling her that I knew she was having a hard time and I felt sorry for her, but due to the way I was feeling in my own life, I wasn't the right person to help her. Don't be ashamed, it's quite normal to feel that way at a time like this. (Jeez, I feel that way when I go to third world countries and come back to watch people whinging that their steak is 'slightly overdone' in a restaurant or that their BMW's heated seats aren't working lol). Perspective is a interesting thing!

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  9. #16
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    Hi Cheese Please

    Im glad you're feeling a bit better. I wanted to reply yesterday but its hard when I'm on my phone.

    I just wanted to add that regards to seeing a counsellor that you feel may not understand how you're feeling I have a bit of experience with that. I am currently seeing someone to help me with our infertility issues. I was at first a little reluctant as he is a man but a good professional doesn't need to understand, they need to help you to understand things for yourself - their job is not really to empathise but to help you uncover different perspectives or ways forward to help you cope and get on with a fulfilled life. Many professionals who see clients would not have direct experience with all issues they work with.

    I think its the best thing I've done and if you are feeling like you are then in my mind it's a perfect way forward. You don't have to feel like this and you can do something about it.


 

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