Cheese Please, I really really hope you'll start to feel a bit better soon. I can imagine it must be devastating to be told you cant have children when you really want to, and although I can't take that pain away from you and I most certainly don't want to trivialize it - I do want to say that I know many many people who don't have children. People in their 40's and 50's who couldn't or didn't particularly want to - and their lives are FAR from empty.
I can imagine the grief that would come with being told something you feel is so important is just not going to happen, but having children does not define your life. I have more friends that don't have children than do (probably because I'm 35 years old and have only just started ttc now - I might end up being in the same boat as you, I don't know)
Having children and grandchildren is not the be all and end all of life. So, incase you are wondering what people with no children get out of life, let me tell you what the people I know do instead:
- They travel. They have usually been able to work more, in careers they love, therefore earning more money and so they travel the world.
- They become the 'cool aunty' or friend. They're the ones the kids and teenagers feel they are able to talk to and are able to rely on to give them good advice
- They work part time or do a job they really love that doesn't need to earn them a lot of money, they relax.
- They become involved in community or other projects that they feel passionate about - and they can commit as much time to it as they like.
- They are spontaneous - they don't need to organise baby sitters etc, so they do whatever they please, whenever they want, they accept invitations to do all sorts of fun things.
- They study. They learn things and take on new courses for employment opportunities or just for the simple joy of learning something new.
I know you love photography and road trips - maybe now could be a good time to get out there and go on a holiday. Is that possible for you at the moment?
Is there a reason you need to stay where you are living if you're not enjoying being away from family and friends (and unable to get a job you love)? Is it a possibility that you could start thinking of a fresh change to move somewhere new?
I know the initial grief must be hard to get past, and I can understand having children was your first choice of how you wanted your life to be, but maybe if you could start to open your eyes to a new type of life, one where you can fulfill other dreams you might have, you will see this isn't the end for you, it is just the beginning of something else.