Closed Thread
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 40
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by BlotchedTabby View Post
    I'm not sure banning him will work...I've tried similar before but he just doesnt seem to care! I feel like I'm too controling but then he readily give up control to me anyway. He just has no self-disipline when I'm not around but then has to lie about it. I've known for a year that we need to go to counciling but last year was just to crazy busy that I didn't get around to it. He even 'lied' about losing his job & didn't tell me for a month! It makes it hard to be supportive and to budget effectively. We certainly have trust issues because of it & then he gets frustrated when I don't believe him when he is telling the truth. :/

    Sent from my GT-I9305 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    So one pattern I ma getting from the ladies that have husbands that lie - is they're doing it out of shame. I am guessing my DH is maybe doing it for the same reasons.

    Still doesn't make it any easier does it. But I am glas to see somoene else has lashed out in the same helpless frustration as I have tonight. Well not glad you have been pushed to that point as well... but it helps me realise this might be a more common issue than i thought.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to Serenity Love For This Useful Post:

    AdornedWithCats  (29-05-2014)

  3. #22
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,997
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,895
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    In my experience, the best way to deal with liars is to not even give them the opportunity to lie. So when he came home tonight, you could have said 'I smelt the smoke on your clothes. I thought we agreed not to expose DS to second-hand smoke'. Now it's much more effort for him to come back and lie about that, and if you say it calmly then he has no reason to fear your anger and cite that as an excuse. Now, all of a sudden, tensions/blood pressure is down and you can likely talk about the real issue, which is the smoke around your DS, without it escalating. And, in that example, if he did try and say 'but I didn't/ but I only had one' etc., then you can still restate the facts - 'I smelt smoke on your clothes which is the issue here because of DS's asthma. Only you know whether it was from your cigarette smoke or not.' Trying to quit smoking is the absolute pits, without guilt being thrown on top of that as well. If you talk about your concerns for your DS rather than your frustration at the smoking (which then becomes more of a confrontational situation), then I would say he's less likely to lie about it.

    To answer your question, I think being punitive and dishing out consequences is inappropriate for a marriage, which is fundamentally meant to be an equal partnership. I do understand your anger and what led you to that, but I think it's a slippery slope. You could, however, be quite justified in saying you didn't want to sleep next to someone who smells like cigarettes because it's bad for your health etc.

  4. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    AdornedWithCats  (29-05-2014),Atlantic Puffin  (29-05-2014),atomicmama  (30-05-2014),ChickyBee  (29-05-2014),GrabbyCrabby  (30-05-2014),Serenity Love  (29-05-2014),Tattereds  (30-05-2014)

  5. #23
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Lili81 View Post
    sorry but yes I think you are being a little unreasonable and (very) controlling.

    Try and look at the big picture here.

    TBH if my husband was telling me what I can and can not do I would question our marriage. I try and treat my husband as I would my best friend.
    Would you treat you friend this way? Would you tell your best friend she is not allowed to meet her other friends?

    I understand he lies, but he might have to save himself from upsetting you and/or from a big fight. It's not good he is smoking but you won't make him stop that way.

    Good luck OP.
    After 10 years of begging and pleading with him to stop. I mean, for a while he even came good and when id ask him "have you smoked today? You stink like it!" he'd admit it - and then id say well, just make sure you're not cuddling DS with that all over you please... and then he'd go change his clothes. I have not given him any reason to feel he needs to save himself. He even admitted tonight when he lies I actually get angry then, not when he admits it. For some reason he has gone backwards and started lying about it again... which is really making me feel I am at my wits end.

    Im not trying to stop him smoking, I am trying to stop DS being exposed to second hand smoke. Im his mum i really do feel its my job to protect his health. I am reasonable about DH's smoking so he has the space to stop without me being demanding. But i refuse to be lenient with him doing it around DS or exposing DS with it. Not after the hospital trips we have had with DS.

    I don't know what else to do - tonight it seems i felt i needed to try a different tactic with him as everything else he just doesn't care about.

  6. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    In my experience, the best way to deal with liars is to not even give them the opportunity to lie. So when he came home tonight, you could have said 'I smelt the smoke on your clothes. I thought we agreed not to expose DS to second-hand smoke'. Now it's much more effort for him to come back and lie about that, and if you say it calmly then he has no reason to fear your anger and cite that as an excuse. Now, all of a sudden, tensions/blood pressure is down and you can likely talk about the real issue, which is the smoke around your DS, without it escalating. And, in that example, if he did try and say 'but I didn't/ but I only had one' etc., then you can still restate the facts - 'I smelt smoke on your clothes which is the issue here because of DS's asthma. Only you know whether it was from your cigarette smoke or not.' Trying to quit smoking is the absolute pits, without guilt being thrown on top of that as well. If you talk about your concerns for your DS rather than your frustration at the smoking (which then becomes more of a confrontational situation), then I would say he's less likely to lie about it.

    To answer your question, I think being punitive and dishing out consequences is inappropriate for a marriage, which is fundamentally meant to be an equal partnership. I do understand your anger and what led you to that, but I think it's a slippery slope. You could, however, be quite justified in saying you didn't want to sleep next to someone who smells like cigarettes because it's bad for your health etc.
    Ya know what, I have actually tried that tactic with him of not asking him but just mentioning i can smell it and am concerned with DS being around it, and he threw a tantrum telling me he hadn't smoked at all and he clearly had. So i did try to keep it about DS's health and suggested that he maybe changes his shirt then as i do smell smoke, and he stomped off to the bedroom to change like a spoiled brat!

    I guess though at least he changed, and that's technically the goal here. Not me being right, or whatever. But DS being healthy. You're right. I felt i maybe needed to change my mindset on this because i just can't cope with how it is right now.

  7. #25
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    The agreement was he was supposed to change his clothes as soon as he got home from smoking... and I was angry he didn't as i felt it was irresponsible and careless. But it could have been innocent and he just simply forgot.

  8. #26
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,997
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,895
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    Oh, I can completely understand your frustration! It must be so hard to feel like you have to fight for your son with his own father! But I would say that, yes, even if it hurts to bite your tongue so hard, then at least in your example when he stomped off and had a little sook, the outcome is still the best one for your son, and you avoided a nasty conflict? I don't know...tough one.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    Serenity Love  (29-05-2014)

  10. #27
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    Oh, I can completely understand your frustration! It must be so hard to feel like you have to fight for your son with his own father! But I would say that, yes, even if it hurts to bite your tongue so hard, then at least in your example when he stomped off and had a little sook, the outcome is still the best one for your son, and you avoided a nasty conflict? I don't know...tough one.
    Well i hate fighting in front of DS as well as it upsets him, so i guess yeah - avoiding the conflict and just leaving DH to sook and change his shirt really was the best outcome i could probably ask for when dealing with my DH lol.

    So with this mindset I have two positives: DH changes his shirt, and no fighting in front of DS. That really is the outcome that's most important.

    And also maybe I am taking his lying too personally, when its more about him feeling ashamed.. than not respecting me....

    Thanks love, awesome advice.

    Thank you to everyone that's posted here you have all helped me see things in a better way.

  11. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Serenity Love For This Useful Post:

    AdornedWithCats  (29-05-2014),harvs  (30-05-2014)

  12. #28
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Other side of the screen!
    Posts
    3,674
    Thanks
    872
    Thanked
    870
    Reviews
    17
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Blessed Be View Post
    Great advice by everyone, thank you all. strangely i feel better knowing im not alone ... sorry to admit that, it sucks others are dealing with this is very tough to deal with.

    I am so angry with him, because he lies like he did - and got me so upset then we fought, and that stole my time away fro my DS I was upset and in a angry mood and just wanted DS to bed and DH away from me.

    I feel embarrassed saying this, but every Monday DH heads out with his mates to hang out and because of his lie I have banned him from it. I know that sounds controlling. I really am a very lenient wife... he comes and goes, but now i feel like i need to show him once and for all there are consequence to him lying to me - and i told him if he's going to treat me like **** and lie, then im going to treat him like a child and ban him.

    I am using all of my power to not walk over to him and take it all back, tell him i forgive him, to stop lying... and leave it at that, but im not satisfied letting it go this time. I had a talk with him not long ago saying that if he has the odd smoke, then i cant control him but if he could not do it when he will then be around DS as DS gets asthma at times in the cold weather. But he went against that then tried to lie about it. DS sounded wheezy tonight, and then i smell DH's clothes and I was like WTF!

    Be honest - am i being controlling and evil by banning him from his weekly boys out now because he lies to be? I have never made that stand with him before but i don't know what else to do to make him realise i wont put up with it.

    I was thinking counseling might be an idea too actually. Not that I can be bothered. I wish he'd just fricken quit with the bull crap!!

    You're his wife - not his mother. He is acting childish, but he is not a child. There is a huge difference.

    You shouldnt be punishing him, he is not your son. If you have to "ban him" and give him "consequences"..... I think you need to look at yourself.
    Im sorry he's lying to you, thats really shi++y... You said to be honest... so honestly if I was coming home to a nagging wife (only going from what youve said here)..... then I prob wouldnt be truthful either.

    If he ever is truthful, do you drop it? Or do you pester him some more about his poor judgment and choice/decision to light up.

    Sounds like if smoking is the only thing, he needs support. Have you ever been a smoker?

    I think the adult think for you to do is take a leap, apologise for treating him like a child, calmly explain that you would much rather he be truthful.. and take it from there. Tell him you the issue isnt smoking, its the lies and fibs and covering his tracks. If he was honest from the get go it wouldn't have been such a massive issue.
    He will probably be so shocked by your calm and mature response.
    Last edited by Atlantic Puffin; 29-05-2014 at 23:03.

  13. #29
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,221
    Thanks
    1,169
    Thanked
    668
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Atlantic Puffin View Post
    You're his wife - not his mother. He is acting childish, but he is not a child. There is a huge difference.

    You shouldnt be punishing him, he is not your son. If you have to "ban him" and give him "consequences"..... I think you need to look at yourself.
    Im sorry he's lying to you, thats really shi++y... You said to be honest... so honestly if I was coming home to a nagging wife (only going from what youve said here)..... then I prob wouldnt be truthful either.

    If he ever is truthful, do you drop it? Or do you pester him some more about his poor judgment and choice/decision to light up.

    Sounds like if smoking is the only thing, he needs support. Have you ever been a smoker?

    I think the adult think for you to do is take a leap, apologise for treating him like a child, calmly explain that you would much rather he be truthful.. and take it from there. Tell him you the issue isnt smoking, its the lies and fibs and covering his tracks. If he was honest from the get go it wouldn't have been such a massive issue.
    He will probably be so shocked by your calm and mature response.
    Thanks for your reply, and I appreciate your honesty but not your judgment nature that seems to be coming across. I have also covered the fact I used to smoke myself so that's why i can smell it a mile away, and that I am not trying to stop him from smoking I am trying to keep the smoke away from DS. I also have mentioned for a period of time he was being honest about it and things were a lot better. We haven't fought about it in ages, I have no idea why he resorted back to lying - all i can put it down to is shame he started up smoking again. I don't nag him. Far out, I am so bloody lenient with him and he even says that himself. All i want is for DS's health to be a priority and for him to change his bloody clothes when he smokes. As MrsHarvey pointed out, i am focusing on the wrong thing when bringing it up. I shouldn't be opening it up for discussion, just telling him i smell it and to change his clothes. I just spoke with DH before and he promised he wont throw a hissy fit when i do that in future. But we'll see about that. lol.

    I will say though, just telling him "i would much rather him be truthful" and taking it from there in my situation isn't enough, as its be continuous for the 10 years of our relationship and been about multiple things from smoking, to other women etc (but i wont get into all that) so i do have good reason for my frustrations. I am not a nagging wife. We barely fight. Tonight the 'white lies' just became a bit too much.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to Serenity Love For This Useful Post:

    Ashram  (30-05-2014)

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Other side of the screen!
    Posts
    3,674
    Thanks
    872
    Thanked
    870
    Reviews
    17
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Blessed Be View Post
    Thanks for your reply, and I appreciate your honesty but not your judgment nature that seems to be coming across. I have also covered the fact I used to smoke myself so that's why i can smell it a mile away, and that I am not trying to stop him from smoking I am trying to keep the smoke away from DS. I also have mentioned for a period of time he was being honest about it and things were a lot better. We haven't fought about it in ages, I have no idea why he resorted back to lying - all i can put it down to is shame he started up smoking again. I don't nag him. Far out, I am so bloody lenient with him and he even says that himself. All i want is for DS's health to be a priority and for him to change his bloody clothes when he smokes. As MrsHarvey pointed out, i am focusing on the wrong thing when bringing it up. I shouldn't be opening it up for discussion, just telling him i smell it and to change his clothes. I just spoke with DH before and he promised he wont throw a hissy fit when i do that in future. But we'll see about that. lol.

    I will say though, just telling him "i would much rather him be truthful" and taking it from there in my situation isn't enough, as its be continuous for the 10 years of our relationship and been about multiple things from smoking, to other women etc (but i wont get into all that) so i do have good reason for my frustrations. I am not a nagging wife. We barely fight. Tonight the 'white lies' just became a bit too much.
    I didnt mean it judgy at all. Im laying in bed trying not to wake a ratbag 2 year old, and judging from your posts thought you would appreciate a to the point response.

    I also said im just basing my response from what youve said. I dont know you or your bsck story, I only know you from what youve posted in this thread.

    Sorry im not big on fluffing things up to make sure people dont take it the wrong way. It is what it is.

    Maybe dont bother asking him anymore. If you just expect him to lie there is no use.

    Put a change of clothes at the door for him every arvo and a plastic bag for his clothes. Make it a non issue and dont even bring it up... could work.


    Edited:shocking spelling. What evs.
    Last edited by Atlantic Puffin; 29-05-2014 at 23:31.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Low lying placenta
    By glittertg in forum Pregnancy Health Issues
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 22-12-2014, 22:04
  2. Lying 7yr old. Any ideas?
    By Jupiter11 in forum Discipline & behaviour
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 11-02-2014, 11:01
  3. 6 yo Lying Issue
    By Dwyane Wade in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 26-06-2013, 21:56

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Shapland Swim Schools
Shapland's at participating schools offer free baby orientation classes once a month - no cost no catches. Your baby will be introduced to our "natural effects" orientation program develop by Shapland's over 3 generations, its gentle and enjoyable.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
Baby Monitors
Looking to buy a baby monitor? :: Read viewer reviews of baby monitors BEFORE you buy :: Buy at a local or online Baby Nursery Shop
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!