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  1. #61
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
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    You have lots of wonderful advice here that will hopefully help you make a decision that sits well in your heart. One thing you have brushed on may need to be an important deciding factor for you and what you want.

    You mention you run your own business, have I read correctly that this has been running at a loss for 4 years? That you and your husband's income from jobs keeps the business running? Staying with your husband or doing it alone, if you decide to keep this baby, giving up your business may be a sacrifice you need to make (or something you at least put on hold). After 4 years I would expect a business to be starting to turn a corner in terms if profitability. I appreciate that this is a dream of yours - my DH just had to shut down his own 'dream' business as it just wasn't financially viable, no matter what adjustments we made it was costing us money, not making us money. With me needing to stop working/reduce hours due to having our second child my income could no longer cover his business losses and he had to sacrifice his dream (in a way, for our child).

    I don't mean to complicate things further, just think this is a factor that should weigh into your decision.

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  3. #62
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Meld85 View Post

    I truly feel you need to cancel this appointment and let your husband know you will rebook it if/when you are ready. Then you take all the time you need.
    This is extremely sensible advice.

    Apologies for the 'wall of text' .... But let's *name* what's going on here.

    Your partner is not actually communicating fairly, he is using a manipulative technique known as 'emotional blackmail'.

    from wiki -

    "Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of psychological manipulation, employing a mixture of threats, appeals and emotionally punitive behaviour to control an intimate.

    Under pressure from emotional blackmail, one may become a sort of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the other's breakdown.

    Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist.

    Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, making the victim feel they must earn them by agreement.

    If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as "a sort of psychological fog". Forward (and Frazier) invented the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.

    Typically, emotional blackmail has six stages: Demand, Resistance, Pressure, Threats, Compliance and Repetition."

    He sounds like he's in the threat making stage at the moment.

    Power and control within relationships tends to go in cycles.

    His comments really aren't based in reality, they are geared towards control, and you know that. The fact is, he will be financially responsible for the child whether he likes it or not. That's the law actually. All these things he is telling you about yourself and how the child will 'ruin everything' are tactics and lies. Never allow other people to tell you lies about yourself. Simply say, 'Please stop now', and walk away.

    But really, this decision isn't about him, Uncle Joe, or Your dad.

    This situation is really about you and what you have co created in your life. In some ways, relationships are mirrors, wherever you go you meet only yourself.

    I would pay no attention to manipulative threats. Just say, 'Im sorry you choose to see it that way' and go off and do something else. 'This is my decision, deal with it' also works well.

    A previous poster, Phony, and many others, showed what I feel would be appropriate anger to this situation. It's interesting that you don't sound angry. Are you? If you need to get angry, do so, it's sometimes our best defence against people violating our boundaries. Imagine someone trying to take a lion cub from a Lioness!

    I wonder, if your mum were alive, what would she tell you to do?

    I really commend you on reaching out. Its not easy. This isnt meant to sound patronising, but I really am proud of you. You have a lot of support here X
    Last edited by Butterfly39; 28-05-2014 at 14:19.

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  5. #63
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Generally speaking the love you have for your child will trump the love you have for your husband. EVERY time. If your house burns down I assure you in that split second youd know once n for all who has your heart and it will be your child. It sincerely sounds to me like you already feel that way!

    Dont make a rash decision especially that hes bullied you into. Make your decision for yourself and then start a new thread on where to from here. You will get alot of love and support and advice here

    I recently went thru my pregnancy with my DH being a jerk and this was after a 3 yr struggle to get pregnant. I was beside myself most of my pregnancy as DH has been my best friend and closest confidante for over 30 yrs. Overnight he became a stranger but I was very very clear to myself to him and to the few i confided in that my baby came first even though losing my dh would be very devestating for me I knew id survive losing him. And I have zero family support. For the last 30 yrs DH has filled that void in my life.

    I went into my delivery knowing id likely began the path of divorce and being a single parent again. And it still never took 1 second of my joy at giving birth away. In fact I think because id come to terms with it there was no real stress I could focus on my son. Im very grateful that my DH has had a complete turn around. I cant praise him enough for the father he is being to our son. I dont know what the reason was behind his bs when I was pregnant. As for his turn around I dont know if its because he spent our sons first few hours just the 2 of them together in NICU or that our son is his minnie me.
    Me personally I wouldnt have been able to terminate my pregnancy and then stay with DH

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  7. #64
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    I think I struggle with the concept of losing him due to losing so much already. I had my whole life ripped into shreds last year, I told him that and why I am struggling so much to give up this baby. What if Brenton gets cancer, or I get sick or something happens or this is my only chance to get pregnant. There are so many "what ifs" and I'm under the believe (something that has been generated since the lost of my mum) that what will be will be. I'm not a religious person in the sense that I attend church but I did attend a religious school that helped shape the way I perceive the world.

    As one poster said what if this is how he will be when something doesn't go his way. It's true, this isn't the first time. This time last year before my mum was diagnosed our night time discussion surrounded his wish of me getting rid of my business because it didn't fit into his plan. It is sucking money into it at the moment as it is only 4 years old in a developing market. It is something I've dreamed of since I was an aspired ballerina with a dream to pass my knowledge onto others. Fights were met with him telling me to choose between him or the business, that I am killing us financially and only thinking about myself. I luckily had my mum there for guidance who said don't let anyone dictate your dreams. She knew how hard I had worked to get to where I was and was my biggest supporter of growing it. I have days where I question why I still have it, but you battle on and remember why you started it in the first place. He has come around a lot since then, mum talking to him helped. Many nights though I cried myself to sleep realising I'll probably end up working in an industry I'm not passionate about and I know what it is like to work a job you love.

    My business is once again in the firing line. It's one of the things he said he will back out assisting with if I have the baby.
    Honey, sounds like he diesnt give a rats clacker if he loses you as long as he gets what he wants.

    So you cant have a baby thats already been conceived and u also cant your business but u have to do everything he wants?
    What a selfish man.

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  9. #65
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    You're so young, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is just so nasty? It doesn't surprise me at all that he has tried to manipulate you before with your business.
    I feel really bad for you, I understand your point of view as I stayed in a bad marriage because I didn't want to be a single mother or lose my family the way my mother lost hers.
    But in the end I left because I realised I was losing so much more by staying.
    I really hope you keep the baby, it will be hard but there isn't anything like the love of your child and you will rediscover that connection you lost when you lost your mum, but this is about more than the baby I think.
    Its a turning point in your life for you to decide what you want, the freedom to be you and have a happy life or stay with a person who sees you as an object to be controlled? You will end up hating this man and yourself.
    I wouldn't wish that sort of misery on anyone.
    Take care

  10. #66
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    I know you've got a lot to process today, you've had a lot of feedback from some very wise women here today - and I hope you're taking some much needed time out to do some serious thinking and contemplation about your future.

    I know that you are likely feeling that you would do anything to make things right with your husband and that you cannot go through another major loss after what you have already gone through with your parents. But also, I know from my own experience and the advice of many on here, that your husband is abusive, and maybe this is the first time that it has been so obvious that it is now right in your face and you can no longer ignore / justify / explain / excuse his behaviour. Many here write from experience and don't want to see you waste years of your life being slowly demoralised by a controlling man until there is nothing left of yourself but a shell of a woman too scared to live life at all. We are not jumping to conclusions or creating drama where there is none, but are concerned about the signs that your husband has shown that he does not value you as a true partner in the relationship, or gives you the respect that you deserve.

    I have been in such a relationship and it nearly cost me my life. I learned my lesson though, and now am with the most amazing man, and the one time he spoke to me disrespectfully, I made him go to counseling to learn ways to deal with his emotions without degrading me. And it worked perfectly because he didn't want to be disrespectful, he just didn't have the tools to express himself properly. Now he does and he's never done it again. A willingness to see the other person's point of view and have empathy, compassion and want to support them, are the foundations of a good relationship.

    Whatever direction you go and whether you stay together or not, things have now come into your awareness that you cannot undo. Even if your husband does an about face and decides to support whatever decision you make, the warning signs are there for the future, and counselling together is an absolute must if you want to make it work.

    Two books that I found absolutely invaluable that I highly recommend you read (in secret if you have to) are Verbally Abusive Relationships by Patricia Evans - this was a Godsend for me, it finally identified everything I was going through and made me realise I wasn't going crazy. Also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Those books will give you a good basis for understanding some of the dynamics that may be in your relationship and give you a good starting point to work with someone on healing those issues.

    I wish you all the best because it is a horrible place to be in when you've had the rug ripped out from under you and realised you can't lean on the person you need to lean on the most. You have time, you don't have to make a decision for a few weeks yet, so take some time out to really process everything, talk to your sister, as others have said, maybe stay a few days with her, and let things settle a bit.


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  12. #67
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
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    I totally agree with stretched. With good jobs and 2 investment properties it is absurd that the OP has to live with relatives and DH claims they can't financially afford a baby. Something has to give. The investment properties would be my first pick. A business that is losing money after 4 years would be a close second.

    Overcommitment=financial stress
    Financial stress=relationship stress
    Last edited by VicPark; 28-05-2014 at 18:42.

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  14. #68
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    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    Jan 2014
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    I agree with everything that's already been said but a couple of things is like to offer:
    You're concerned about being alone or losing this man. As a motherless daughter I empathise with this. But have you considered that actually you ARE already alone? The second he stopped being on the same team you were alone in the sense that you became single in THIS situation.
    Secondly you're an intelligent hard working woman who is clearly kind and considerate of others. YOU might just be a CATCH! While you stay with someone like this, you're not free to explore other possibilities! Whether those possibilities include this baby or a different partner or career or family.
    Huge hugs to you. I can't remember the last time I was so emotionally moved by a post and I'm
    So glad you came for support

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  16. #69
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Wow OP, this is an absolutely gut wrenching situation. Honestly, if my husband ever treated me like that I would be the one leaving. He is threatening his wife and unborn child. I know he's you're husband and obviously there are parts of him you love, but this is just disgusting behaviour. If you do go through with something you aren't comfortable with will the relationship last anyway? I would resent my husband forever, our marriage wouldn't last.

    The biggest hugs to you

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  18. #70
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    I am so sorry he is treating you in such a disgusting manner.
    I have also lost my mother and I understand how hard it is to lose others in your life. But this man has shown his true colours. He is a pig. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you with such contempt.

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