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  1. #501
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    I honestly don't think it's productive or healthy to assign blame. It appears that despite the moments of happiness you and your DH really were engaged in a very toxic relationship and I think as a pp said, it's time to let him and the marriage go.

    I think it's vitally important that you continue to seek individual counselling to help you come to terms with the end of your marriage and to help you move forward with your life.

    All the best xx

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  3. #502
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    The extra information certainly helps put things in perspective, it must have been didficult for you to type that all out so thanks.

    I am going to be honest here because I don't believe dodging the truth it sugar-coating it is helpful.

    The main thing that strikes me about your whole story is that you are still far too focused on yourself and haven't *really* put yourself in your husbands shoes.

    "He didn't help me with the bags," "he treated me poorly after the miscarriage," "he was unfair" etc. Yet you gloss over things that have clearly upset your husband.... (Your dad ripping him off, your business sending you both broke etc). You seem to expect your husband to support you (under sometimes unreasonable circumstances), yet you won't give him the same courtesy.

    Don't pressure your (ex) hubby into anything. Don't hold out hopes that your relationship can be saved as I think you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. I can understand why your ex reneged on his promise to attend counsellIng with you: he probably needs a good long break from all the anger, drama and abuse.

    Please continue with counseling for yourself. Hopefully after working on your anger/communication/empathy skills you will be in a better place to conduct a successful and loving relationship.

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    Liddybugs  (17-09-2014)

  5. #503
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExcuseMyFrench View Post
    It might be time to call it quit. You are only so young and lots of opportunities in front of you.
    Try not and dwell in the past.

    Reading your post just shows that your relationship was doomed from the beginning.

    And no, you are not the cause this relationship is failing. Your husband is offering you an out. Take it and keep up counseling for yourself, to help you grieve for all that you have lost and help you see and build a bright future.
    Completely agree. I really think this is a case of clinging onto something that was never ever going to work. It seems very clear from the very beginning that this relationship was/is toxic. Time to move on. xoxo

  6. #504
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    Thank you for the message. I hope people realise that among all this him and I were very happy as well. We loved each other dearly and loved being in each others company. I am just trying to bring to light the issues that I had, we had and he had.
    There's always moments of happiness, but what you are describing is certainly not a normal relationship.

    My understanding is that you have only known this relationship is that right?

    Trust me, there are happy and healthy relationships out there. Where everything feels easy and comfortable.

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  8. #505
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    The extra information certainly helps put things in perspective, it must have been didficult for you to type that all out so thanks.

    I am going to be honest here because I don't believe dodging the truth it sugar-coating it is helpful.

    The main thing that strikes me about your whole story is that you are still far too focused on yourself and haven't *really* put yourself in your husbands shoes.

    "He didn't help me with the bags," "he treated me poorly after the miscarriage," "he was unfair" etc. Yet you gloss over things that have clearly upset your husband.... (Your dad ripping him off, your business sending you both broke etc). You seem to expect your husband to support you (under sometimes unreasonable circumstances), yet you won't give him the same courtesy.

    Don't pressure your (ex) hubby into anything. Don't hold out hopes that your relationship can be saved as I think you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. I can understand why your ex reneged on his promise to attend counsellIng with you: he probably needs a good long break from all the anger, drama and abuse.

    Please continue with counseling for yourself. Hopefully after working on your anger/communication/empathy skills you will be in a better place to conduct a successful and loving relationship.

    I agree, over the last 12 months I haven't put myself in my husbands shoes. I have been so overwhelmed by what was going on around me I just struggled. During the pregnancy I did however try my hardest to be open with him, to listen to his concerns and to be there for him to make the process easier.

    After that though, when the affection disappeared instead of thinking "why is he acting this way, perhaps its due to him struggling with his own emotions...rather than push him about this I simply need to support him and show him I care" all I thought about was myself in that situation and honestly, now that I am out of that house it all makes sense. Unfortunately it is too late though and that really upsets me. I figured he would be the type of guy to say to me "lets have a break for a bit, get a breather then come back and reassess" instead it jumped from no conversation into lets get a divorce.

    I know I have made mistakes, I really do. I just miss him so much and wish we could have had the opportunity to move out and be a married couple.

  9. #506
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    I have been in a similar situation with my dh.

    It escalated into a physical fight between the two of us, and although a man should never hit a woman I cannot say that I didn't provoke him with my pushing of him and standing him his way when he wanted to leave so that he could calm down.

    It's taken me 6.5 years of marriage to realise that, you can't just say or do what ever YOU want to your partner.

    They aren't your mum. I'm extremely close with my mum (just like you were). I could tell her to get lost, and she'd just forgive me. But my dh isn't my blood family.. All that holds us together is really a promise to each other and to our kids. But honestly, we could both call it quits this second if we wanted to.

    My point is that you can't just do or say what you want. You have to learn that some things are off limits in marriage.

    After all, this is the person that you love with all your heart. So why hurt them - physically, verbally or mentally??

    I'm proud to say I've learnt and and happy with my dh. We still have our struggles (family meddling) but I have learnt to deal with it. My dh- he's still a work in progress.

    I think for you it's time to move on. It's REALLY hard to come back from such a bad place, and if only one person wants to do it, it's not going to work.

    Take time to refocus.

    If I were you, I wouldn't even start the physio degree yet, start it 2nd semester next year. You need time to destress and figure out who you are, before recommitting to something as hard as a uni degree.

    Keep going with the counselling, take a long holiday and try to smile.

  10. #507
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    [QUOTE=brimm;7935110]Ultimately it was my behaviour that ended this relationship and I will forever have to live with this.

    [QUOTE]

    Sorry OP - but I am going to be blunt too. This is utter crap. I am in no way justifying your behaviour - but your husband is a nightmare too. I can't believe he treated you so badly for so long - and yet you think this is all down to you.

    I think after awhile of counselling - and when you get back on your feet and find happiness again -you will see that this split is an absolute blessing for you both. Your relationship sounds horrifically toxic on both sides..right from the start.

    Good luck OP - things will get better for you!

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  12. #508
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    Thank you everyone. I'm seeing a counsellor every week which is helping a lot.

    On more positive news I am trying to move forward as much as it hurts. I feel like all my dreams have been destroyed that we had for the future together so I figure try to do them myself.

    First step is I have purchased myself a new car! His uncle works for a car company and I wanted to ensure I still got the discount before everything was finalised. Super money came in from mum last week who has specified it was to be used on a bigger car for myself with better safety features. I figured this was as better time than ever. Doesn't make the pain I have in my heart go away, but it makes me realise that I can be in control of my future.

    I am also applying for full time positions. I won't go back to university, I cannot at the moment as I need to look after myself.

    Next step is to find my own place.

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    Butterfly39  (25-09-2014)

  14. #509
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    Op I am going against the grain and say that placing all the blame on you is a load of crap! Yes he has gone through hard times and yes you could have supported him more but in this time you have lost your mother, had your dream business have a down turn, had the shock of your father not only quickly remarrying but also causing you and your husband to have a financial down turn and getting pregnant with little to no support and then losing the baby and having no support during the loss! I am sorry but I think on the scale of things your husband should have been more supportive. Yes you should of maybe looked at things from his perspective a bit more but I think you can not place all the blame yourself. Plus if I am honest even though I don't know your husband from all your posts it seems to me your husband is still behaving like a child, you are no longer fitting into the picture or plan he has in his head which is how he saw the baby which he wanted terminated so now he is doing the same with your marriage.

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  16. #510
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    I'm glad you are getting counselling. I truly think it'll help you deal with everything that has happened, plus you'll need someone to talk to in moving forward from the marriage breakdown.

    I agree with others who say this relationship was toxic for both of you. Some people are just not meant for a life together - this includes a lot of couples who love each other passionately, they simply aren't good for each other. Love is not enough. Seems like there was a lack of respect on both sides, plus enormous outside pressures.

    It takes two to tango, and I think in time you'll realise he played quite the role in your issues and you will no longer place so much blame on yourself.

    Enjoy your new car and be sure to do things for YOU. You are still young - be young and find yourself.

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