@HollyGolightly81 I certainly don't x
HollyGollighty81 I don't think horribly of you. My heart breaks for the hurt you and your DH must have felt during that time and the hurt you both probably still feel.
I don't condone violence in any way shape or form. I don't condone female to male intimate partner violence whilst condemning male to female intimate partner violence. It's all violence, it's all sh!t and none of it should happen. But it did happen and you're right, there are often many varied complicated layers.
I don't get the impression from your post you think any of it was ok.
I do however see difference between you and the Op but i'll leave it there since my suspicions about this whole thread aren't based on anything other than assumption and guessing and not fact. But will bow out from here on because other than professional help, this thread looks like it has or will soon become very unhelpful for all concerned.
Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 06-09-2014 at 06:27.
It's a little different: OP said she hit her husband "a lot" I get the impression it's more like a regular thing than a 3 time outburst while going through a difficult time. People also feel frustrated at the OP wasting their time by only giving a little bit of the picture until recently. Happy to stand corrected though if the OP would like to clarify. I understand if the OP doesn't want to though.
Last edited by VicPark; 06-09-2014 at 06:39.
I have left this thread open to give the OP a chance to explain anything she wants to better.
Please refrain from speculation, I have deleted a number of posts which are speculating, and if you continue to speculate in the thread, your post will be removed and a warning or infraction may be issued.
Male to female violence is almost always viewed as black and white.
There are a lot of excuses and justifications for the OPs violence in this thread and I am having a hard time reconciling that.
-disbelief/questioning if she is making the violence up
-It was a 'toxic relationship' therefore not her fault
-Her husband didn't bring out the best in her, therefore his fault?
-It must not even be the OP posting because this couldn't possibly be true
-Her husband was emotionally abusive therefore deserved "a slap"
-The OP has mental health issues and is getting help so it's fine
-She has learnt from her 'mistake' therefore it was a valuable learning experience for her
Can you imagine these excuses and justifications being applied to a man who hit his wife? She didn't bring out the best in him therefore it's understandable that he hit her? That she was emotionally abusive and deserved to be hit?
I don't feel sorry for the OP just as I don't feel sorry for the man who abused me.
I have been struggling to find the time to sit down and reply to all the messages (majority extremely upsetting) that have been posting the last few days.
Please understand that I never condone in any shape or form violence from either a female and male. My dad used to hit me and it's something that I have had to live with my entire life.
To explain my actions I have to go back to 2012 when him and I moved into our Unit after becoming engaged. Prior to that we had not had a single argument and I was proudly telling my friends how perfect our relationship was...guess that's why we got engaged after 1 year. Regardless we moved in together and it was a disaster. He had come from a very different up-bringing to myself and although I was willing to adjust my styles he didn't want to compromise for me. By different I mean his mum cooked, cleaned and worked a full time job. My mum was certainly the same but not as ridiculous as that. He expected everything to be cooked from scratch (including sauces) and I admit I was a University student at this point and had plenty of time to cook and clean...but it didn't come naturally. Many nights he would come home from work and the place was a mess. This would cause him to verbally attack me and then cause a verbal fight, only for him to threaten to go to his parents place for the night. I believe when in a relationship its between the two people...not including his parents. I would then stand in front of the door to prevent him to leave, stating that "this is something we need to discuss and work through, stop running off to your parents". He would then attempt to push me out of the way (not in a violent way) but I would push him off me and refuse to leave. This would just escalate until finally one of us gave up.
Nothing was done to his liking and when it was he would forget about it a day later and then attack me over 'not doing the washing for weeks!'
I just couldn't win and I was really struggling. This ended up getting sorted out at pre-marriage counselling where he got told off for not being more appreciative of me trying to do the right things.
Also, this was around the time where he would lay in bed and verbally attack me over my business, telling me it didn't fit into his dreams and ambitions, that it had to go or he would go. 3 months of every night being screamed at and crying myself to sleep, until finally I involved my mum who had a stern word to him about the fact that every individual has there own dreams, its important while in a relationship you compromise and allow for both parties to achieve them. He wanted to go to Canada...I said I would do that, he wanted investment properties...I said I would do that. Anything he wanted I was happy to do.
After that discussion he laid off me about the business and actually became heavily involved in it.
The 1st time I hit him intentionally was on our Honeymoon and it upsets me even looking back. Having just lost mum, my dad getting a new wife and us being kicked out just a week before our honeymoon it was fair to say I was a ticking time bomb in the emotions department. I wanted to hold it all together for him and the honeymoon started off amazing. It wasn't till on our way home on a boat where things went pear shaped. Stupid me decided to wear high heels on a boat and while carrying a very large bag down the ramp to the port I tripped over and skidded on the concrete on my knee. I ripped the pants that I had purchased with mum and was just incredibly embarrassed with 250+ people looking at me and no one helping. My husband came up to me and asked if I was okay and I attacked him for not helping me with the bag, then bang...hit him. He turned around and grabbed my hair which he says was to try to get me off him. After that, he refused to talk to me all afternoon and then proceeded to take his wedding ring off. It took 3 hours at the airport to try and apologies for my actions, he finally agreed to give it another try.
I was so ashamed of my behaviour.
We ended up moving back to his parents place and things didn't get better they got worse. I would look forward to him coming home and he would return only to swear about not having money due to my '****ing' Dad. I was so stressed and all I wanted was for my husband to hug me and tell me it was all okay. The days I would cry about mum he would turn it around to my dad and the pain he was causing him. I would listen but it got to the point where I just needed an escape from the stress so told him I wasn't interested in hearing about it anymore.
Then the pregnancy happened and well...everyone knows what happened there.
After the miscarriage I began suffering from panic attacks, I would just scream and hit myself and shake, my husband would try to shake me (physically) out of it which would just lead to me hitting him to get him off me. I had about 4 really bad panic attacks, after the 1st I had thrown myself into counselling. After I had managed to get on top of my emotions and everything that had happened, the affection from him stopped (well sorry, it stopped after I got pregnant). I would try to get him to talk to me and he would roll his eyes and sigh. When I asked if my behaviour was getting better he would say "oh yes, you're doing so well". Unfortunately every night though we would end up in a huge verbal fight over the no affection. Looking back I should have left it and not pushed so much, but instead I called him an ********, told him I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted a divorce. It was the most stupid thing I could ever say but at that point I just couldn't make sense of what was going on and he was giving me nothing in the terms of discussions.
Ultimately it was my behaviour that ended this relationship and I will forever have to live with this. The past 12 months has tested me beyond anything and I failed. I promised mum that I would do everything in my power to be the best wife I could be and I didn't. I would do anything to take back the words I said and to try harder...but he won't.
Counselling managed to address everything and I have been panic attack and anger free for about 4 months. According to my husband it was too little too late. He says that he knows I will be an amazing wife and an amazing person but he is over it and doesn't want me anymore.
This is me being honest, among all that bad was amazing times. Now I have lost everything. I am sleeping on my uncles couch, have lost my business, lost my husband, lost my dog and lost the future we had planned.
After he had notified me that he didn't love me anymore, I managed to get him to agree to the marriage counselling session we had arranged 14 weeks before this all happened...He promised he would be there and when I saw him on the Tuesday he once again said he would definitely be there and promised. Monday came around and he was a no show. I had booked the marriage counselling session in around the same time as the miscarriage took place as he had handled the whole situation horrendously and it was taking a huge toll on our already stressful lives.
I don't believe he doesn't love me anymore, I believe he doesn't know how he feels. I also know he is being heavily influenced by his Dad who HATES my father. I spoke to his dad on the phone after this all went down and I moved out and he said "I love you, but as long as you are around your dad is around and I don't want that". It's become a case of you get me, you get my dad too and the family is over that. His parents both agreed that him and I should have moved out from their place and tried living as a marriage couple, that living in their place while they were also having marriage problems was toxic. My husband on the other hand cannot be bothered trying.
PS: I am not asking for any sympathy. I am simply trying to shed light as to why I acted the way I did and what I did to rectify my behaviour.
Last edited by brimm; 17-09-2014 at 09:37.
It might be time to call it quit. You are only so young and lots of opportunities in front of you.
Try not and dwell in the past.
Reading your post just shows that your relationship was doomed from the beginning.
And no, you are not the cause this relationship is failing. Your husband is offering you an out. Take it and keep up counseling for yourself, to help you grieve for all that you have lost and help you see and build a bright future.
I honestly don't think it's productive or healthy to assign blame. It appears that despite the moments of happiness you and your DH really were engaged in a very toxic relationship and I think as a pp said, it's time to let him and the marriage go.
I think it's vitally important that you continue to seek individual counselling to help you come to terms with the end of your marriage and to help you move forward with your life.
All the best xx
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