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  1. #31
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    You clearly don't want to abort. Your husband is behaving like a total psycho and I have to wonder if he has been abusive before now (because what he is doing to you IS abuse). Do you really want to stay married to this person? Forget about his threats to leave you and leave him first, then make the decision about what you will do about the pregnancy without him harassing and abusing you, because that is not going to help your decision.

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  3. #32
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    So sorry you are going thro this. I have been in this position before. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I had to make the choice partner or baby. And I was told if I choose the baby I would be raising it alone. I gave in and I choose him only for the relationship to end anyway. I wish I had been stronger and taken more time to make the decision on what I wanted instead of bring blackmailed and manipulated like I was. I have a lot of resentment and anger as a result.

    It's a horrible situation to be in. Sending hugs your way xxx

  4. #33
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    OP, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

    In simple terms - what could you live with?

    Can you live with the fact your husband has issued you an ultimatum that is his way or the highway?
    Can you forgive him if you go through with this and just "forget" and move on?
    Do you WANT this baby - ignore everything else at the moment - but what do YOU want?

    I am pro-choice so no judgement here.

  5. #34
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    I'm also pro-choice AND I am anti-bullying. I'm sorry that you have had such a terrible year Brimm but like others have said, your husband's behaviour is beyond awful. It's a terrible decision too have to make, and I can imagine it's difficult to be able to think, with all the tension in the house. Can you go stay with your sister for a few days so you can clear your head? Or can your husband go stay somewhere?

    If he won't go to counseling with you, and refuses to even consider anything but termination, then I think you should get some impartial counseling for yourself asap. It's impossible to think with a clear head while you are under such duress.

    And I hate to say it but what does it mean for the future? If you do what he wants now, because he won't budge, what happens next time you disagree on something major? Having said that, I think this must be one of the most major challenges a couple can face in any relationship. I'm so sorry you are going through it

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  7. #35
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    Firstly I just wanted to say a huge thank you to the overwhelming response I have received. Everyone's kind words and words of wisdom has certainly helped me begin to reassess my thoughts and feelings.

    I spoke with my husband last night and he said what else can he do, he believes he has supported me the best he can. He took me to the movies, made me dinner, took me to the football even though he hates my team and other things. I looked at him complexed and said, but throughout that whole week did you listen to me? Or were you simply trying to force me down your path.
    He has tried working the fact my kids won't be able to go to private school or do this or that hoping that the fact I have expensive taste will kick in. As I said to him, my parents had second hand furniture when they had me. They were very much in financial difficulty but they made it work. By the time I was 10 my parents had built an empire and we had everything anyone could want. I lived a very lucky and spoilt life with my parents but I am also extemely grateful for those opportunities they worked hard to give me.
    He lived a slightly different life. His mum completely stopped working to raise him, although he went to private school his family has always had financial difficulties and he has been brought up believing you must be set up before having kids. He has worked hard to have these two investment properties particularly as I wasn't able to assist financially due to finishing my double degree a few years ago.

    I stupidly told him to go discuss this matter with his uncle who is a lovely man and his best friend ultimately. I later found out his uncle in his first marriage had made his wife have two abortions as they weren't "set up", and that he is glad he went that way as he wouldn't have what he has now.... Everything my husband wants. They have the life he wants and so wants me to go the same way. I went and discussed this with them 2 days after I found out. I got told having a child is one of the most selfless act anyone can make and unless you are prepared you can't give that child 100% of yourself. He is very persuading but I still had doubt in the back of mind. As everyone said what if this was meant to be...

    Losing my mum I think was the most horrible and hard thing I've ever been through. When I found out the first thing I wanted to do was call her and get her advice. I know she'd be concerned at the timing but I know she would have supported us. Her sister had an anortion when she was just married, forced by her husband. My mum described to me the emotional torment she went through post procedure. That really sticks with me. My dad cried when I told him (I was hoping he would offer financial assistance or something) he said don't abort it, you can't. Don't put yourself through that. My husband doesn't know I told my dad due to the relationship they now have.

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  9. #36
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    I am sorry to read you are in this situation. Its not fair on your dh to put you there. If we all waited for "the right time" some of us may never have families. A baby doesn't need millions of "things" a baby needs love. Most of the stuff we have for ds is second hand furniture, toys some clothes but we make do.

    ♥ him + me = you 17/9/13 ♥

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  11. #37
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    Hunny I am so so sorry you are going through this. Marriage is tuff enough without adding all this stress.
    My beliefs are this; if you are old enough to be in a serious relationship or marry then sometimes you have to roll with the punches! Considering this, sometimes you need to accept the consequences of things you have done and in this instance you and your husband had sex and it has ended in a surprise pregnancy. My question is if you go through with terminating, what happens if in 2 months time you fall pregnant again? Will this pregnancy then result in another termination? Softly softly, your DH needs to come to terms with his actions; Sex may result in a pregnancy! If this is understood and this ultimate result is not the desired result then he should not have sex. Even with contraception, sex can result with a surprise or wanted pregnancy. If you can try maybe with someone DH respects a friend, parents etc to talk to him again. He's angry so the worst thing you can do is be angry, aggressive and irritated back at him. Approach him in a soft and calm manner but not patronizing. Baby's come when baby's want, I truly believe this and some couples don't have the privilege of this experience. I believe we make our own luck in life, karma no but their are fortunate happenstances or simply a serendipity! Lean on your sister for support in this time and remember you are a good person no matter what you choose.
    As for your father, maybe legal representation is needed for this matter?
    All I can say with financial stability, I know of people that are very wealthy, does it make them happy, well that's up to the individual to decide, makes your financial life easier. This couple work around the clock have everything materialistic they desire.... But 1 thing, children a family. They cannot conceive due to medical issues on both sides plus the stress of their work. Is it worth it?
    I'll finish by saying the ideal situation here is that somehow you both can come to a mutual decision that dosen't destroy your relationship.
    I wish you all the best Hun, and hope somehow you can find peace in your life. xx

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  13. #38
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    I havent read all your responses so sorry if I say something based on not reading properly.

    You need to make your decision based on how YOU feel. Deal with your husbands reaction after youve made your decision. Its not your job to talk him around so how you feel is all that matters.

    He sounds like a total jerk. He wants kids but just not now? What if this ends up a fluke conception and you struggle when hes ready? Or what if you get pregnant in 3 yrs as planned and he carries on like this again. Do you just terminate any pregnancy hes not ready for?

    His reaction seems so extreme. Is this how he carries on anytime he doesnt get his own way?

    Personally id have to wonder about his maturity in dealing with a bub. Kids dont ever stick to our preconceived ideas or plans. Your DH will have to adjust to that quick smart.




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    Forget the money, housing, hubby.... That stuff can all be sorted out. If you make a decision that you feel in your heart is not the right one, you will regret it for the rest of your life. A good friend of mine had an abortion many years ago, and she still cries about it.

    On paper it sounds like you and your hubby should be able to have a comfortable life and support a family. Where did it go wrong?
    - it sounds like you have over extended yourself with investment properties. What is the delay with selling them? Getting rid of them should mean you will be able to get your own place and have the baby in comfort.

    It must be incredibly stressful living with other people. Until your investment properties sell, is there anyway you can get a cheap rental, even if it is only 1 bedroom?

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  16. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    he has been brought up believing you must be set up before having kids. He has worked hard to have these two investment properties particularly as I wasn't able to assist financially due to finishing my double degree a few years ago.

    I stupidly told him to go discuss this matter with his uncle who is a lovely man and his best friend ultimately. I later found out his uncle in his first marriage had made his wife have two abortions as they weren't "set up", and that he is glad he went that way as he wouldn't have what he has now.... Everything my husband wants. They have the life he wants and so wants me to go the same way. I went and discussed this with them 2 days after I found out.
    I'm sorry brimm, but this attitude is frightening and I think is indicative of a lot of things that are wrong with this world, when materialism is given precedence over love and compassion. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself and become financially stable, if not wealthy - I am that person myself. However cultivating that side of life without also building your emotional intelligence, and developing yourself personally into a worthwhile human being, means that the wealth will often be shallow and satisfaction in life will be missing anyway.

    In my opinion this is a very sad outlook on life and one that I would not be proud of if I was your husband or his Uncle. There are greater things in life than material wealth - and you don't have to sacrifice one to have the other - all it means is that you and your husband need to get creative in achieving your goals.

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