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  1. #371
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    Brimm, I just went through a natural miscarriage (for want of a better word) at 6 weeks. My husband came straight home from work and we just spent a couple of days together talking, cuddling and just being in each others supportive company. It was a sad time but also cemented our emotionally commitment to each other.

    This is a time when you needed support and he couldn't/wouldn't see it. I'm so sorry.

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  3. #372
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    Going through all of this has definitely made me reassess a lot of things. I also think this last year has made me grow up and mature a lot quicker. I've begun to realise how short life is and to ensure you make the most of it and most importantly don't ever live in regret. I regret not saying lots of things to my mum and I never want to feel like that again.

    In reassessing everything thats going on I've begun to look at my life in a different prospective. My business, my career and everything else that comes along with it. There are times I've questioned just giving my business up as its a huge added stress but letting go of a dream that I still hold onto is very difficult. I'm also very driven to go back to University and study Physiotherapy but once again the unknown is scary.

    I've realised that those who aren't your true friends aren't worth the effort. If they aren't willing to make time for you then they shouldn't be your friend. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them, it's stung me on several occasions.
    Hi Brimm,

    I am really sorry to hear of your loss and worse still, to keep continuing to hear how your husband (and sister and in-laws) are not supporting you at all. My heart breaks for you - you are so young and have so much going for you, yet you are in a difficult situation and there are no easy answers.

    I am so, so happy that you are getting counseling with your husband - I believe it is absolutely imperative for you to do that to get a handle on where things are not good in your relationship. From what you have shared here, and several others are of the same opinion - that your husband could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and that is very difficult to treat. Just be aware that if you do go to counseling together, he is likely to turn everything around back on you, manipulate the counselor into seeing him as the blameless 'good guy' (they are VERY good at that) and will come out of it blaming you for everything. So if that happens, see the counselor on your own and be very firm about the way his behaviour made you feel, and how unacceptable it was, before trying to do joint counseling again.

    Right now, you have a lot to process - this has been something that has shone a very strong light on your marriage, and that is a good thing. Better to find out now, than down the track when you are older and possibly have a family. Even after my eyes were opened, it took me a further eighteen months to leave my NPD partner, so I understand that these things can't be rushed and you have to go through the whole process of evaluating the marriage, and for most women, we try everything possible before we go. I know with my relationship, I could walk away knowing I had done my very best, so I had absolutely no regrets whatsoever. We all get to that point in different ways and in different time frames. At least you are aware now, and can more forward with that knowledge and assess the next steps.

    With regards to your business- it is a dream and we should never give up on our dreams - but the timing may not be right now. Whatever you have done thus far will not go to waste. If you do shelve it for a couple of years, you will have all that knowledge and experience behind you when you are ready to launch again. It's not a failure, the dream may just need some time to develop in a different way at a different point in your life - so please don't be black and white about it - if it's not flowing, then it may not be right, for right now.

    Just before I finish my essay (lol) I do want to agree with @Daisy Duck - when I started bleeding with my last miscarriage, my husband rushed home from work to be with me, he comforted me, cooked for me, cried with me, held me and was so incredibly kind, gentle, loving and caring. Then he took a day off work to be with me for the D&C and afterwards we sat on the beach and talked and cried some more, then had a lovely lunch out and he took care of me for the days after when I was feeling raw and vulnerable. No matter whether your baby was wanted or not, you are still going through a very difficult experience and deserve, love, support and kindness. I have not seen one thing from you that shows any of these traits in your husband and that is tragic...

    You are a strong, good-hearted woman with an amazing life ahead of her - believe in yourself and gather around you people who are on your side (even if it is a paid counselor!) - those who champion you, see your worth and love you for it. And spend as little time as possible with those who don't. They are not worth the effort.

    Much love to you,
    xxxxx

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  5. #373
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leisylou View Post
    Hi Brimm,

    I am really sorry to hear of your loss and worse still, to keep continuing to hear how your husband (and sister and in-laws) are not supporting you at all. My heart breaks for you - you are so young and have so much going for you, yet you are in a difficult situation and there are no easy answers.

    I am so, so happy that you are getting counseling with your husband - I believe it is absolutely imperative for you to do that to get a handle on where things are not good in your relationship. From what you have shared here, and several others are of the same opinion - that your husband could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and that is very difficult to treat. Just be aware that if you do go to counseling together, he is likely to turn everything around back on you, manipulate the counselor into seeing him as the blameless 'good guy' (they are VERY good at that) and will come out of it blaming you for everything. So if that happens, see the counselor on your own and be very firm about the way his behaviour made you feel, and how unacceptable it was, before trying to do joint counseling again.

    Right now, you have a lot to process - this has been something that has shone a very strong light on your marriage, and that is a good thing. Better to find out now, than down the track when you are older and possibly have a family. Even after my eyes were opened, it took me a further eighteen months to leave my NPD partner, so I understand that these things can't be rushed and you have to go through the whole process of evaluating the marriage, and for most women, we try everything possible before we go. I know with my relationship, I could walk away knowing I had done my very best, so I had absolutely no regrets whatsoever. We all get to that point in different ways and in different time frames. At least you are aware now, and can more forward with that knowledge and assess the next steps.

    With regards to your business- it is a dream and we should never give up on our dreams - but the timing may not be right now. Whatever you have done thus far will not go to waste. If you do shelve it for a couple of years, you will have all that knowledge and experience behind you when you are ready to launch again. It's not a failure, the dream may just need some time to develop in a different way at a different point in your life - so please don't be black and white about it - if it's not flowing, then it may not be right, for right now.

    Just before I finish my essay (lol) I do want to agree with @Daisy Duck - when I started bleeding with my last miscarriage, my husband rushed home from work to be with me, he comforted me, cooked for me, cried with me, held me and was so incredibly kind, gentle, loving and caring. Then he took a day off work to be with me for the D&C and afterwards we sat on the beach and talked and cried some more, then had a lovely lunch out and he took care of me for the days after when I was feeling raw and vulnerable. No matter whether your baby was wanted or not, you are still going through a very difficult experience and deserve, love, support and kindness. I have not seen one thing from you that shows any of these traits in your husband and that is tragic...

    You are a strong, good-hearted woman with an amazing life ahead of her - believe in yourself and gather around you people who are on your side (even if it is a paid counselor!) - those who champion you, see your worth and love you for it. And spend as little time as possible with those who don't. They are not worth the effort.

    Much love to you,
    xxxxx
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write this, it really made me think a lot about everything even more. This has really been such a wonderful place to turn too, the support everyone has shown me throughout the difficult few weeks has kept me going. I was on the verge of breaking and I am so glad I took that step of writing on this forum.

    I will be keeping an eye on this forum to see how everyone is going and hopefully can post better news one day

    He still hasn't comforted me over the miscarriage, he is just acting like everything is okay. He asked me how the appointment went today but that was the extent of his questions. No cuddles or anything though, he blames his 'cold' on that.

  6. #374
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    Brimm I feel so sad for you that you have no one in real life to comfort you right now. I'm sure you have, but have you told him how much you're hurting right now and that you really need some love and support right now. That you need him to show some sympathy?

    Is he truly open to counselling? I really see that as the only way your relationship may be able to get past this.

    You've been amazingly strong. I really admire you.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 11-06-2014 at 21:43.

  7. #375
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    I've realised that those who aren't your true friends aren't worth the effort. If they aren't willing to make time for you then they shouldn't be your friend. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them, it's stung me on several occasions.
    I hope one day you see that your husband should fall in the 'true friend' category.

    A good guy wouldn't make it about himself whilst you're in physical and emotional pain.

    Good luck brimm - I say this sincerely - I hope you are on the path to healing

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  9. #376
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    First of all Brimm, I am so sorry for your loss. X

    Right when you need this guy the most, he throws you under a bus.

    When you have to look after yourself at times like this, you might as well be alone.

    You're a nice girl but guess what even nice girls dont actually have to be nice to people that hurt them. I would have changed the locks by now citing emotional abuse and pain and suffering.

    Seriously, you picked a rotten egg this time hun.

    This guys behaviour is as low as you can go without physically beating you.

    He wont grow a heart any time soon, there is actually something wrong with him in the head. He may be a misogynist and actually believes you deserve this!

    Unfortunately, where emotional abuse is concerned, best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You think you feel like crap now, you aint seen nothing yet. This is nothing compared to 10 years, 20 years, 30 years of this. You should read up on men who abuse women when they are pregnant - they are a very specific group who do not change and their behaviour tends to deteriorate over time. You know what happens to women who stay with them? They become mentally unwell themselves, with anxiety, depression, PTSD, in some cases psychosis. Did you say you wanted children? Where a parent is abusive, children are also at risk of depression, anxiety, drug abuse, alcoholism, self harm or they may become abusers themselves, not just to their partners, but towards you, Brimm, because you're the target, and the one that puts up with it.

    In short, he sounds like a narcissistic sociopath - run!

    You deserve so much better.

    Believe there is a guy out there who will love you and protect you and care for you, it's the truth. This is not normal behaviour, it's pathological and creepy.

    University? What a wonderful idea. After putting up with this guys sh!t, you'll find it a walk in the park.

    Lots of hot intelligent guys at Uni! As a smart strong woman, you'll be a real catch. You can easily reinvent yourself and forget the whole horrible experience.

    Good luck Mon Cherie!
    Last edited by Butterfly39; 13-06-2014 at 08:24.

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  11. #377
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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterfly39 View Post
    First of all Brimm, I am so sorry for your loss. X

    Right when you need this guy the most, he throws you under a bus.

    When you have to look after yourself at times like this, you might as well be alone.

    You're a nice girl but guess what even nice girls dont actually have to be nice to people that hurt them. I would have changed the locks by now citing emotional abuse and pain and suffering.

    Seriously, you picked a rotten egg this time hun.

    This guys behaviour is as low as you can go without physically beating you.

    He wont grow a heart any time soon, there is actually something wrong with him in the head. He may be a misogynist and actually believes you deserve this!

    Unfortunately, where emotional abuse is concerned, best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You think you feel like crap now, you aint seen nothing yet. This is nothing compared to 10 years, 20 years, 30 years of this. You should read up on men who abuse women when they are pregnant - they are a very specific group who do not change and their behaviour tends to deteriorate over time. You know what happens to women who stay with them? They become mentally unwell themselves, with anxiety, depression, PTSD, in some cases psychosis. Did you say you wanted children? Where a parent is abusive, children are also at risk of depression, anxiety, drug abuse, alcoholism, self harm or they may become abusers themselves, not just to their partners, but towards you, Brimm, because you're the target, and the one that puts up with it.

    In short, he sounds like a narcissistic sociopath - run!

    You deserve so much better.

    Believe there is a guy out there who will love you and protect you and care for you, it's the truth. This is not normal behaviour, it's pathological and creepy.

    University? What a wonderful idea. After putting up with this guys sh!t, you'll find it a walk in the park.

    Lots of hot intelligent guys at Uni! As a smart strong woman, you'll be a real catch. You can easily reinvent yourself and forget the whole horrible experience.

    Good luck Mon Cherie!
    *Standing ovation for this post!* Spot on.

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  13. #378
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    Quote Originally Posted by KaraB View Post
    *Standing ovation for this post!* Spot on.
    Seconded!

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  15. #379
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    Yup, exactly as above. Sincerely

    Sent from my C6603 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  17. #380
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    Hugs Brimm. I've been reading along this whole thread and you are an amazing strong intelligent caring lady and I wish you all the best, what ever you choose to do. Xoxo

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