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  1. #21
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Oh my gosh. What a year. I can't make your decision for you, but I can ask you a question.

    I too had an unplanned pregnancy. I too was threatened, blackmailed, yelled at, you name it to have an abortion. I didn't have one.

    And here is my reason why: I knew that I could never, NEVER stay married to someone that had bullied me into such a huge decision. My husband had left my team, and so I was now my own team captain. Our marriage ended as soon as I became pregnant.

    So, just putting aside all the financial stuff (if you can) for a moment - would you still want to stay married to a man that has treated you this way, refused to engage in civil conversation about the matter, and bullied you to do something against your will?

    If not, then you can put aside concerns about your marriage, and make this decision just for yourself. It's ok. You can do it on your own.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    Some believe just getting rid of it will enable us to move on and rebuild our lives before we start to try properly
    While I support womens right to have a choice it DISGUSTS me that people would hurl out advice so flippantly on the BABY'S rights to live too!
    A baby is not an inconvenience, it's a blessing!
    You might want to remind these people of that!

    Life is life, there's no dress rehearsal!
    What comes along is the real deal!
    Just because the service is there it does not mean it's right to defer your pregnancy like one would a college course.
    I think an abortion should only be done in certain circumstances, NOT because your husband and those around you are all (and I mean this with all my heart) ar5eh0les!
    Not one of them have bothered to ask you how YOU feel about this wonderful little being coming to life in YOUR body!
    I'm probably preaching to the choir here though because I feel you have a good grip on reality due to the fact that you lost your mother, I know the affect losing a parent can have.
    I'd look on the pregnancy as a little gift from my mother if I were you.
    A new baby always brings joy and hope to a family.
    It's such a shame your DH can't see that.
    If you go ahead with HIS plans I can almost guarantee you will resent him forever for it and then you will have to live with your own grief too.
    Is he worth that?
    If my DH did any single one of the things you mentioned (controlling much?)
    I'd be reconsidering our relationship.
    That does not sound like an equal partnership to me.
    And what's his fascination with properties?
    What if the bubble burst here and he was left with crippling debts (it happens) how would he find a way to blame you for that?
    After all, he's trying to blame an innocent child for his world not working out exactly to plan.
    Very small minded of him I might add.

    Sorry, you got me on a rant this morning.
    I don't think I've ever been so mad on behalf of a poster.
    Who is he to make these appointments for you too?
    I'm glad that woman sent you home but I have heard of cases where they went ahead with the procedure.
    Do NOT set foot in another clinic unless YOU want to.

    I'd be really interested to know how your mother felt about him?
    Last edited by Phony; 28-05-2014 at 11:38.

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  5. #23
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    Goodness me.

    I am sorry OP but I think your husbands behaviour now is very telling and indicative of what his future behaviour will be.

    The counsellor was absolutely correct in sending you away at this time. I would have been horrified if they had let you go ahead at that point.

    Your husband needs to realise plans don't always go to plan. If he is refusing to budge, and refusing counselling then I would seriously consider what I want more. My marriage to him or my baby.

    All the best, sorry you are going through such a shocking time.

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  7. #24
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    I couldn't read and not reply... I am so sorry after the hard year you have had.
    It's so hard to offer advice when it's so different looking from the outside in, when you clearly love your husband a lot. From the outside he seems very very controlling. Does he want to listen to you and your thoughts at all?
    I am pro choice and have supported my best friend through an abortion but like you was never sure if it's something I could ever handle myself. Please don't ever feel pressured to make the decision even if your husband won't attend counselling maybe you could. Big hugs!

  8. #25
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    I feel so, so sad for you OP.

    Your husband's handling of this situation is so utterly insensitive. He doesn't seem to care about how you feel at all. If I was in your shoes, I'd wonder if I could continue to love a man who had such blatant disregard for my feelings.

    We are here to support you no matter what

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  10. #26
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    Do you think you could ever live with yourself if you gave in to his demands and had an abortion? Do you think you will forgive and forget his actions and forceful words and pressure to "get rid of it"?

    Do you think you could provide a loving and stable environment for a child as a single mother? Do you think you will be a great mum and carer?

    Personally that is what I would ask myself if I were you. I dont know you but reading your posts, I think you will live to strongly regret it if you terminated. I have not personally had a termination but do know some lovely ladies in here and in real life who now suffer extreme issues phychologically due to terminating because the father forced it. Things to consider would be ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks & pqnic disorders.

    I guess, in 1,2,5,10 years time, will you forgive him for taking this choice away from you? Will you ever be able to move past it if tou go through with it?

    I would ride it out and stand your ground. Its not "his way or the highway".... stand up and be a mother, start now if its what you want to do and if he wants to stand by you then great. If not, do you really want to stay married to a man who is completely disregarding your thoughts and feelings even though you are obviously distressed???

    Stand up for your self. Dont let him bully you into something if youre not on board. You will regret it.

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  12. #27
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    Gosh what a horrible predicament. My gosh ypu deserve a huge hug and some actual.support in this matter. I'm not sure why you say your husband is supportive when clearly he is anything but.
    You say your marriage will be over if you don't abort, but how do you think.your marriage will go after being forced to abort? It seems like you would have a very hard job of dealing with the abortion and I wonder if you would.be able to put it behind you and carry on, esp after the way your husband is treating you.
    I am pro choice, so definitely not trying to sway you in any direction, but I do worry about you making a choice quickly and under duress. I do think you need some counselling asap in this matter and you do have a few weeks before coming to a final decision either way.
    Please seek professional unbiased help.

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  14. #28
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    Darling brimm,

    You poor thing, I can't imagine what you are going through at this point in time, it must feel like life is completely out of control and you just don't know when the madness is going to end... Not sure if I can offer any advice at all, but I wanted to reach out...

    The first thing that comes to mind is that you are still in massive grief from the loss of your beloved Mum. That is a huge thing to go through and your emotions are going to be tender for a long time. My DH lost his Mum at age 28 and said it was a full year before he felt anything close to being OK - the first year after that type of tragedy is a write-off, so for so many other things to go wrong, it is normal to have a lot of overwhelming emotions. If you can find a lovely counselor to work with you on this, it can make the world of difference to have an objective champion to support you unconditionally as you heal.

    As you've experienced, life certainly doesn't go to plan, and trying to control life, just doesn't work. It's how we react to the circumstances of life that shows our true character, and working through issues to make the best of them is what gives our lives richness and texture. If all went to plan, where would be the satisfaction of saying 'wow, we did that'. Your husband sounds like he is scared to lose control of his plan - and that can sometimes come from a deep insecurity about life itself. Regardless of your decision, he really needs to work on his own issues to find out why he feels he has to control his life and live to a plan, and why he feels he has the right to control you. Nobody has that right and I think he has shown some very abusive and dangerous characteristics, which need to be nipped in the bud if you do end up staying together.

    As for creating financial freedom, that is an awesome goal to have, but it has no comparison to a life filled with the love of family. If you guys are into investment properties at this young age, you will find a way to keep developing in that area whether you have a family or not. You don't just lose the knowledge and desire you have now and give up. It just might take a little more time, or a little more resourcefullness to get there. That's the fun of it! I bought my first investment property when I was 21 and my 1st husband and I built up a nice portfolio of eight properties - and then we divorced and I lost everything. So there are no guarantees in life. The knowledge I had about property though, didn't go to waste, now that I'm with my awesome DH, we've bought five properties in one year and are powering ahead together - life is what you make it.

    I believe as Phony said above, that this little life is a miracle, and quite possibly a gift from your Mum. A life-affirming bundle of joy that has been sent to heal you and give you the most amazing love in return. Although I have no judgement, my personal belief is in abortion in more extreme circumstances, rather than 'it just doesn't fit the life plan'.

    Your husband is having a massive over-reaction and you need to gather your strength and do what is right for you and for the baby. Nothing else matters right now. Not what your Dad's done, not the money in the properties, not your husband's bullying tactics. This is about you and the rest of your life. You sound like a smart, strong, loving woman who's had the **** kicked out of her over the past year. You will overcome this. One day at a time, one small decision at a time, but please, please, please, don't let him make this decision for you.

    Much love, and PM if you need to,
    Last edited by Summer; 28-05-2014 at 11:43. Reason: typo

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  16. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chippa View Post
    Booking you in for a termination feels so forceful and wrong. YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE. No-one has the right to threaten you and force you to do something you aren't comfortable with.

    For Gods sake this is not Medieval England.

    You can actually do whatever you want at this point without having to explain yourself to anyone.

    At the very least cancel the appointment (you don't need to tell him) and take more time to decide. You have every right to take as much time as you need deciding what is the best course of action. Even if you don't cancel the appointment, you don't have to even show up. In fact, even if you go, you can walk out (I've done this before). This is your choice, and if you rush this decision you may feel very upset about it later.

    If you want the baby, keep it. You are an adult. You sound like a lovely intelligent young woman who would make a wonderful mother. I'm sure you guys are both just stressed out of your minds at the moment. Not a good time to be making rash decisions.

    Why don't you go and book an ultrasound and see how far along you are? Get a friend or family to take you if he isn't on board yet. You can always book a counsellor and get them to tell him for you. If he's still being a sh!t, tell his mother. Having lost your own mother, this is an extremely difficult time for you as a mother would be the first person you would obviously turn to in this situation. His behaviour is unacceptable, tell him to wake up to himself. His control of the situation is only an illusion, the choice is yours.

    I wish you all the very best x

    We all support you.
    Last edited by Butterfly39; 28-05-2014 at 11:46.

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  18. #30
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    If you decide not to let this pregnancy take it's course will you be able to look at future children and not miss this one?
    Your husband needs to grow up. I'm pro choice but for the right reasons - not because someone else wants to control your body/life
    Sorry to be so blunt but I left having a child until I was in my forties and only now realise what a joy and blessing they are ( even when they're being horrid! )

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